Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


8. German Spies and Toilet Business

Daphne was right. Scooby and Shaggy were in the time machine with the time-travellers snacking on the whole food supply from Prince George's palace.
   Mr. Bean peeled a banana skin, but when he took a bite, he couldn't taste it because the actual banana had fallen out of the skin and onto the floor.
   "Okay, Baldrick," said Blackadder, walking to his faithful servant. "How are we doing?"
   "I think I ate too much apples," said Baldrick, "so I got a poorly tummy."
   "No, when are we due to land, idiot?" asked Blackadder.
   Blackadder, Baldrick and Bean frowned at Scooby and Shaggy.
   "Excuse us," Shaggy chuckled nervously, as he and his dog blushed.
   "I think we landed, Mr. B," said Baldrick.
   "Right," said Blackadder, as he went to lower the ramp. "Let's get out and see if we can't find any witch objects in – "

   Blackadder was amazed to find himself in the trenches of France in World War One and his shoes stuck in deep ankle mud, just like the time machine.
   "What's going on, Mr. B?" asked Baldrick, as everyone got out.
   "Well, Baldrick, either it's the Battle of Somme," said Blackadder, "or it's the Battle of Hoth."
   "Hold it right there!" shouted a voice.
   Blackadder, Baldrick, Scooby and Shaggy put their hands up as they were surrounded a circle of British troops holding their rifles at them.
   "My, my, my," said a voice. "You've really outdone yourself, you pack of Jerrys."
   Blackadder turned to see an officer with a moustache walking towards him. "Sorry?" said Blackadder in his normal voice. Then he pretended to clear his throat. "I'm sorry," he repeated, putting on a German accent. "Are we on the wrong side?"
   "What's going on, Captain Darling?" asked a voice.
   Captain Darling turned around to see a man bigger than him with a bigger moustache. "General Melchett, sir. We've found four German men have been hiding inside a box."
   "Well, show me, then," said Melchett.
   Darling ordered the British troops to move the time-travellers out of the way and Melchett approached the time machine.
   "Wait a minute," whispered Blackadder. "Where's Bean?"
   As Melchett started to walk into the time machine, Bean bumped into him.
   "Hello there," Melchett said friendly. "And who are you?"
   Bean struggled to speak. Then Melchett looked down at Bean's left hand. It was holding a bucket of brushes dripped in oil.
   "Are you a toilet cleaner?" asked the general.
   Bean quickly nodded his head.
   "And have these German spies been keeping you prisoner?" asked Melchett, pointing to the time-travellers.
   Bean tried to think of something to say.
   "We'll take that as a yes," said Melchett. "Okay, Darling, take the spies away."
   "Yes, sir," said Darling. "Men, take the spies away."

The time-travellers were inside a prison cell.
   "Well, this is just great, isn't it?" moaned Blackadder. "We're trapped in a cell, while Bean is roaming free, picking up turds."
   Then the door opened.
   "Your firing squad is here to see you," said the guard. "Captain Blackadder, Private Baldrick and Lieutenant George.
   As the firing squad walked in, the modern Blackadder and Baldrick, yet again, were surprised to their World War One ancestors.
   "Thank you, Perkins," said the leader of the squad.
   Perkins the guard shut the door behind him.
   "Welcome, Captain," said the modern Blackadder, putting on his German accent. "My name is Major Gelb-Natter. This is Shaggy, Scooby and my right-hand man, Private… Laufen-Nase."
   "Oh, that sounds like a nice name," said Private Baldrick.
   "It means 'wet nose' in German," said the modern Blackadder.
   "Oh," said Private Baldrick. "Still an exciting name, though."
   "What are you guys doing here?" Captain Blackadder asked the time-travellers.
   "Why does it matter?" asked the modern Blackadder. "You're going to shoot us tomorrow and there's nothing you guys can do to stop, not even if I offer a way to get you out of the trenches."
   "Now, hold on," said Captain Blackadder. "Let's not be too hasty. Let's all just sit down."
   Captain Blackadder and his team sat on the chairs opposite the bed where the time-travellers sat.
   The Captain took his hat off. "Now, as you were saying…"

Melchett and Darling took Bean to Melchett's staff headquarters.
   "Now, since you're our new chief plumber," said Melchett, "I want you to see our bathroom plan for our boys."
   They took him to the big desk where there was nothing except a cardboard piece with cardboard walls up around it.
   "Well, what do you think?" Melchett asked Bean.
   "Well, it's a nice cardboard," replied Bean.
   Then Darling got out little pieces of wooden-made toilets, showers, baths and sinks. "Now, I was thinking that we could put the shower over – "
   "Ah ah ah ah!" snapped Bean, snatching the shower from Darling. "Wait a minute. Let's start with a toilet." And he put a toilet in the corner.
   Melchett had a bath in his hand. "Now how about putting the bath over here?"
   "Oh, yes," agreed Bean. "And we can have a toilet over here." He put a toilet next to it.
   "Now how about the shower?" asked Darling.
   "Oh, I know," said Bean, taking the shower and putting it in the corner opposite of the bath and he put two toilets opposite of it.
   "Now, here are the sinks," said Melchett, giving it to Bean.
   Bean put one sink unit near the toilet near the bath and the other one next to the shower and put a toilet next to each sink.
   "Sir," said Darling, as he walked to Melchett. "I think this is a bad idea."
   "Nonsense, Darling," chuckled Melchett. "Look at him – a real toilet expert. Knows his stuff and what he's doing."
   Bean turned around from his work. "Ta-da!"
   Melchett and Darling walked to see it.
   "WHAT IS THIS?" the general bellowed.
   There were full of toilets around the whole set. The shower was in the middle. The bath standing vertical and the sinks were completely gone. Bean had completely messed up the bathroom plan.
   "We can't give the men this!" went on Melchett. "Where is that imbecile?"
   Neither he nor Darling could see Bean anywhere in the room.
   "Perhaps he escaped, sir," said Darling.
   "Well, don't just stand there!" bellowed Melchett. "Send a squad after him."
   "Yes, sir," said Darling. He ran to his desk and dialed the telephone.

Meanwhile, Captain Blackadder and a squad of soldiers led the time-travellers to a courtyard.
   Captain Blackadder addressed the soldiers. "Okay, lads, go and get your weapons. Prisoners, to the wall."
   Private Baldrick dragged his modern descendent and the modern Blackadder, while George dealt with Scooby and Shaggy.
   "No, no!" cried Shaggy. "Like, I ain't ready to be shot! I have so much to see, hear and eat."
   "Re roo," added Scooby.
   "If I can have any last requests – " said Shaggy.
   "I have a request," interrupted George. "A little more shush!"

The firing squad soldiers were checking and loading their guns.
   They ran to the courtyard. Captain Blackadder, George and Private Baldrick were lying on the ground and the time-travellers were lying on the ground, too. There was red liquid on everyone, but Blackadder and his team were breathing and the time-travellers were not.

"That was close, sir," said Baldrick, who was lying on a hospital bed.
   "Yes, Baldrick," agreed Blackadder, who was on a bed on the other side. "Now we can take it nice and easy."
   "I think it was a very clever ruse, sir," said George.
   "Yes, George," said Blackadder.
   "To fake those spies death by shooting scarecrows dressed as them and letting them escape was sheer brilliance," went on George.
   "That's enough, George," said Blackadder.
   "And the way we put tomato ketchup on our legs to make us look like we're crippled, pure genius!" George went on again.
   "Yeah!" agreed Baldrick. "And now we can be in this hospital for the rest of the war. Yay!"
   "Baldrick!" snapped Blackadder. "Now, quiet, both of you, before anyone hears the details."
   "Which we already have, Blackadder," snapped Melchett, as he and Darling walked into the hospital room.
   "Don't listen to them, General," said Blackadder. "They're probably suffering from amnesia."
   "Keep lying like that, Blackadder," warned Darling, "and you'll be dusting my office, cutting the general's hair and cleaning the toilets for six months."
   "Well, at least, you'd be away from the trenches, sir," said Baldrick.
   "Baldrick, you're the next man to lead the next attack in No Man's Land," snapped Blackadder.
   "Oh, no, he's not, Blackadder!" roared Melchett. "You are. You and your friends over here will find the spies and the toilet cleaner or there will be a worst hell than hell for you."
   "You mean, watching Buster Keaton?" asked Blackadder.
   "Being discharged and being in charge of the toilet papers," said Melchett. "Now, get moving!"

Bean was running through the trenches. He tripped over a brick and fell into a puddle. As he picked his body up, he felt something in his right hand. As he stood up, he saw it was a candle-shaped metal stick that was slammed into a human skull.
   "Come on, Candle Brain," said Blackadder, as he grabbed Bean. "We've got to escape."
   There were soldiers behind them led by Captain Blackadder. They got to the time machine in time to see the time-travellers running into it.
   "Lads, ready!" shouted Blackadder.
   The soldiers readied their guns.
   They took aim.
   "Fire!" yelled Blackadder.
   But the time machine vanished and Melchett's car was full of holes, broken windows and burst car tyres.
   "BLACKADDER!" screamed Melchett's voice.

The time machine was flying away.
   "Well done, everyone," said Blackadder. "We've escaped with our lives." Then he saw Bean playing with the object he found in the trenches. "What have you got there, Bean?"
   "I don't know," replied Bean.
   "Well, let's have a look," said Blackadder as he took it from Bean. He studied it. "Well, if this is a witch's object, their spell to cure brain cancer must have been a failure."
   Then the lights went off and the machine was shaking like an earthquake and spinning like a washing machine.
   "What did you do, Baldrick?" yelled Blackadder.
   "I don't know!" shouted Baldrick. "I didn't even touch anything!"
   Then suddenly everything went still. Everyone was all right except Scooby and Shaggy because their faces were in the toilets.
   Then the ramp was lowered down, but how? No one was touching the rope to lower it, but it was doing it on its own.
   Then Blackadder, Baldrick, Bean, Scooby, Shaggy and even Teddy were being lifted and pulled out of the machine.
   They landed on in a place full of grass and rocks. In front of them was Pride Rock hyenas, a few witches and a man wearing a white tuxedo.
   "Give me the witches' artefacts," the man said in a French accent, "and no harm will come to you."
   "Okay," said Bean, as he searched for the artefacts in his pockets.
   "No, wait!" ordered Blackadder, stopping Bean from his pocket–searching. "You're just going to kill us anyway, wherever we give them to you or not, Pascal Sauvage."
   "You've heard of me?" asked Sauvage.
   "Yes, everyone's heard of you," said Blackadder. "The French bastard who tried to take the crown from the Queen of England and turn the island into a prison."
   "Why, you little – " Sauvage drew out a pistol and aimed at Blackadder's head.
   "Mr. Sauvage!" shouted one witch, as he lifted her hand up. The gun flew out of Sauvage's hand. "The Grand Witch insists that these prisoners be taken to Pride Rock immediately."
   Sauvage withdrew his pistol. "All right, take the witch stuff off them and take them to Pride Rock before I change my mind."
   The hyenas giggled as they approached the prisoners slowly and suspiciously.

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