Blood is supposedly thicker than water!

A family split into two, due to an event which caused people to take sides. Event though the event should have only ended with one side. Being broken by those who have sided with the guilty party, Anna is left broken and scared.

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1. Scared

Dear Diary,

You’re the only one that seems to listen I can open up to you without judging me just like they seem to do outside of these pages.

I guess it’s all still not properly sunk in even though it’s still one giant weight, weighing me down. I know I'm going to struggle even more once it has. I have so many questions to get answered. I still don't understand why it’s me it happened to. The feelings he has made me feel it’s unforgettable. I still one month one since it happened, find myself watching my back where ever I go to make sure he isn't there even though he is in jail, and I know it wouldn't happen in public, but behind closed doors. Where he would try and manipulate me again.

The constant flashbacks and reminders on body of what he did make me feel small, embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Even though everyone says I'm the brave one and I should be proud because I have stopped him from hurting someone else. I DON'T! I feel weak and alone. I may have the strongest family when it comes to getting through hard times, but I still feel alone as no-one understands it from my feelings as it hasn't happened to them, this is why I struggle to open up! All my life has been one big circle. Constantly nearly reaching the top of the tallest mountain to fall back down and relapse in my recovery.

I still can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed and filling up with anger. I still since the day feel dirty and ashamed, whilst finding myself washing 3 times whilst in shower / bath to wash or scrub it away but it doesn't work or help to get rid of the feelings.

I feel I have lost the one most special person in my life, my boyfriend. It kills me to think he doesn't want to be with me because of this, it’s hard because were so close, and now we aren't. He changes the subject every time when I ask if he wants to meet up. He makes it looks like he has an excuse every-time I try to plan something. I tell him the days I can't meet but he still seems to make plans for those days. I just don't know what I would do or if I would cope without him. He is my rock. I struggle without him by my side and I see him once 5 weeks and still not going to see him for another 2. It's like he doesn't care and he would not be bothered if I was to disappear. I still can't tell of it’s his parents or him. We are normally very honest with each other, but I know he isn't being honest with me now.

I'm extremely worried for what the verdict will be on the 11th of September because I hope that the person does the right thing if not he is doing this for me to suffer for opening my mouth and speaking out and stopping him for doing it again to me or someone else. I still can't get it into my head it was me it happened too. It’s as if I want it to be someone else. It’s like I'm not accepting it happened to me. I just don't feel like me!!

- A

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