Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


5. Fannying About with Artefacts

Fred, Daphne and Velma ran into the Gasforth Police Station and went to see Sergeant Dawkins at the reception desk.
   "What do you three kids want?" asked Dawkins. "This isn't the place to collect your 'Being the Clumsiest and Stubborn Trio of the Year' award, you know."
   "Crashing my van wasn’t my fault!" snapped Fred.
   "Who was driving?" asked Dawkins.
   "Uh, me," replied Fred.
   "If you were a good driver," said Dawkins, "you would've been able to avoid this block on the road. You're lucky your friend's dad is paying the insurance and the ransom."
   "Ma'am, we've come here for a different purpose," said Daphne.
   "Two of our friends are missing," said Velma.
   "Where were they last seen?" asked Dawkins.
   "Last time we saw them was with the van," said Fred.
   "We thought they ran off to get food," said Daphne. "And we looked through every pub, every cafe and every supermarket. Nothing"
   "Did you try the public toilets?" asked Dawkins. "Now stop wasting my time and sod off!"
   "What's going on, Patricia?" asked Fowler as he and Goody came in. Then he looked at the Mystery Inc. trio. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Clint Eastwood, Jean Arthur and... Sigourney Weaver."
   "Who's who?" Fred asked Daphne and Velma.
   "Observably, Sigourney Weaver wasn't a cowgirl," Daphne told him.
   "What are you three doing here?" Fowler asked.
   "Two of their friends are missing, as well as their van," said Dawkins.
   "What's next?" asked Fowler. "Someone stealing your nails?"
   "Maybe I could go out and help them, sir," suggested Goody as he walked in. "Their missing friends could a link to this witch mystery."
   Fowler shushed him. "Goody, just because those MI7 idiots are taking this witch lark seriously doesn't mean we should."
   Then English and his team burst in. "Inspector Fowler, MI7 has tracked something at Ambion Hall. We need to get there as soon as we can and we need your help."
   "Well, are you sure?" asked Fowler. "Because if we drive two and a half hours all the way just to look at some other pretty painted thing made out of stone, I will charge for wasting police time."
   "Raymond, how about a little less fannying about," said Grim, "and a little more go, go, go!"
   "May we come?" asked Fred. "We do this kind of thing all the time."
   "And we might find our missing friends," added Daphne.
   "Yes, the more, the merrier," said Grim. "Now, go, go, go!"
   Grim led the police officers out.

Outside the officers were admiring English's dark blue rolls-royce, Campbell's pink Toyota and Tucker's white Jaguar.
   "Well, I suppose we could take a few officers in my car," said English, slowly putting his hand on the car. "But be careful, because if you put one finger on anything without looking – "
   English jumped as he lifted his hand off from the bonnet. He looked at his hand and it was covered in white.
   "Bird poo," he muttered. Then he turned back to everyone. "As you can see – Well, you know. Now, let me see – "
   All the officers had their hands up.
   "I choose you, young lady," English said, pointing to Habib. "And you two young ladies." Daphne and Velma joined him.
   Campbell chose Fowler, Dawkins and Gladstone and Tucker took Grim, Kray and Boyle.
   Every other officer got into a Police car, except Goody.
   "I would've driven us if only I hadn't crashed the Mystery Van," said Fred, walking to Goody. "As if that's not bad enough, it's been stolen."
   "Well, I've seen something much worst," said Goody. "There was the time a car crashed into the sea and, when it was picked up, it smelt of fish, seaweed and urine from the toilet pipes leading into the sea."
   While Goody was boring Fred with the smelly car, Zazu, Timon and Pumbaa were behind them.
   "Once the car gets here," said Zazu, "we'll sneak in, ride to where they're going and, with luck, we'll – "
   "Wait!" cried Timon. "What do you need a car for? You've got wings."
   "I am very tired from all that flying to here," snapped Zazu.
   "But we sneaked on a ferry from the docks in South Africa and sailed all the way to here," said Pumbaa.
   "I meant flying around looking for worms and beetles and bugs for you to eat," explained Zazu.
   "Ah, our carriage awaits!" cried Timon. But he was disappointed when a bumped and rusty grey Nissan arrived. Bough got out and opened the door from the passenger side.
   "Ready, now!" shouted Zazu, as he flew into the back of the car unnoticed by Goody and Fred. Timon and Pumbaa ran for the car, but they bumped their heads on the shut door.
   "Hey!" shouted Timon, as he rubbed his bruised head. "What about us?"
   Pumbaa was struggling. His tusks were stuck into Bough's car. He panicked when he heard the engine starting up again and desperately tried to pull his tusks out.
   Timon got onto Pumbaa's back. "This is great! It's gonna be smooth driving from here on."
   "For you," Pumbaa huffed as he wriggled like a worm when Bough's car started moving.

On the motorway, Bough's car was driving very fast and was passing cars and lorries. Every time it passed one, Pumbaa screamed and wriggled.
   "Hey, Pumbaa, stop the wriggling!" Timon cried. "It's dangerous enough!"
   Pumbaa snorted.

Pumbaa was so relieved when the journey stopped. The opening door helped to knock him off the car. He and Timon flew in the air and landed into an apple tree. They fell along with the raining apples.
   "This is no time for playing around," snapped Zazu, flying above them. "We've got to find out what happened to Simba. Now, come on!"
   "Good job, Pumbaa," moaned Timon, as he and his best friend rolled out of the pile of apples.
   "Oh, thank you," said Pumbaa.
   "I was being sarcastic," Timon told him.

Meanwhile, the Gasforth Police and the MI7 team were walking through a field. They were following Bough who was holding an MI7 tracker.
   "Be careful, everyone," warned English. "This place could be set with booby traps and magic and – Ahh!" He froze in horror.
   "What is it, sir?" asked Tucker.
   "My foot is – "
   "What?" asked Campbell.
   "My foot is stuck in cow poo," replied English.
   Campbell, Dawkins, Habib, Daphne and Velma pulled disgusted faces. If that wasn't disgusting enough for them, some cow muck was splattered onto them. A disgusted Habib turned to face at an innocent-looking Goody.
   "Sorry," he apologized. "Didn't look where I was going."
   English sighed. "You and your techno gadgets, Bough! Leave it to me with the map."
   "Sorry, sir," said Bough, "but the map won't help us find the witches' objects."
   "Nonsense, Bough," said English. "It will."
   "Oh, stop fannying about and give me the damn thing!" snapped Grim as he took the device from Bough. "Now, let's see. Go straight, then turn two miles right..."
   Everyone followed Grim's directions. As they were turning right, Goody and Kray fell off a little edge.
   "Turn a little left..."
   Dawkins fell down a hole and got stuck halfway.
   "Turn half a mile towards the right..."
   "The only one who is doing anything fannying about is you, Grim," sighed Fowler.
   "You think you can do anything better, Fowler?" asked Grim, slamming the device into Fowler's hand. "Go on, prove it."
   Fowler studied the device and threw it behind him. "Mr. English, your map, please."
   English gave him the map and Fowler studied it. "That machine said the object was at five miles..." He turned around. "...the other way.

Another five hours, the team was still walking, but were getting very tired.
   "I'm hungry, Raymond," moaned Dawkins. 
   "So am I, Patricia," said Fowler, "but we must carry on and not let anything stop us."
   CRUNCH! That made Fowler and Dawkins stop. Everyone turned around and can found Goody about fifty yards behind the rest of the team.
   "Is there a problem, Constable Goody?" asked Fowler.
   "No, sir," replied Goody.
   "Then why are you going so slowly?"
   "My feet are aching and I can't go much faster."
   "Well, your crisps don't seem to be doing you much good either," said Fowler.
   "I don't have any crisps, sir," said Goody. "They're Pringles."
   "Goody, step forward!" ordered Fowler.
   Goody approached Fowler as quickly as he could.
   "Hand over the tubs," went on Fowler.
   Goody took out the green tub of his pockets, followed by the blue one and finally the red one which was heavier than the last two.
   "Why is this one unopened, Goody?" asked Fowler.
   "When I was at the tourist information," explained Goody, "the prices for them was buy one, get one free."
   "That's for two, Goody," Fowler told him. "Why did you get a third one?"
   "I thought I had difficulty understanding when the lady was trying to explain to me about the ‘buying one and getting one free’ rule," said Goody.
   "Because you have the most energy from these Pringles, you are going to lead us for the next half mile and make sure it's a good pace," Fowler told him, throwing the tubs away. "Now, get moving."
   Goody starting walking and everyone followed him.
   CRUNCH! Everyone stopped again and turned around to see Kray with the red Pringles tub.
   "Kray, what are you doing?" demanded Grim.
   "Want not, waste not, I say, sir," smiled Kray. "Want one?"
   "Don't mind if I do," said Grim as he took one.

About half an hour later, they approached an old house that dates back to Richard IV's days. Bough and Campbell were scanning the house with their scanners.
   "Anything, Bough, Miss Campbell?" asked English.
   "No, sir," replied Bough.
   "No, Johnny," replied Campbell.
   "Right, in that case, it's a go, go, go!" ordered Grim. He and his officers barged the door down and searched the place.
   Grim was frustrated when they came out. "Nothing!" he snapped. "Absolutely, definitely, entirely, surely, 'wirely' – "
   "Are you finished?" asked Folwer.
   "Nothing!" finished Grim.
   Then the leaves of the trees were rustling wilder than normal.
   "Everyone, arm your weapons!" ordered Bough. Campbell, Tucker and all the Police Officers with guns aimed their weapons.
   Fowler approached Bough. "Excuse me, Mr. Bough. Who do you think you are to order my – "
   "Shut up, Fowler!" snapped Grim. "We're trying to focus our aiming."
   "It's 'focus on our aiming'," Fowler corrected him. "Not 'focus our – '."
   "Shut up!"
   The winds were rustling more and more and –
   "Whoa!" cried a voice as someone fell down from the biggest tree. He hit a few branches and landed to the ground.
   Everyone ran into the forest.

The whole team was together as they searched approached the tree.
   "Oh, look!" cried Goody. "Someone's been making mud angels." 
   Fowler frowned at him. Then he and everyone gathered around the 'mud angel'.
   "Maybe it's that guy who fell down from the tree," suggested Habib.
   "It was," groaned a voice.
   They all turned around to see English coming out of the bushes, looking bruised and hurt.
   "What happened, Johnny?" asked Campbell.
   "I climbed up that tree because I thought I saw some witch activity," replied English, "but when I got there, it was just this stupid parrot who – "
   "I am not a parrot!" snapped Zazu, as he landed on the lowest branch on the nearest tree. "I am a hornbill."
   "How much does the horn cost?" asked Boyle. He, Kray and Goody laughed.
   "What are you doing out of the zoo?" asked Dawkins.
   "What zoo?" snapped Zazu. "I am here to find my king."
   "King of the dodos?" asked Fowler.
   "King Simba of the Pride Lands!"
   "Another link to the missing crown jewels story," said Fowler.
   "Except, in Africa, it's not some little jewellery," said Goody.
   "What?" snapped Fowler.
   "What he meant, sir, is that they're taking the real kings as well," said Habib.
   "Attention, all units," said Fowler's radio. "All the animals at Twycross Zoo have escaped and roaming free around the city."
   "Sorry, Mr. English," said Fowler. "You and your team are on your own. My officers and I have to help them."
   "I think we'll manage," said English, as he stepped over the branch and fell down into a muddy puddle.
   "Yes, I'm sure you will," scoffed Fowler.
   "Raymond, me and my team are going with them," said Grim.
   "Well, if you're sure, Derek," said Fowler. Then he turned around and produced a gleeful smile.
   "I'd like to go, too, sir," said Goody, as he ran to join them, but Fowler held him back.
   "You're not going anywhere without me watching you," said Fowler. Then he turned to his uniform officers. "As are all my officers!"
   "Girls, I think we should join English," said Fred.
   "You're right, Fred," agreed Velma. "I'll go."
   "But what about us?" asked Daphne.
   "You can join us catching rats in the zoo," muttered Dawkins.
   "Ew!" moaned Daphne.
   "In that case," said Zazu, "I'm going with English." He turned to face Timon and Pumbaa. "You two make sure Simba's not at the zoo." With that, he flew to English's team.
   "I'm sure he will be," muttered Timon.
   "Is that sarcasm, Timon?" asked Pumbaa.
   "No, it's either that place or the cave with bugs for him to eat," said Timon.
   "Oh, why didn't I think of that?" asked Pumbaa.
   Timon sighed. "Oh, boy."

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