After the first heartbreak you'd think a girl would've learnt her lesson and instead of jumping into anything, -including bed- she would focus on herself and her well-being instead of always fantasizing about true love and romance as though it comes along like in the films; with no pain and no regret. Yet here I was, torn apart once again by another heartless boy with no backbone. When was i going to grow-up and realise that romance only happens in films and books. No Prince Charming on a white horse was going to come and sweep me off my feet because he doesn't exist.
I was indeed a naive hopeless romantic searching for the one as though he actually exists on this god forsaken planet. Someone once told me, "There is always someone for everyone. You just have to wait for them." And maybe I'll have to wait a lifetime before I find that special person I'm meant to meet and live my life with. I felt my head was in the clouds due to this fantasy of true love and romance because of films like, 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' and 'Along Came Polly.' I wanted to find that special someone, to be swept off my feet and treated with kindness like in these types of films. But that doesn't happen because most are only after one thing and that isn't true love.
As my heart grew ever so cold I started to believe that I was damned and too damaged for love, and that perhaps it was just a myth like fairies and vampires. At 17 I thought I'd found true love, it seemed like it. I met him by coincidence. I decided to go see some friends and there he was, sitting on the floor. I could see his imaginary wall around him, like a protective barrier but i didn't care. The moment i laid eyes on him I thought to myself, "I want to get to know him. I want to know everything and be a part of his life."
I never used to believe in love at first sight but I guess I fell instantly. His name was Jake. He was blonde with blue eyes, a few months older than me but mature and I believed him to be somewhat kind-hearted. He was also a musician and had an amazing voice.
When i entered that room and we made eye contact I knew he was special.
After i sat down and introduced myself to everyone my friend Sian made it clear she was having a caffeine crash and wanted a drink. As she couldn't afford it I decided to buy her and everyone else a drink, even though I'd just lost my job. After buying the drinks -which cost £13- we went for a walk down to another part of the town where my favourite shop happened to be. We all looked at the display, myself looking at what I'd buy if only i could. I had no idea Jake had put his drink on the pole behind me and when I turned to talk to him my clumsy hand knocked it to the ground, wasting his drink. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment as I pulled my hat over my face to hide. I felt ashamed and offered to buy another but he said, "Don't worry about it. It was free any-ways."
After that i couldn't' get the courage to talk to him. I felt shy and embarrassed after that incident. His face was the reason the drink got spilt, i was staring at him in awe. They say things happen for a reason and apparently my clumsiness and kindness interested him. Eventually our group moved onto the beach where Sian began to pester and beg for me to sing after I'd shown her one of my recordings off of my phone. When I finally bulked up the courage and sang- as quietly as I could -everyone fell silent and listened intently. I got compliments left, right and center and was even told that my voice was so powerful it silences people. I started to blush. I hated singing in front of people in-case I went out of key and embarrassed myself. Apparently my singing voice got his full attention and soon we began to talk. I wanted to get to know him and talk to him all night as my heart raced and my stomach fluttered.
I finally began to talk to him, it wasn't much but a start. He told me about himself a little, that he was into that death-metal, grunge type of music- which wasn't too my taste. When we began to talk I realised that he must of been hurt pretty bad, his wall was so high and thick that even a drill wouldn't knock it down but to me that didn't matter as I was the same. My heart was locked away and hidden from the world. I was "too kind for my own good" according to all my friends and family and I didn't fancy getting hurt again. Heartbreak hurt the first time, I never wanted to experience that again.
After everyone had left I admitted to Sian that I fancied him, I'd instantly fallen but I didn't know what to do. I thought he'd never like a girl like me, I might be kind and caring but I was damaged, very damaged. We'd just met but I still wanted to know him and get to know him. She said, “If you want I can ask him what he thinks of you?” I shook my head and said “No, I've only just met him. It’s fine, I don't expect anything to happen.”
I couldn’t of been more wrong. Everything happened so fast it was like a blur, like my life was on time-lapse for a few months. One second it began and the next it ended.
After meeting for the first time i added him on facebook and the next day we began to talk. He first off rejected me saying, “You’re lovely but i don’t want a relationship.” This sounded a little like Summer from 500 Days of summer, “ I like you Tom but I just don’t want a relationship.” I should've backed off after that but I didn’t. Soon we opened up to each other about our abusive and somewhat traumatic pasts. Both also showered in darkness and pain. We just felt comfortable talking to each other, I felt comfortable opening up to him. I hadn’t done that in almost a year -open up to someone. And I felt I could trust him, which would of been a first.
We then began to text one another and soon one kiss turned to 8. I told him about my anxiety and how I can have random panic attacks that ended with me fainting at any moment. He told me, “If you fall, I’ll catch you.” I told him that i was too heavy for him to catch and so when he told me I was wrong, I dared him to pick me up when we meet in person later that day. He accepted my challenge.
When it came around to him doing his challenge his friend tried to step in and take it instead. This made him a little jealous. Then finally he picked me up, I then slid down his body and we hugged, our faces so close. I’d never felt so safe and comfortable in someone else's arms.
Later when I had to go get my bus we were able to have some time alone and looked at the films at the cinema. He said, “I want to take you to see a horror.” and I replied, “ If you did that then my head would be buried in your chest the whole time.” “I wouldn’t mind that.” he said cheekily. I felt my cheeks turn red as we walked to the bus stop in silence. I really really liked him, I felt comfortable and safe for the first time. I also felt I could trust him, which didn’t happen naturally to me. This was a first for everything. I could feel myself falling harder and harder as my heart started to beat faster and my stomach became tangled.
Finally my friends came over to come get the bus as well and so he left. They all began to say, “ He obviously likes you.” I shook my head and said, “That’s impossible.” Yet I was wrong…
The next day he texted me and admitted he fancied me. I was surprised but happy. He felt the same as I did. Later on in the day we met up, at first we had some time alone to talk. We went over to the beach and sat down on a bench.. He asked for the cuddle I’d promised I’d give him. We snuggled up together before we were interrupted by a phone call. When we went back into the town to go meet my friend we stood so close, but I didn’t want to hold his hand in-case he pulled away.
After chilling out with my friends and having a laugh we sat down as they got themselves some drinks. He told me how he had anaemia because of a lack of iron and that he’s always cold. He put his hand out to prove it and when I placed my hand down he wrapped his fingers around it and didn’t let go. I felt myself blush and looked away in embarrassment. My heart was racing and beating hard in my chest. My head became clouded, I didn’t know what to say. When my friends came out, they did tease a little but they thought it was cute.
We moved onto another section of town, he had a few cigarettes and when we were alone for a second i told him i wanted to kiss but not in front of everyone. Then when no one was looking it happened. Sparks flew, I’d never felt that before. It was like magic and i wanted him to repeat it. When we kissed again, he wrapped his hand around me and pulled me close, that's when everyone noticed and teased immensely.
Then we decided to make our move, neither of us wanted to label it as a “relationship.” but instead to date each other. Which meant spending time together, doing activities, going on dates and testing the waters. That way maybe we couldn’t get hurt so easily and we could protect our own hearts.
But two days later he made a major mistake, just before I got the bus he whispered, “I love you.” into my ear. I felt the blood leave my face and myself feel faint. I’d experienced this once before, exactly the same way, exactly the same timing but this time instead of receiving pleasure… I received fear. Fear about the unknown. I didn’t want to open my heart and have it crushed again. I didn’t want to give it to another boy who wouldn’t appreciate it and end up scarring it. I did feel the same, I had fallen in love with him but I didn’t want to say it. Not this soon. It was too early, we’d taken it a step too far too soon. I had fallen too far too soon.
He saw my reaction and asked if he had scared me. I admitted that this scene had happened before and it didn’t end well. I didn’t want to feel worthless or vulnerable again. He understood my fears and took them in. After a few tears and feeling sickened i told him that i felt the same. I asked if he would mend my broken heart. He replied, “ Hopefully i can fix it.” I said, “ Hopefully you can fix the pieces to my heart. It’s still fragile.” He told me he’d be careful.
I didn’t know that one day those words would be nothing but words. They soon would have no meaning.
Our first date was so magically, we went to the cinema- he paid like any gentleman would- and I paid for dinner. It was so magical and wonderful, though we did waste half an hour searching for a restaurant to eat in. I couldn’t of been more in love, I felt like my heart was just going to burst. It was just all so magical and mystical. I wanted this to last forever.
I was so happy and filled with joy. My heart was finally feeling affection. He would randomly grab me and cuddle me. He’d kiss my cheek, forehead, nose and of course lips. He told me he wanted to spoil me because I deserved it. I had never been so filled with joy. I had never trusted anyone so much. But that didn’t last.
I’d found out that he was still talking to one of his ex’s called Sally and she still fancied him and wanted him back. I felt like I was in competition and that frightened me. I had once been left for someone else and I didn’t feel that I was worth anything. I could feel myself losing my head because of the paranoid thoughts flowing through my mind, “ She seems like the type who’d do anything to get him back? She cares that much, I can’t compete.”
I already knew that he didn’t want her back as she'd cheated on him but my mind was so scared and my heart was so fragile that I could barely think straight. I didn’t know how to feel, I wanted to trust him… No. I did trust him. I just didn’t trust her.
Soon those fears died as he blocked her on facebook and began to just ignore her presence, but deep down I knew that had affected me more than I wanted. It made me wonder how he really felt about me and if he even actually wanted to be with me. I knew he’d once fell in love with my friend Sian and I started to feel like maybe I was just a replacement. I didn’t want to be, but it started to look that way.
Our first argument happened because he didn’t like being ignored and by accident I had ignored him for about 12 hours. He got so drunk that he told me “Remember I don’t give second chances so you’d better explain yourself.” I felt that he’d just threatened to throw me away without a second thought. I started to wonder, did he really love me? or was it all just meaningless words?
A few weeks later I’d seen he’d re-added and began talking to Sally again. I didn’t like that, not one bit. I wanted to trust him but that wasn’t easy. I’d been cheated on twice and left for my best friend. How am I supposed to trust? I felt like I was losing him to an unknown battle.
We slowly began to fall apart piece by piece. Our second argument occurred when he had bailed on me last minute two days in a row. That hurt a lot and I felt like he didn’t want to commit to me. Later after he stopped talking to me his friend went onto his phone and messaged me, he’d told me that, “Jake didn’t need this shit right now because he’d been injured.” I felt like i was being told that I wasn’t wanted or needed. That made me fearful and was painful.
Was it all really just meaningless words? Did he actually care for me? or was he using me?
My mind was so filled with fear that I began to fall apart, I started to stay away from him and I just wanted to perhaps make it official. We had been dating for a month and we obviously clicked but I felt vulnerable like this… without consistency. I felt like Tom from 500 days of Summer, “We don’t need to put a label on it but I need some consistency.”
I felt insecure, I felt vulnerable. I wanted to make it official so maybe these fears would just disappear.
We arranged to make it official, but when that day drew near he told me he had to reschedule as he had to go see family. I thought that was fair enough but then he began to change…
I felt like he had lost interest. He stopped sending “ Good morning” and “Good night.” He told me he woke up too late or he was too tired but even when I didn’t bother to text him, it felt like if I didn’t actually contact him that he wouldn’t even bother. I felt like he had begun to lose interest in me and that made me feel vulnerable.
I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off as though it was nothing. I wanted to know how he really felt but he wouldn’t say. He wouldn’t show me how me felt. I felt like I was losing him. After a month of happiness everything was starting to crumble before my eyes. Were we really in love? or were we just fooling ourselves?
I wasn’t completely happy but with any relationship I’d had I never was. I wanted to be with him because I was in love with him. There was something about him that attracted me to him and I wanted to spend time with him. I felt like after a month of no walls his walls began to reappear. They began to separate us and he began to hide away from me. I knew that I was probably just being paranoid but something was off, really off.
He’d reassured me about everything, even when I told him I felt like I was a burden on everyone. He said, “ For the past five years I’ve seen the burden I’ve been on my family and friends. You are not a burden, the only burden I see is the weight you carry with the past. The weight I carry is too much at the moment and I keep sinking beneath the surface but you are the one pulling me up.” I felt safe again for a moment but I knew my paranoid thoughts would still eat at the back of my mind.
Then it happened. After a few weeks of not seeing much of each other we hung out. I sat down next to him and noticed he’d changed his pass-code for his phone. I asked him and he told me it was still “Wulf.” I knew it wasn’t. Finally I told him I knew it was, “Wulfie.” who happened to be Sian’s nickname. I started to realise maybe I was just a replacement of her because they couldn’t be together.
I tried not to let everything get to me but I eventually caved in. I told him i knew that his passcode was wulfie and i felt that maybe he was still in love with her and not me. He didn’t say anything… he just shrugged his shoulders. In tears i told him how frightened i was, he’d shown me his messages on facebook and I noticed that he’d said “Good morning faggot.” to Sally. He told me he was being mean but that type of message could also be playful. I felt I was losing myself and I felt my fears shrouded my mind and consume me. He had nothing to say to me. He just listened and shrugged his shoulders. I felt like he didn’t even care.
I was losing him… But not because of other people… Because of myself.
The next day we didn’t talk and I was worried.Then it happened. A full blown argument. He told me I was paranoid and blamed me for not talking to his friends saying that if he did I’d become paranoid and start accusing him of things. He was quite right I was paranoid but I never told him not to talk to anyone. The only person I didn’t want him talk to was Sally but every time I tried to get that through to him he shrugged it off and wouldn’t listen. I felt that it began to be pointless. What was the point of being with someone who won’t even listen to me?
Our argument ended awkwardly as i felt hurt and I had nothing more to say to him. The next day I asked if we were okay? or done and he responded with, “I need space right now.” I knew then that it was already over. He just couldn’t tell me truthfully that he didn’t want to be with me. I cried and cried. I felt numb and hurt. I knew my heart was going to be crushed again and yet I let it happen. I felt so stupid and naive. Love doesn’t exist. Men are only out for one thing and that isn’t true love. I felt used and hurt.
I knew that it was over though I didn’t want it to be.
Finally he did it. He told me that things were already broken and that they couldn’t be fixed due to our argument and that he’d hope I could understand. I couldn’t understand it. He gave up after one argument, he gave up so much happiness because of one argument because he didn’t bother to listen to me when I was opening up and telling him my fears.
I could feel my heart go cold and my head go numb. I’d been used by another boy and had had my heart broken once again because he had no backbone. I didn’t sleep that night. My stomach was all in knots I could barely eat. I felt I’d lost my everything. I thought it was true love but I was wrong once again, blinded by my illusion of love. I knew even if I waited, he’d never take me back. It was over, for good and I wanted to accept that. I needed to accept that. After a few days of agony, tears and starvation I finally realised something… We had moved too fast too soon and that made it fall apart.
After deep thoughts I realised he’d basically told me, “It’s not you. It’s me. Sorry.” And so I decided to move on and say goodbye…. Forever.
Things happen for a reason... You have to go through the slimy frogs before you meet your Prince.