Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


9. Pride Rock Showdown

Sauvage and his squad of witches and hyenas led the chained up time travellers to Pride Rock. As they walked up to the rock, snarling hyenas and sneering witches greeted them.
   "Chains, hyenas, witches," muttered Blackadder. "What next? A scorpion bite?"
   "Ow!" screamed Baldrick, as he kicked a scorpion off his shoe.
   "Well, things can't get much worse now," said Blackadder.
   Sauvage and his team took the time-travellers into the royal den inside Pride Rock and joined the Gasforth Police, the MI7 team and Mystery Inc., who were all in chains as well.
   "Shaggy! Scooby!" cried Daphne and Velma together.
   "Where have you guys been?" asked Fred.
   "Like, back in time," replied Shaggy. "Literally."
   "Reah," said Scooby. "Riterally."
   Then a couple of witches lifted their arms up. Everyone saw rocks flew around the room and made a chair out of rocks in the middle.
   "Ohhh!" said the prisoners, who thought the witches' show was very good.
   "Yes, a very good show," said Blackadder. "But what's the point of a chair that is made out of rocks and will likely to give you a sore arse?"
   "I'm the point," said a female voice.
   On the rocky chair a witch appeared.
   "All hail the Grand Witch!" chanted the witches.
   "You have done well, all of you," smiled the Grand Witch. "Especially you, Monsieur Sauvage, with your work with capturing all the crown jewels in the world."
   "Merci, Madame," smiled Sauvage, bowing to the Grand Witch.
   "Because of your loyalty to us," went on the Grand Witch, "as promised, you shall be the king of the world with us as gods."
   "Wait a moment," growled a voice that belonged to a lion with a black mane who came out of the darkness. "You promised I would be king again, when you brought me and the hyenas back to life."
   "I never thought I'd prefer Mufasa to Scar," whispered Banzi to Shenzi and Edd, who agreed with him.
   Scar growled at them. "When I become king – "
   "Don't you mean if you become king?" suggested Shenzi.
   "You will be lucky if I don't eat you for saying that," finished Scar.
   "And to think the whole world would be revolved around a half-burnt, 'mane-less', worthless toothless lying lion," muttered Grim.
   "Oh, yes, I did promise you that," the Grand Witch said to Scar, "but – Maybe I hadn't thought about it, yet."
   "Oh, I think you have," said Blackadder. Then he turned to Scar. "It was her cunning plan to trick you guys into making her the queen of the world and then making you clean her boobs."
   "Silence while we're arguing!" snapped the Grand Witch.
   While Sauvage and Scar and the witches were arguing their heads off, the prisoners were getting sleepy.
   Expect for two. Pumbaa looked down and saw some ants crawling from a crack. He picked them up with his tongue. "Yum yum!" he cried.
   "Hey, save some for me!" yelled Timon. And he joined in the licking.
   "Hey! Stop that!" yelled the Grand Witch. "Somebody take those two away!"
   A witch picked them up and took them into the dark corner.
   "Can I say I don't want to rule the world?" asked Sauvage.
   Everyone went silent and was amazed, except English who had remember his encounter with Sauvage.
   "What are you up to, Sauvage?" asked English.
   "Why, I missed you, too, Monsieur English," smiled Sauvage.
   "Your brain was supposed to be given to be researched into the causes of hyper manic schizophrenia," said English. "How did you escape? What are you doing?"
   "I am merely saying I do not want the pressure of ruling a whole planet," said Sauvage. "And, to prove there are no hard feelings, I want to give the true rulers of the world a present that I have made earlier."
   He walked over to a large black cauldron. "I have prepared a special wine that I made from scratch."
   "Wine?" exclaimed Enrico. "Can I have some?"
   "Very well," said the Grand Witch. "Ladies, grab your glasses."
   The witches grabbed their glasses, went over to the cauldron and filled them with Sauvage's wine.
   "A toast to the true rulers of the world," said Sauvage, holding up his glass. "Bonne Sante!"
   All the witches drank from their glasses.
   "You have not drunk yours," the Grand Witch said to Sauvage.
   Sauvage looked like he was trying to think of some excuse not to drink his glass. "Oh, well, my doctor said I've been putting too much weight on so I'm trying to cut down," he finally said, patting his stomach.
   "Seize him!" ordered the Grand Witch.
   But the witches were just standing where they were and screaming in pain. Then their skin started to peel and their bones fell to the ground. Even Scar and the hyenas shared the same fate as them.
   "Oh, well done, Sauvage," said Fowler. "You'll be arrested for killing all those women."
   "They were bitches," Raymond," said Dawkins.
   "Watch your language, Patricia," warned Fowler. "Everyone is entitled to a fair trial. Even bitches."
   "That's where you're wrong," smiled Sauvage.
   "Hey, what happened to the witches that took Timon and Pumbaa away?" asked Velma.
   Then everyone heard a lot of screaming.
   "Don't you remember us, Simba?" cried Pumbaa's voice.
   "We're the ones who rescued you in the desert, remember?" said Timon's voice.
   Then everyone saw Timon and Pumbaa run out of the corner where they were taken. They were being chased by the Pride Land Animals, who were led by ex-King Simba.
   "Simba!" cried Zazu. "What are you doing?"
   "My reign has come to an end, Zazu," said Simba. "Me and Nala are surrounding to the rightful leader."
   "Is your mind running wild like it did when you were a cub?" snapped Zazu.
   Then Timon and Pumbaa appeared behind the bird.
   "Don't worry," whispered Timon. "We know what we're doing."
   "Sure, you do." Then Zazu felt as his wings were free from the shackles and his right one had a small metal object.
   "Shall we get on with it?" asked Sauvage.
   Rafiki hoped over to Sauvage and got out the Crown of England. He held it over Sauvage's head.
   "And so," said Rafiki, "by the power vested in me, by the laws of the Pride Lands, I crown you k – "
   "STOP!" yelled English.
   Sauvage looked ahead to see the prisoners out of shackles. Zazu held up a big gold key in his right wing.
   English and his team aimed their guns at the French villain.
   "You are under arrest for stealing the Crown Jewels," said Fowler, getting the handcuffs ready.
   "For holding the Police and citizens captive," added Dawkins.
   "And, just, you know, basically, taking over the world and all that stuff," added Goody.
   "Not so fast!" yelled Sauvage, rising up from the throne. He took his royal robes off and on the middle of his shirt was the Daemon Ritus. It was the same one Mystery Inc. found on their visit to Spooky Island.
   "I think I'm going to be sick," cried Goody.
   "Don't you even think about being sick on the queen's – " But Fowler began to feel sick, too. Out of his mouth came his soul and all the prisoners' souls came out and headed for the Daemon Ritus.
   "What are we going to do, Timon?" asked Pumbaa, as he and Timon were trying to escape the royal den from the Daemon Ritus.
   "I don't know, Pumbaa!" yelled Timon.
   They were still running like made around the place without concentrating and, eventually, they bumped into Sauvage and knocked him over. The flying souls all went back into their bodies.
   "Guys, are you yourselves?" Fred asked Mystery Inc., remembering the experience from Spooky Island.
   "I am," replied Daphne.
   "Me, too," replied Velma.
   "Like, I'm me," Shaggy said happily.
   "Re roo," said Scooby.
   "Oh, my god," moaned Grim's voice. It wasn't coming out of his body. It was coming from Boyle's body. "I'm trapped in a big, fatty, watty, overweight body."
   "Well, at least you have my hair, sir," moaned Boyle's voice coming out of Grim's body, rubbing the forehead.
   "Never mind about my forehead!" shouted Grim. "Fowler! Where are you?"
   Then Goody walked to him. "What is it, Grim?" asked Fowler's voice.
   Grim, Boyle and Kray laughed their heads off. "Had a make-over, sir?" joked Kray, whose soul was back in his real body.
   Goody's arms felt his face and his hair. "Oh, my god! Goody! Where are you?"
   He ran looking for the body that Goody's soul was in. He approached Blackadder and Baldrick. "Goody, are you in either of those bodies?"
   "No," replied a perfectly normal Baldrick.
   "No," said Bean's voice coming out of Blackadder's mouth.
   Then Bean's body came behind Blackadder's. "Tell me it's not who I think it is in body, Baldrick?"
   "No, Mr. B," said Baldrick.
   "Oh, that's good," said Blackadder's voice.
   "Hello," said Bean's voice.
   Bean's body walked to Baldrick and punched him in the face.
   Then Goody's body ran to Fowler's body.
   "Oh, hello, sir," said Goody's voice.
   "Dear God," muttered Fowler's voice. Then he heard crunching. He saw a wotsit going to Fowler's mouth.
   "Goody, get that out of – "
   "Pardon me, sir," said Goody's voice, "but I'm in your body, I'm wearing the hat and therefore this wotsit is going into this mouth." Then the wotsit was shoved into Fowler's mouth.
   "Be care with my body, Goody," ordered Fowler's voice.
   "Very good, sir," said Goody's voice.
   While everyone was arguing, English and his team went over to the knocked-out Sauvage.
   "Sauvage, put your hands in the air and stand up," ordered English, pointing his gun at him.
   But Sauvage didn't move.
   "Don't play games with me, Sauvage," said English.
   "Sir, I think there's something wrong with him," said Bough.
   "No time for sympathies, Bough," said English.
   "No, what he meant was he's acting funny, sir," said Tucker.
   English scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous, both of you. It's not like Sauvage is a robot in disguise."
   "Johnny," called Campbell, throwing a face mask and a grey wig into his hands.
   "If the real Sauvage is dead," went on Campbell, pointing to Sauvage, "then who's that?"
   English joined Tucker and Bough around the robot. Then something was moving under the shirt. Bough and Tucker unbuttoned it.
   "Puppy power!" shouted Scrappy Doo, as he jumped out of the robot.
   "Not you again!" shouted Daphne.
   "How did you escape from prison, Scrappy?" asked Fred.
   "No questions!" yelled Scrappy. "Remember when you guys wouldn't appoint me your unquestioned leader?"
   Then the puppy grew taller and stronger.
   "You absorbed all the souls from the Pride Rock animals, didn't you?" said Velma.
   "Correct!" yelled Scrappy Rex, as he finished growing. "And now you will bow to your unquestioned leader – me!"
   Then Scrappy Rex was hit and the Daemon Ritus was shot off his chest. The monster knocked down a rocky column before he shrank back to his normal size with all the souls coming out of his body.
   The souls of the Pride Rock animals went into their bodies and out of the bodies came demons; the ancient demons who were all from Spooky Island. The sunlight from the hole in the roof from the column Scrappy Rex knocked down shone on the demons and they vanished into thin air.
   Due to the Daemon Ritus off Scrappy Rex, it made the souls of the prisoners come out of the bodies and then back in again.
   "Oh, thank goodness," sighed Fowler, glad to be back in his uniform despite the cheese on it.
   "Good lord," smiled Blackadder.
   "Yay!" exclaimed Baldrick's voice in Bean's body.
   "Yay!" exclaimed Bean's voice in Baldrick's body.
   Scrappy Rex grew back to Scrappy Doo and lied flat on the ground.
   "Is he dead?" asked Fred.
   English felt Scrappy's pulse. "No, I think he's in a coma." Then he turned to everyone.
   "Attention, everyone!" Everyone stood to attention. "Who was it who pulled the trigger at those arrogant runt?"
   "That was me!" shouted a voice. Everyone turned around to see Lord Flashheart walking into the royal den.
   "I was flying around in the sky, heard you lot in trouble and decided to use all my super strength, my ingenious skills and my Florence Nightingale heart to help you guys out," said Flashheart. "Woof!"
   Simba approached Flashheart. "As King of Pride Rock, I want to thank you for saving my life, family, friends and everyone in the Pride Lands. I hereby dub you a knight of the Pride Lands."
   "Thank you, King," said Flashheart, bowing to the lion. "Oh, and, by the way, can I say, I like your mane. It's bushier than the patch of hair in my trousers. Woof!"
   "Woof!" repeated everyone, except Blackadder, who just shook his head at everyone's stupid admiration for Flashheart.
   "Oh, god!" he muttered. "This is more stupid than seeing Baldrick's puppet show," he muttered.
   When he heard laughter, he turned to see everyone watching Baldrick wearing two puppet gloves.
   Baldrick held one red sock with black tape in his right hand. "This one is called Mr. – Red," he told everyone. Then he produced his green sock with a banana skin on it. "And this one is called Mrs. – Banana."
   Blackadder just rolled his eyes in frustration.

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