Above Us Only Sky

Imagine there's no heaven...

Tom has lots of time on his hands when he falls ill, he looks back at his short life, contemplating and try to fathom out what went wrong in his world when everything comes crashing down.

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11. Chapter Eleven

I seem to have this ability to turn people away from me, as though there’s a big roadsigns that says diversion leading people away from my sphere. I get abandoned a lot, friendships develop then they decide they are to end. It’s frustrating at times, but until I had all this time on my hands I never gave it much thought. Now laid here recovering I’m thinking where everyone went.

Over the years I’ve not had many friends. I guess you’d call me socially handicapped. I find it amazingly difficult to make new acquaintances and even harder to turn them into friends. At some stage or other the mist comes down and I lose them. At one time it didn’t worry me as I always had M. When you have such a good friend then why do you need to have loads?

M and I were friends since nursery. Living just around the corner, we stuck together. It never mattered to me that she was a girl even when everyone though it was strange. Over the years we forged a very tight friendship. It was a little awkward when puberty raised it head. When we were both 13 we became boyfriend and girlfriend, a move that never surprised anyone. It was crazy and something had to give. 

The night after our Prom she stopped talking to me, I mean just cut me off. It was almost a year later when I found out why it had happened, my fathers death bringing us briefly back together. We stayed friends until a few months ago. She never saw what I saw in my flower child. Told me constantly it wouldn’t work, but I never believed her, still don’t. It threatened our friendship to the point that I hated her being with me. She tried to put doubts in my head, tried to offer herself as an alternative. Eventually she went too far one weekend and I exploded. For most people finding a naked girl in their bed would be good news, but I didn’t want M, I wanted my flower and no substitute. 

My girlfriends tend to get tired with me as well, maybe they see the real me, see that I’m not much fun to be with. Laid here I don’t blame them, after all I’m not the perfect catch, don’t have a lot of confidence. I thought it would be different with my flower child, thought she was the one but it was another who saw through the facade and decided that life would be better without me. She’s right, what sort of proposition am I , just a disappointment, a list of broken promises and expectations. I tell people that I’ll win her back, when I’m better she’ll want me again. In my heart I know though that I’m being deluded again, just as I was when I thought that that beautiful girl was interested in me.

I have got to the point, I think when I believe that everyone deserts me in the end. Maybe it’s my confidence, maybe I turn them away with my personality. It stars me apart that people go silent on me, fail to carry on talking or seeing me. Ever been a leper? Well, I’m of the social variety, forever avoided in case they are seen with me, seen talking to me. I have little to offer, just myself and I guess that’s not enough these days. Sometimes I wonder who will care when I’m gone, who really will mourn my passing. I guess there won’t be many who even notice I’ve gone.

I have a few internet friends as well, some stay for a while, others flutter across my terrestrial realm occasionally staying but then moving away as if they weren’t there. I treasure the ones I have left, the ones that stomach me. I find it hard to talk, even online, with people I don’t know. People think I’m strong but I’m not. When people ignore me I tend to cut off and disappear. I’m so scared of rejection. Over the past year I’ve lost so many internet friends who I really valued. Laying here I cry when I think of the good times. My future is unsure, my past already written and unchanged. Life uncertain.

 

 

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