I Like Grapes

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory like you've never heard it before.
Or if that wasn't good enough for you:
I like grapes: the story of a young boy's struggle with destitution, sexual awakening and the destruction of war


1. I Like Grapes

Disclaimer: We do not own Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, also this was written by 3 people who were super bored, enjoy.



Mother fucker. I spent all my goddamn stolen money on this chocolate and I didn’t get a golden ticket. I’m poor dammit! I’m supposed to get handouts! Grandpa Joe worked for the assmunch. I guess this means I’ll have to sneak into the factory.

“Mom! Mom! I bought some chocolate today!”


“I didn’t get a fucking ticket.”

“Charlie! You cannot speak like that!”

“Fuck off.”

“You’re grounded!”

“I’m going to that factory.”

“Carrrlieeee.” Grandma Georgina trying to tell me how to live my life probably. “I like grapes.”

“Me too Grandma Georgina, me too. Too bad we only ever eat fucking cabbage. I’M ALLERGIC TO CABBAGE MOM.”

“No you’re not Charlie, you just don’t like it, and you will not be sneaking into that factory. Go to your room. No cabbage for you.”

Does she think that’s a punishment? I’m happy to not eat that shit. I don’t care if I’m only ten, I’m an adult. I can make it into the factory. I will win the special prize at the end and fuck up the competition.


I got a quick bath and gathered the four items I owned, my shirt, pants, underwear, and shoes. I’m too poor to even own socks. Like maybe if Mom and Dad got fucking jobs and we killed off the grandparents. Why do they even live with us? Also how are they still alive? Nevermind them, I crawled out of the hole in my ceiling and fell in the cabbage patch. Hope they didn’t want to eat those. I could see the factory in the distance, it would probably be a six hour walk if I had to guess. Looks like I can get there before everyone else.


Once I arrived to the factory I began to climb the fence. I spotted a tiny little man running towards me. Was he supposed to be intimidating? I’m pretty sure he went up to my knees.

“Fuck off little man.” I shouted at the dumbass thing. Once over the fence I found my way to a vent and started maneuvering through the vents.


When I finally heard voices, well honestly they sounded more like grunts, it turned me on so hard. I climbed down into the room and I was amazed at what I saw before me.

Willy Wonka was plastered on top of Mrs. Gloop.

“Vonka! Fuck me harder, oh yeah!” I reached into my pants and grabbed my raging erection. I’d never felt this before. Touching my hard cock just felt so good. I loved watching this scene unfold before me.

“Mr. Bucket, enjoying what you see?” Mr. Wonka said as he thrusted deeper into Mrs. Gloop.

“Yes. Mr. Wonka.” I said breathlessly. Touching my dick took a lot out of me.


“Cum with her Charlie, see how good it feels.”

Suddenly this gross warm white liquid came out of my penis, all over my hands.

“Mr. Wonka? What is this?”

“That’s your cum Charlie. Let Mrs. Gloop taste it.” He motioned for me to come over to him. As I did she licked my hand all over.

“Taste very good, Charlie.”

“Thank you for sneaking in here Charlie.” He said as he slowly pulled out of Mrs. Gloop. “You’re probably wondering how I know your name, aren’t you?”


“Well you smart fuck, I knew you were going to sneak in here. You think I wanted to have sex with this thing, no. I wanted to see if you could cum that was my test for you Charlie. Everyone else failed their tests. You win Charlie, you win.”

“What even….”


15 years Later



“I’m glad we’re on the same page Grandma Georgina” Charlie said smiling.

“I know it’s been hard on you since everyone died in the war of the Oompa Loompas” she said smiling her toothy smile.

Charlie resumed making the cabbage and cabbage and cabbage because besides cabbage what else is there to eat? NOTHING. He gave his grandma the delicious cabbage stew and then went upstairs into his lowly attic. He had to plan. The Oompa Loompa war still raged on. In fact bombs and grenades were going off in the distance. Charlie strapped on his grenade gun and went outside.




“Charlie, you won. That means you get my factory. Do you accept?” Willy asked grinning, his teeth yellow with not cleaning them in 20 years.

“As long as I can bring my family.”


“Lo siento but i cannot accept.”

“Wow u fuckboi.”

“Well if that’s how it is.”

And that’s how the war started. He killed off all my family one by one. He started with Grandpa Joe. He pulled a Britain. Poisoned the entire cabbage patch. Grandpa Joe was the only one who ever ate that god forsaken cabbage. Next was the other old man whatever-his-name is. He had his head chopped off by one of those Oompa Loompa machines. Next was Mom and Pop. They both fell through the incinerator. A single tear rolled down Charlie’s dirty cheek. “Mom, Dad, Grandparents. I WILL avenge you.”  


*flashback over*


He walked outside his rickety old shack. It’s been 15 years since that day. And 15 years since the war started. Another tear rolled down his cheek. Then, he began sobbing. He sobbed on the ground for several minutes until a tap on his shoulder stopped him. “Charlie?” A British voice said.


“Charlie? You’re in this war too?”

“Yeah. Willy killed my entire family.”

“I’m sorry…” Veruca looked down.

“WATCH OUT!” Charlie said pushing Veruca out of the way. A bullet went into his arm and he blacked out.


It was a dark and stormy night 30 years after the “factory incident,” Willy Wonka trudged through the snow towards infinite nothingness. His hope was diminished, his body drained of all energy, but he knew he must continue. The future of his factory would be determined by this one night, he could not mess up. He arrived at a old, broken house completely painted black. He knocked three times on the door and a little flap was pulled open, “what’s the password?” a low voice spoke through the gap. “You know me you little fucker and you know what I’m here for so open this goddamn door before I break it down myself.” Wonka heard the door unlock and watched as it slowly creaked open. Wonka strutted in and immediately punched the guy in the face, hard. “You’re such an asshole Charlie.” “You killed both my grandpas you turd plus you’ve only got one tooth left so it sucks to suck,” Charlie scoffed. Wonka shoved him to the ground and kissed him hard, “You know you love me you bitch.” “Fuck off,” Charlie pushed him away, stood up and walked to the stairs, “She’s in the basement,” Charlie said before walking up the stairs and disappearing around the corner. Wonka hurried down into the basement just in time to see Grandma Georgina finish her pole dancing routine. The Oompa Loompas sitting at the bar cheered and threw tens and twenties. Georgina walks down the steps and seductively sits on the table that Wonka has seated himself at.

“Why hello there Wonka, I haven’t seen you in some time.”

“Georgina, you know I’m here for one reason and one reason only. I know you stole that fucking golden ticket to give to Charlie 30 years ago, but you never give the little shit the ticket, so why did you do it?”

“I needed a way to get you to me Wonka, because you know me, I like grapes.”

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