Not For Me

Kalei has just moved from Washington to Australia to get away from her problems. She thinks she'll never make any friends, and no one will like her. But on her first day of school, someone's major crushing. But what will happen when she's got her eye on his best friend?

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60. Cutter's Lullaby

Kalei's POV

"Skylar, I'm sorry!" I screamed through the phone. I yelled it so fast I wasn't sure she heard me.

"K? Is that you?" Skylar sounded utterly confused.

"Skylar, I'm really sorry."

"About what? What did you do?" 

"I ran away without telling you, then I ran to Michael, who wasn't my best friend, you were... I shouldn't have kept it a secret from you," I admitted.

"Haha," she giggled, "Oh, Kalei. I understood why you did it! It's fine, really, haha."

"No it's not fine, you think I don't trust you."

"Because I know you don't trust me. I'm fine with it, really. We haven't known each other very long, and I know you have trust issues. Bella told me."

"But you ran away when Bella was-"

"I didn't run away from you, I was running away from Bella and her crap." I thought I sensed an eye roll through the phone and stifled a giggle. "Also, I wanted to see if Luke was okay after what he just learned."

"Right," I say, not completely convinced. I ran my hand through my hair in stress.

"It's fine, K. Moving on... Is there something you wanna tell me?" Her voice became suddenly excited.

"What?" Now it was my turn to be confused.

"About a certain someone from your past visiting you...?"

"Um..."

"Jaden, silly! Luke told me she came from America to see you! Isn't that sweet?" Her excitement was slowly killing me. I didn't want Jaden to know I was kinda holding on to my past, so I didn't say anything bad.

"Yeah, she's here, actually. She's gonna be staying for a short while. I don't know how long though."

"Could we meet her? All of us?"

"Well..." I admitted, "all the guys have already seen her. The only ones who haven't met her are you, Hailey, Olivia, and- ugh- Bella. I think she's gonna come to school with me tomorrow, though."

"Is that allowed?" I heard her jump onto her bed as she spoke.

"Yeah, my mum already talked to the principal."

"Sweet! Can't wait to meet her! Okay, it's kinda late. I'm gonna go now. Bye!!" Without waiting for me to answer, she hung up. I put my phone on the table and threw myself onto my bed next to Jaden. I turned my head to look at her and she smiled back at me. She sighed and closed her eyes, the smile still on her lips.

After about 15 minutes of watching Big Bang Theory on my tv, I realized it was 12:47 and Jaden was asleep. I was surprised my mum wasn't yelling at me for not telling her we were back. Reluctantly, I got up and turned off the lights, then went back to my bed, huddling underneath my covers.

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Kalei's POV

I couldn't sleep. It was now 2:39 in the morning and I haven't closed my eyes yet. No one knows anything about me. Heck, I don't know anything about me. I have so many voices in my head. I can only make out what a few are saying. They're all whispers playing and replaying in my head.

Your old best friend was a bully.

Your best friend from your old life has come back and is out to get you.

No one understands you.

No one knows how unhappy you are.

Don't bother asking for help, no one would care.

You're stupid. You're crazy. You're fat. You're ugly. You're demented.

Why would Michael fall for someone like you?

You don't deserve him.

You're not enough for him.

You're not enough for anyone.

You're a nobody.

You should cut.

You should go die.

You don't deserve a life.

You don't deserve to live.

You deserve to die.

For the first time all night, I closed my eyes and winced at the words repeating in my head. I felt a salty tear drip out of my eye, and I closed it again. My tears felt like acid. Why am I feeling this way? My life is great. I'm dating my crush, my best friend forgave me, my old best friend has turned over a new leaf, I've nothing to be upset about. So why am I hearing all these negative voices? These acid tears are burning my eyes, and I can't fall asleep. I creep out of bed, careful not to wake Jaden. Not that it would matter, she's a really heavy sleeper. 

I walked out of my bedroom and went downstairs to the kitchen. I don't feel myself right now, as if I'm being controlled. I turn to the windowsill in front of the sink and see a glimmer. The glimmer of the moonlight reflecting off the razor blade shining into my eyes. As if it were a wild animal and might scare it away if I moved too fast, I gently tiptoed over to the windowsill and stopped in front of the blade. I picked it up between my thumb and first finger and carried it into my bathroom after locking the door. I turned the light on and the brightness blinded me at first. When I adjusted to the light, I looked at myself in the mirror. 

Do it. Now.

Wanting to lose these demons in my head, I sliced as fast as I could. It felt so good, so right. It felt like I was real. I wasn't numb anymore. The crimson scarlet blood trickled down my wrist and I held it over the sink to watch it drip into the drain. 

See how good that feels?

Do it again. Deeper.

It'll feel way better.

I decided not to go as fast this time. Placing the razor on my wrist, I slowly traced it across, watching blood peek out of my broken skin.

You only went slower, not deeper. Go deeper.

I circled to a new starting point for my razor blade. I pressed down hard and struck my wrist again. More bright blood traced a design around my arm. This felt so right. Without the voices this time, I slashed one more time. The blood kept drip, drip, dripping into the sink.

Suddenly, I heard the doorknob attempt to twist. Crap, I thought. Grabbing a towel from under the sink, I dabbed the blood off my wrist and shut off the lights. I held the sharp razor in my left hand as I felt for the doorknob and unlocked it. I hid behind the door, knowing I wouldn't be found due to my dark pajamas. A dark figure opened the door in front of my face and flicked on the lights. 

"Lei? Are you in here?" Jaden whispered. I was tempted to whisper back "no I'm not" and see if she'd fall for it, but I kept my mouth shut. "Lei!" After whisper-shouting my name three more times, she turned off the lights but left the door open, walking back to my room. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Walking out of the bathroom, I slowly crept into my little sister's room as I heard Jaden come back into the bathroom and lock the door. After I knew I was in the clear, I walked back into my room and crawled back into bed, the razor still tight in my hand. I now found it easier to fall asleep. I began to think, then began to whisper...

Go to sleep and close your eyes 

And dream of broken butterflies

Who tore their wings against a thorn

You know the pain that they have borne

Silver metal, shine so bright

Scarlet blood that feels so right

Dream of that blood trickling down

And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight's shining off your tears

As you bleed out your own worst fears

So tonight when you start to cry

Whisper the Cutter's Lullaby:

"Hushabye baby you're almost dead. You don't have a pulse and your pillow is  red. Your family hates you, your friends let you bleed. Sleep tight with a knife cos it's all you need. Rockabye, baby, broken and scarred. You didn't know life would be this hard. Time to end the pain that you hid so well. And down you go, baby, straight back to hell..."

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