Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


4. Zoinks! We're Back in Time!

Sunset couldn't even spot Blackadder and Baldrick climbing over the metal gate of Flashheart Hall. Well, maybe Baldrick, who was trapped on the gate and hanging upside down.
   "Mr. B!" cried Baldrick.
   Blackadder turned around. "Baldrick, what are you doing? Come on!"
   "I can't," said Baldrick. "I'm stuck."
   Blackadder tried to wriggle Baldrick free, but he couldn't because his assistant cleaner's trousers were deeply stuck into the gate.
   "Unzip your trousers, Baldrick," Blackadder ordered.
   "What?" said Baldrick.
   "Lower the zipper down, undo your button and wriggle yourself out," said Blackadder. "Even a three-year-old could do that."
   But Baldrick didn't move an inch.
   Blackadder sighed and unzipped Baldrick's zip. Then he undid the button and successfully wiggled Baldrick out of his trousers.
   "Now, hurry up," ordered Blackadder.
   Then they ran around to the east side of Blackadder Hall.
   Blackadder went ahead but Baldrick was fixed on the nearest window.
   "Baldrick!" whispered Blackadder. "What is it now?"
   "You might want to take a look at this," Baldrick whispered.
   Blackadder sighed as he went over and looked through the window. He wasn't surprised but looked really mad.
   "Taking away my house, drinking my wine and bringing in a bunch of two-months-out-of-date-milk smelling and vomit-kissing hookers," moaned Blackadder. "And all because Flashheart did some half-arsed tour of duty in Afghanistan. But that's all gonna change when we finish our mission. Let's go, Baldrick."
   "But how are we gonna get into the basement?" asked Baldrick.
   "Easy," replied Blackadder, jingling some keys in his hands.
   "We'll jingle those keys to get the door open?" asked Baldrick.
   "No, Balders," sighed Blackadder. "These are the keys for the padlock guarding my basement."
   "But there's no padlock on the door," said Baldrick.
   "Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "Can't you see it's over – "
   But when he looked at the metal doors to his basement, he saw there wasn't a padlock, but a keypad.
   "I don't believe it!" snapped Blackadder. "How are we ever going to get in there now?"
   "You've always said to me," said Baldrick, "'if you want to get the better of someone, you gotta think like them'."
   "But how?" asked Blackadder. "If I start thinking like him, I'll soon start saying things like, 'woof'." He stopped and thought. "Hang on. I have an idea."
   Blackadder went to the keypad. "Now, let me see. A nine number keypad with the letters under the numbers. W is under the nine, so here we go. O is under the six, so press it twice. And, finally, f under two. So, volia!"
   The doors opened automatically.
   "Come on, Baldrick," said Blackadder. And they all went down.

It was very dark walking down the stairs.
   "Careful, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "It's dark, the stairs are rotten and, if I fall down for anything, your balls will be given to Manchester United."
   Behind him, he heard a big crash. Then he felt like he was being dragged down by someone. They landed on the floor.
   "It wasn't my fault," protested Baldrick. "I was being as careful as I can ever be."
   "In other words, as careful as a dung beetle who fell into quick sand because he thought it was a pool of diarrhea. Now, get off me!"
   Baldrick got off Blackadder, who got up and turned the lights on. Everywhere lit up and Blackadder smiled as he walked towards a giant wooden object.
   "Well, this is it, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "This is the key to our success."
   "But it's a big wooden clock, not a key," said Baldrick.
   "It's not even a clock," said Blackadder. "It's a time machine. Let's get in."
   Blackadder pulled the drawbridge-like door down and he and Baldrick went inside.
   "At least it's pretty enough for a wooden thing with a bunch of levers and two toilets," said Blackadder. "Now, let's get going."
   "But we don't know if it even works," said Baldrick.
   "Well, we'll never know if we don't try it, will we?" said Blackadder, as he pulled up the rope to close the door up. "Now, let's go."
   "Yes, sir," said Baldrick. Then he played around with the levers.
   The whole thing shook like a rocket. Blackadder's head fell into one of the toilet. When he pulled himself out, toilet water dripped down his angry face. "Baldrick, did you ever think about putting seat beats or restraining harness in?" he screamed.
   "I only just finished putting the levers in," said Baldrick. "I didn't even put the time or dates in yet."
   Then the thing stopped shaking.
   "What happened?" asked Baldrick.
   "There's only one way to find out," said Blackadder. He opened the door and walked out. He was surprised, but very disappointed.
   "God, we're still in London," he snapped. "And in the present. Let's get this machine working properly."
   He went back inside. He knew they were in present London, but what he didn't see was that the Mystery Machine had smashed into the time machine. The hood was up and the engine was smoking. Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Shaggy Rogers and Scooby Doo got out and coughed.
   "Okay, gang," said Fred. "Here's what we're gonna do. Shaggy, Scooby, you two stay here and guard the machine. The girls and I will go over to that red telephone box and call the insurance people."
   "Right, Fred," said Shaggy.
   "Reah," said Scooby.
   Then Fred and the girls left.
   "Man, like, my tummy's rumbling," moaned Shaggy, as he held his tummy.
   "Rine roo," joined in Scooby. Then his nose sniffed the air.
   Shaggy saw that something was pulling Scooby into the time machine, so he decided to follow. He tried to get into the machine, but he bumped into Mr. Bean who was also trying to get in.
   "Watch where you're going!" snapped Bean, as he and Teddy, in his left hand, walked in.
   Shaggy walked in and followed his nose. His nose took him to a bowl. He didn't know what was in it, but it looked and smelled good. He picked it up and got a spoon out of his pocket. He was to take a spoonful but it was empty when he put it to his lips. He saw Bean rubbing his tummy.
   Shaggy frowned and tried to take a sample, but this time it was Scooby who tried to take the bowl off him. Bean joined them.
   "Nice to know that lovely taste of the disgusting curry that came out of Baldrick's throat can still fill your hungry tummies," smiled Blackadder as he approached the stowaways.
   The eyes of Scooby, Shaggy and Bean widen and looked like they were going to throw up.
   "You might want to pop outside for throwing up," finished Blackadder.
   Then he and the stowaways fell down as the time machine shook again.
   "Baldrick, what are you doing?" Blackadder shouted.
   "You said you wanted to get off as soon as possible," said Baldrick.
   "Yes, but we have a bunch of stowaways with us now," said Blackadder. He looked at Shaggy and Bean throwing up in the toilets. But Scooby was licking Baldrick's vomit off his lips.
   Then the time machine shook and stopped.
   "Right, let's get them out of here and leave them here," said Blackadder.
   Baldrick opened the door and everyone walked out.
   "Like, where are we now?" asked Shaggy.
   Blackadder walked out too and saw they weren't in London anymore. Giant leaves with dark green leaves surrounded the time machine and the travellers. Then shouting could be heard. They all turned around to see knights on horses heading towards them.
   "Everyone, back into the time machine!" ordered Blackadder.
   Bean pushed through everyone to get in first, but an arrow that hit nearly the door made him fall and drop Teddy into the Time Machine.
   "Stay in there, Teddy!" Bean shouted, as he was picked up by two knights. "Don't come out for anything!"
   Bean joined the rest of the time travellers in chains and shackles. Then they saw two men jumped off their horses and approached them.
   "Now, what have we here?" asked a big man with a brown beard.
   "Excuse me," said Blackadder. "But who are you? And what year is this?"
   "This is Richard IV, King of England," said the younger man with black hair. "And I am Prince Harry of Wales."
   "And this is the year of Our Lord: 1485," said Richard IV.
   "This was no Richard IV of England," Blackadder chuckled. "We all know that Herny VII is the real king of England this time."
   "WHAT?" boomed Richard IV.
   "I think they're Tudor spies, father," said Harry.
   "Yes, I think you're right," said Richard IV. "Guards! Take them to the dungeons, for tomorrow they'll be executed as Tudor spies."

"Like, we're starving, man!" shouted Shaggy as he holding his hands out through the metal bars of his cells.
   "Reah!" Scooby joined with him.
   "Yes, why don't you keep that up going, guys?" said Blackadder, who just lied down on his back on the straw bed. "You'll get your dinner quickly."
   Then he heard a screeching sound coming from the left. He turned around to see Bean drawing on the wall with a rotten nail.
   "Do you have to do that?" asked Blackadder.
   Bean just smiled and showed him the wall. "Ta-da!"
   Blackadder looked at the wall. "Let me guess. A squid sucking up a blobfish?"
   "No, it's a banana skin on an apple," Bean corrected him.
   "A rocket flying to the moon?" went on Blackadder.
   "A carrot getting eaten by a rabbit," said Bean.
   "And those are the ugliest smoker's lungs I've ever seen," said Blackadder.
   "Those are seashells!" snapped Bean.
   "Oh, Bean," sighed Blackadder. "I've seen better paintings from six-years-old with dyspraxia."
   Then the door opened and everyone went silent. They all saw three figures coming in.
   "Are you the guy who brings us bread and water?" asked Shaggy.
   "Do I look like I have any bread or water on me?" asked the man dressed in black. "I am Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh."
   "Otherwise known as the Black Adder," added the short man with a beard.
   "Yes, thank you, Baldrick," smiled Edmund.
   The modern Blackadder and Baldrick were very surprised to meet their medieval ancestors.
   "And the Lord Warden of the Royal Privies," added the third man.
   "Yes, the Lord Warden of the Royal – " Edmund turned around to face him. "Shut up, Percy!"
   The modern Blackadder got up from his seat and approached his medieval ancestor. "Excuse me, Your Majesty. I am Jonathon... uh... Green... Adder. How can we serve you?"
   "No Tudor Spies can ever serve me," said Edmund. "Father's going to have your heads cut off for his dinner tomorrow."
   "Like, I don't feel hungry anymore," moaned Shaggy.
   "There are more severe punishments than death, you know," said Blackadder.
   "Really? Like what?"
   "Like leaving us in here," said Blackadder.
   "Without bread and water," added Baldrick. "That's when the prisoners will really want to die."
   "Hmm," pondered Edmund. "That might be – "
   "My lord," interrupted the medieval Baldrick.
   "These could be witches controlling your mind," the medieval Baldrick suggested.
   "You're probably right," said Edmund.
   "If we were witches," said Blackadder, "do you think we'd be staying in these cells and not be trying to make our way out?"
   Edmund turned around to face Blackadder. "Are you saying that you know where the witches are?"
   Medieval Baldrick grabbed Edmund. "My Lord, it could be a – "
   "Shh!" snapped Edmund.
   "My Lord," went on Blackadder, "if we help you to capture these witches, what would our reward be?"
   "You'll get your freedom back," replied Edmund.
   "Is that it?" asked Blackadder. "No castle? No land?"
   "Ro rextra rood?" added Scooby.
   "Just be grateful that you're going to get away with this!" snapped Edmund. "Now shut up, while we get the keys."


That night, the time travellers led Edmund and his companions out into the dark part of the forest. The modern Blackadder was leading them.
   "Where are the witches, Greenadder?" Edmund demanded to know.
   "It won't be long before the castle finds out about the unconscious guards smelling like beer," said Medieval Baldrick.
   "And urine," added Percy.
   "We did not serve any urine to the guards at all, Percy," snapped Edmund.
   "No, but that's what the dogs will find when they sniff their trousers," explained Percy.
   "Here we are," said the modern Blackadder, after a few minutes. "This is the witches' hideout."
   There was a long wait for where they were waiting. Everyone saw nothing except tall trees and dark skies.
   "You're not lying to me, are you, Greenadder?" sneered Edmund.
   "No, not at all," lied Blackadder. "They should come out, any minute now."
   "My Lord," said Medieval Baldrick.
   "Hmm?" asked Edmund.
   "All the other time travellers have deserted," Baldrick told him.
   "What?" Edmund turned around and saw that Baldrick was right. "Well, don't just stand there!" he yelled, as he drew out his sword. "Get after them!"
   They heard wailing in the air – not normal wailing. It made everyone suspicious. Edmund drew out his sword.
   Percy and Baldrick were shivering as they looked at Edmund.
   "What are you two shivering at?" he asked.
   Baldrick pointed to behind Edmund.
   The prince turned around. "What? There's nothing but huge, ugly witches and – "
   Then Edmund's eyes widen and he slowly turned around to see four witches and they were shining very brightly. Edmund ran away, followed by Percy and Baldrick.
   The modern Blackadder laughed. "Well done, guys."
   But the ghosts weren't moving. They were hovering just before him.
   "Guys?" Blackadder started to get suspicious. He slowly stepped back and quickly saw the four white ghosts moving towards him. They giggled quietly but threateningly.
   "Just turn the bloody torches off," said Blackadder. Their shininess did not dim and their laughter grew.
   Blackadder decided to quickly turn around and run. He ran as far as he could. He ran through all the trees and didn't care if he trod on web or poison berries or horse muck or even if something was that was stuck on his boot. He saw the time machine all lit up and he ran in.
   "Fat a lot of good, you guys were," he moaned to the time travellers, as he pulled the ramp up.
   "We got changed into witches' clothes as fast as we could," protested Baldrick, who was wearing a witch's skirt halfway up to his legs and had his witch's hat behind him.
   "Yeah, that I see," said Blackadder. Then he picked the thing under his shoe. It was a weird-looking object. "What is it?"
   "Zoinks!" cried Shaggy. "A witch's object! Scooby and I have seen lots of those in our solving-mysteries careers!"
   "Reah!" cried Scooby as he and Shaggy jumped into the toilets and pulled the lid above them.
   Bean was holding Teddy up and was using him as bodyguard. He screamed as he felt something cold on his neck and turned around to see Blackadder holding the object.
   "That's the worst this thing can do," he said. "Now, come on, Baldrick. Let's find more of these, till the end of time if we have to."
   "Right away, sir," said Baldrick, as he fiddled with the controls.

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