How Each Star Wars Film Could Have Ended

Funny alternate endings I made up for each Star Wars movie, in order. I'm not saying I wish it ended this way, but in some cases I can see why you might.

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5. The Empire Strikes Back

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader clashed, and the duel carried them onto a bridge. Here, Luke damaged Vader's armor, and Vader severed his hand. Both his hand and lightsaber fell into a deep shaft. Luke screamed in pain, then crawled onto a gantry.

"There is no escape," Vader said, angling his blade toward Luke. "Don't make me destroy you."

"I'll never join you!" Luke screamed.

"What if I told you there was a 15% discount if you joined the dark side by July 1?"

Luke's eyes widened. "Really?"

"No," Vader shook his head. "If only you knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough," Luke growled with anguish. "He told me you killed him!"

"No, Luke," said Vader firmly. "I am your father."

"No!" Luke screamed in pure terror.

"And Nicki Manaj is your sister," Vader continued.

"No!" Luke screamed.

"And the Emperor is your grandmother," Vader finished.

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Luke wailed.

"As I was saying, join me," said Vader, "and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."

"Screw you," Luke replied. "Where were you the last 22 years of my life? You weren't there during my birthday or my piano recital or even my injury on Hoth. Father. You're not my father! That's impossible."

"Search your feelings, Luke," said Vader. "You will know it to be true."

Luke thought long and hard about it. "Well, OK. I hate to break it to you, but you have about 22 years of child welfare to catch up on."

"Nooooo!!!" Vader screamed through his mask.

"Besides, I have a great life with my friends. Why, I even had my first kiss yesterday with Leia."

Vader looked horrified. "Luke, you kissed your sister!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Luke screamed. That's it. I'm going off road. Luke jumped off the gantry and plummeted down a hole. He landed in the slide and slid into another hole, where he clung to a pole. "Ben..." he whispered. "Ben, please!"

20 seconds later, Obi-Wan's Force ghost hovered to his side. He helped Luke off and brought him to Dagobah.

Once there, he landed and dropped Luke near Yoda's hut. "Now be a good boy, and stay here," said Ben.

Yoda came slumping out with his cane. "But thought I did, interfere you would not."

Luke looked up at Ben. "That's what I thought, too."

"That was before he cut off your hand and revealed he was your father," said Ben. "And speaking of hands..." He used his new powers to conjure a mechnohand for Luke. "Well, I must be off."

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