Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.


7. Fannying About in Zoos

"Where are the zoo keepers when you need them?" snapped Fowler, as he ran after the running ostriches. Unfortunately, he tripped over a banana skin and banged on his head on the monkey's cage. The monkeys who were still trapped in the cage laughed their heads off at him.
   Fowler groaned as he took his hat off and rubbed his head. He grabbed his radio.
   "Sergeant, tell me you caught something," he said.
   "I have, Raymond," said Dawkins' voice. "A bee… sting!"
   "What about Habib?" Fowler asked.
   "She just caught a ball from the dolphins," replied Dawkins.
   "Right, carry on," sighed Fowler.
   "Sir! Sir!" called Gladstone's voice on his radio.
   "Go ahead, Gladstone," said Fowler.
   "I found something, sir."
   "Oh, what?"
   "Some red blood," replied Gladstone.
   "On what?" asked Fowler.
   "A pair of woman's underwear."
   Fowler gasped.
   "No, wait, it's not blood," went on Gladstone. "It's tomato ketchup. Sorry sir."
   Fowler sighed and turned his radio off. Then he heard some muffled mumbling. He got up and saw white trousers sticking out.
   "Hold on, sir," said Fowler, as he grabbed the man's legs. "Right, ready? Three, two, one…"
   Fowler tried to yank the man out of the bin, but the upper body was still stuck. The Inspector kept on pulling him out, like a dog trying to pull a pull toy with his owner. Then successfully, the trapped man, who was wearing a white jacket and a yellow shirt, shot up and landed on Fowler.
   "Oh, thank goodness," the man said in an Italian accent. "Thank you."
   "Who are you, sir?" asked Fowler.
   "I am Enrico Pollini," replied the man.
   "And what were you doing in the bins?"
   "I don't know," replied Enrico. "Too lovely ladies were showing me around the park and then I was – "
   Glass-breaking could be heard coming from the café.
   "Come with me, Mr. Pollini," said Fowler. "And try to keep up."
   "Try to keep up," repeated Enrico. "No problem."
   But Enrico was catching up to Fowler as if a mouse was chasing a cat.

Fowler was shocked when he arrived. He saw three hyenas eating the food behind the cantina, but that wasn't shocking him. It was Goody just sitting there watching the savages eat.
   "Goody, what in thundering trumpets are you doing by just sitting there and not doing anything?" Fowler snapped.
   "'Not doing anything'? Why, sir, I happen to be watching these savages while you guys get the cages and everything ready," protested Goody.
   "By feeding them?" asked Fowler.
   "Human beings, I can handle no problem," said Goody. "But these are hyenas."
   "Still hungry hyenas," added Banzai the hyena, as he and the other hyenas turned around to face them. The laughing creatures were getting closer and closer.
   "Man, they sure look good to eat," said Banzai.
   Edd agreed with him.
   "Hey, save me the legs," insisted Shenzi. "You guys can have the rest."
   "You mean, my nuts?" asked a frightened Goody, who stood behind a not-as-nervous Fowler.
   "Goody!" snapped Fowler.
   "No, I meant my bag of KP salted peanuts," explained Goody, as he got the bag out of his pocket. He held it out.
   The hyenas were still getting closer and closer.
   "Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Fowler again. "Just give it to them."
   "This is hardly the time to think about Queen, I think, sir," said Goody.
   "How dare you – Never mind!" yelled Fowler. "That's not even the point. Just throw the bag and give it to them so we can escape. But when we do get out of this place alive, I'll have to charge you for insulting the Queen."
   "Which queen?" Goody asked.
   "Throw it! Just throw it!"
   Goody threw the peanuts but it landed on Banzai's head. The mean hyena growled at Fowler, Goody and Enrico.
   "Run! Just run!" shouted Fowler and the three ran out.

The Policemen and Enrico ran as fast as they could to escape the hyenas, but the giggling creatures were busy catching up to the humans.
   "Keep breathing!" said Enrico. "Keep breathing!"
   They ran outside of the entrance and took a moment to catch their breath. But the hyenas caught up with them. They didn't wait a moment to charge for them, but they didn't lay a paw on them.
   The three boys saw two pretty blonde women wearing zoo staff uniforms wrestling the hyenas in a bag. With luck, they managed to tight the bag up.
   Fowler was impressed. "Well, Miss – And Miss – "
   "I'm Hallie," said one woman. "And this is my twin sister – "
   "Barry," said the other woman.
   "Well, both of you have done a good job," Fowler told them.
   "We bet you're thirsty after all that running," said Barry, getting on her water bottle.
   "Why, thank you," smiled Fowler, as he took it and took a little drink.
   Hallie gave Goody and Enrico a water bottle each.
   "Thank you," said Goody, as he drank his water.
   "Thank you," said Enrico, as he drank his.
   Goody felt so thirsty that he emptied the rest of his water onto his face.
   "Goody!" Fowler shouted again.
   "What have I done this time, sir?" asked Goody.
   "You have just wet the Queen's shirt," said Fowler.
   "Well, how can I serve the Queen if I don't look after myself, sir?" asked Goody.
   That was the last straw with Fowler. "That's it, Goody. I have had enough of your attitude. I am going to charge you for lack of respect to your superior officer and the Queen."
   Then Goody gasped and fell down to the ground. He appeared to be unconscious.
   "Don't think a fake faint will get you out of this, Goody," Fowler went on. "You're only 'poo-along-ing' the inevitable."
   "Ew! Inspector!" shouted Hallie and Barry.
   "What?" Then Fowler just realised what he had said. "No, what I meant was – 'Koo-john-ing' – no, 'mow-along-ing' – Uh, 'chow-downing' – Oh, I give up." Then he fell down onto the ground.
   "It's not bedtime," yawned Enrico. "But I am getting weepy.' And he fell down too.
   Hallie and Barry laughed as they peeled something off their faces. Their beautiful hair wings were taken off, too. The bodies that each once had a pretty face now had a bald and ugly head on.
   They went over to the bag that they trapped the hyenas in and released them.
   "Well played, guys," smiled Hallie.
   "Thanks," said Banzai and Shenzi together. Edd thanked them, too.
   "But they're not the ones we were after," said Barry. "They don't have the artefacts. We need to find them if we want to take over the world and you guys to rule the Pride lands."
   "So what are we going to do about it?" asked Banzai.
   "We'll have to report to the Grand Witch," said Barry.
   "You guys put them on the ship back to Africa," said Hallie. "Along with the rest."

A very loud ship horn made Fowler jump. As he woke himself up more, he saw that he was trapped in a metal-walled environment. He found out that his arms were tied together with rope and so were his feed. And that he was not alone.
   He saw that all the prisoners were his police officers, Mystery Inc., English and his team, the Pride Rock animals, Enrico and Fowler's rival and his officers.
   "Ah, I see you've managed to make some progress, Derek," Fowler said to Grim.
   "Zip it, Fowler!" snapped Grim. "I'm in no mood for your fannying, nannying, moody, woody, ridiculous remarks!"
   "So what happened?" asked Fowler.
   "We were walking through the nearest town," said Daphne.
   "We met these women who said they saw some witch activity," said Velma.
   "And while we interviewed them," said Fred, "we were offered some drinks."
   "Tasty, but sleepy," added a yawning Kray.
   "The witches," sighed Fowler. "How are we going to get out of here?"
   "Bough, do you have any gadgets?" asked English.
   "Yes, sir, I do," said Bough. "I have a can opener."
   "Can you reach your pockets?" asked English.
   "I can, sir," replied Bough. "But that's not where the can opener is. It's in my underpants."
   "Ew!" moaned Daphne.
   "Try to wriggle them out," ordered Tucker.
   "It's not doing anything," said Bough, as he tried it. "Except scratching my – "
   "Great," interrupted Campbell. "That's gonna get us out of here."
   "I only hoped Scooby and Shaggy are okay," said Velma.
   "Yeah, I wonder where they are," pondered Fred.
   "Somewhere with lots of food would be my guess," said Daphne.
   "Don't mention food," said Timon. "It sets my stomach off."
   "Mine, too," said Pumbaa, before he let out a really big burp.
   "And your big, fat mouth, too!" snapped Timon.

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