Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


3. Investigating the Sinclair

It wasn't long before the Police arrived at the Sinclair hotel. There was tape all over the car park and the hotel. Gladstone and Goody were escorting the hotel guests and the staff out.
   Sergeant Dawkins and P.C. Habib went over to the manager of the hotel.
   "I am Donald Sinclair, owner of this and lots of hotels," snapped Sinclair. "I have more and better hotels than the Hiltons."
   Dawkins and Habib just grabbed him by the arms.
   "What do I look to you, a retard who can't walk?" snapped Sinclair.
   "Sir, we need to escort everyone out quickly, including you," Dawkins told him.
   "Why?" demanded Sinclair. "It's not like the bad guy could be hiding inside my hotel."
   "Actually, it could, sir," said Habib.
   Sinclair broke free from the girls and went over to Inspector Fowler. "Excuse me, Officer. What in the name of windy winds is going on here?"
   "Well, sir, a mini has crashed into your water fountain," Fowler told him.
   "A mini?" exclaimed Sinclair. "Are you saying the baths in my hotels in Gasforth, Las Vegas and Fatehpur are too small for midgets to get in to?"
   "I would think the third one of yours must be for anyone to notice," D.C. Kray chuckled.
   "Detective Constable Kray," said Fowler.
   "Yes, sir?" asked Kray.
   "It is time for an investigation, not for jokes about poverty," Fowler told him.
   "Was Robert telling a joke about chickens?" asked Goody.
   "Poverty, Goody, not poultry!" snapped Fowler. "And how's the investigation coming on?"
   "Sir, I've found the driver," D.C Boyle called over, as he was investigating Mr. Bean's mini.
   Fowler and the rest of the team ran to the mini.
   "All right, let me have him," said Fowler.
   Out of the mini, Boyle pulled out... a burst Mr. Blobby.
   "Is this a joke, D.C. Boyle?" asked a very not-amused Fowler.
   "No, sir," said Boyle. "This thing was in the driver's seat. And here is, what I think, his driving license."
   Fowler took the license and studied it. It was a pink card, had a picture I.D. of Mr. Blobby and all the writing was 'Blobby' for everything.
   "But this doesn't prove anything," said Fowler. "Habib, have you called the DVLA?"
   "Yes, sir," replied Habib. "But they're engaged."
   "Sir, here are the vehicle documents," said Boyle as he gave them to Fowler. Again, the writing was all in 'Blobby' writing.
   "Great," moaned Fowler. "I'd like to know how this investigation could get any worse."
   "What's going on, Fowler?"
   Everyone turned around to see Detective Inspector Grim.
   "Everything's under control, Grim," said Fowler.
   "Detective Inspector Grim to you," snapped Grim. "And what are you doing fannying about with a car while you could be doing something better?"
   "Like what?" asked Fowler.
   "Like – Uh, uh, well, uh – Something better than this."
   "Well, my officers and I have protected the streets and solved plenty of crimes for two months, Grim, while you took it nice and easy in a hospital," said Fowler. "Even your boys Kray and Boyle have managed – "
   "Being in a hospital for two months is not a holiday, Fowler!" snapped Grim. "And it's not my fault I had to have bowel cancer surgery."
   "Isn't it?" said Fowler. "That's what you get for eating too much curries and drinking alcohol and coffee."
   "Enough, Fowler!" yelled Grim. "Let's just get this investigation over with."
   Fowler then turned to his officers. "Any news?"
   "No, sir," said Habib.
   "Except Goody went back in the hotel," said Dawkins.
   "What for?" demanded Fowler.
   "He said he was going to check if there were other people in there, sir," said Habib. "But knowing him – "
   "Right!" Fowler turned to face all his officers. "Gladstone, stay here and keep an eye on everyone. The rest of you with me. Now!"
   As Fowler and his team ran back into the hotel, Grim turned to Kray and Boyle.
   "Right, boys, let's get in there, too," he ordered. "Go! Go! Go!"

"Anything upstairs?" asked Fowler.
   "No, darling," said Dawkins.
   "How many times do I have to tell you, Sergeant?" snapped Fowler. "Call me Inspector, darling!" Then he realised what he said, took a deep breath and continued searching. "When I find that boy, I'm gonna charge him."
   "Sir, I've found Goody," Habib said, coming back from the stairs to the basement.
   "Right." Fowler passed Habib and headed down the stairs. He saw Goody there. Grim, Kray and Boyle were with him, too. They were looking through the door to the generator room with blue lighting.
   Fowler grabbed Goody. "Goody, what in drumming drums were you doing – "
   Grim nudged him. "Shut up, Fowler. Give this young lad a break. He's helped the C.I.D."
   The whole police gathered behind them. They heard loud arguing noises coming from the room.
   "On the count of three," whispered Grim. "One... Two... Four... Go! Go! Go!"
   The entire Police ran into the generator room. They were greeted by three people with guns.
   "Gasforth Police," said Fowler. "Stand down!"
   The three people didn't.
   "Don't you remember us?" asked Habib. "We met at the Museum of Gasforth when the Crown Jewels were stolen."
   "When was this?" asked Goody.
   "Yesterday, Goody!" snapped Fowler. "Jeepers ceepers! Are you a policeman or a goldfish?"
   "I think it was the first thing you said, sir," replied Goody.
   "Everyone, put your weapons down," said a voice.
   "But, sir – "
   "Put the gun down, Bough," ordered the voice again. "All of you."
   They all did as a man in tuxedo came in. "Johnny English, MI7. And this is Agents Bough, Tucker and Miss Campbell."
   "What are you guys spying on?" asked Kray. "Seeing Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis in their underpants and knickers?"
   "Kray, we have no time fannying about with nudey, rudey, nexty, sexy wokey jokes!" snapped Grim.
   "Yes, I remember all of you," said English. "We placed the Crown Jewels in a brand new museum."
   "Why?" asked Dawkins.
   "Because the queen doesn't want another Pascal Sauvage incident, isn't it, Mr. English?" said Fowler.
   "That's true, Inspector," said English.
   "And was it you who recommended the Crown Jewels be moved to Gasforth, Raymond?" snapped Dawkins.
   "Well, I thought this town needed a bit more royalty here," said Fowler.
   Dawkins was about to slap him, but Fowler quickly said, "But we might be able to give you a hand. We're very good at investigations."
   "Oh, I think you've done enough for us yesterday and ever since you put the Crown Jewels here," said English. "Us four will be all right."
   "I don't know, sir," said Bough. "I think we could use more hands."
   "This is not a mission for millipedes, Bough," said English.
   "Pegasus hasn't given us much guys... or girls on this mission, sir," said Tucker.
   "We will need their help, Johnny," said Campbell, "if we are to find every crown jewel in the whole wide world, not just the British ones."
   "Speaking of which," said Habib, "while we were at that museum, I picked up this."
Campbell took it. "What is it?" she asked Habib.
   "It's a witch's artefact," answered Habib.
   "We have no time for fannying about paintings!" snapped Grim.
   "Sir, it's an object to proof that witches did exist," Boyle told him.
   "Oh," said Grim.
   Then a bump was banging from one of the metal lockers.
   "I thought I told you check everywhere, Tucker," said English.
   "I did, sir," said Tucker.
   Then he and English went to the metal lockers. They opened it and drew out their guns.  "Freeze!" shouted Tucker.
   "Okay!" screamed a man who was wearing a cleaner's uniform. "What would you like me to freeze? My glass of water or my sausages from my underpants?"
   "What's your name?" asked Tucker.
   "Baldrick, sir," replied the man.
   "Baldrick what?" asked Bough. "What's your first name?"
   "I think it's 'Bog Off'," replied Baldrick.
   "We're in no mood for games, you dirty little man!" snapped Tucker.
   "It's all I can think off," said Baldrick. "You see, when I was an assistant gardener at Melchett Hall, I said to the posh lads, 'Hello, I'm Baldrick' and they'd say – ".
   "Okay, I've heard enough," said English. "What are you doing here?"
   "Well, the head cleaner gave me the job of cleaning these lockers, after I cleaned out the sceptic tanks," replied Baldrick.
   Everyone groaned, especially Campbell, Dawkins and Habib.
   "No wonder it smells like crap in here," Campbell coughed.
   "All right, get out of here," ordered English. "Go and join your colleagues outside."
   Baldrick got out of the locker and walked out.
   "Shouldn't someone go after him, sir?" Boyle asked Grim.
   "Hmm?" asked Grim.
   "Well, he could be up to something," explained Boyle.
   "He's a dirty wirty scrumy wummy pathetic prick," replied Grim. "He can't even clean out a locker, so what could he possibly do at all?"

Baldrick got hopefully lost through the basement, but quickly found a fire exit door.
   "So where have you been, Baldrick?" asked a voice. "Didn't you hear the drill?"
Baldrick turned around to see his boss next to the door, smoking a cigarette.
   "Sorry, Mr. Blackadder," said Baldrick. "I heard something, but I thought it was Scott Mills beatboxing. You know – " Then he demonstrated his own beatboxing.
   "Shut up, Baldrick," snapped Blackadder. "What have you been up?"
   "Just been cleaning out the lockers, then some coppers and some spies told me to – "
   "Just a minute, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "Did you say, 'spies'?"
   "Just some nonsense about witches' farty facts," said Baldrick.
   "They said it was a witch's object," explained Baldrick.
   "You mean witches' artefacts," Blackadder told him.
   "Said they were looking for all of them and when they do – "
   "They'll find all the crown jewels and get rewarded," finished Blackadder. "Not if we can help it. I have a cunning plan, Baldrick. Do you know what it is?"
   "That we wait for the cops and the spies to find the witches' objects," said Baldrick, "and then we follow them to find the crown jewels and then we give them back and we'll become heroes."
   "Something even better," smiled Blackadder. "We go back in time to grab as many witch objects as we can find, use them to track them down the crown jewels before anyone else does and I'll be King of the world."
   "You?" pondered Baldrick.
   "Don't worry, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "When I become King, I'll make you my... butler."
   "But how are we gonna go back in time?" asked Baldrick.
   "We use my time machine," replied Blackadder. "The one I've been building in my basement."
   "Not your basement anymore, is it?" said Baldrick. "Not since Blackadder Hall is now Flashheart Hall."
   "Less crap talk, more moving to my basement, got it?" snapped Blackadder.
   "Yes, sir," sighed Baldrick. He started walking, followed by Blackadder.

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