Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots

When Simba goes missing from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc. among others to find him and solve the mystery in this tribute to my most favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.

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6. Elizabethan Shows and Georgian Turkeys

The time machine stopped.
   "Why have we stopped, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.
   "Because the machine decided to," replied Baldrick.
   "Machines can't choose when to stop, Baldrick," Blackadder told him. "Go and see what's wrong with it."
   Baldrick went to the levers, lifted off the hatch and looked inside.
   The stomachs of Scooby and Shaggy were still rumbling.
   "Man, like, I'm still starving," moaned Shaggy. "And thirsty!"
   "Re roo," said Scooby.
   "That's it!" exclaimed Baldrick, bumping his head on the levers. "The machine is thirsty, sir."
   "Machines don't drink, Baldrick," said Blackadder.
   "This one does," said Baldrick. "It drinks oil."
   "Then let's go and get some." Blackadder lowered the ramp and everyone went out.


"Man, like, where are we?" asked Shaggy.
   "Well, judging by the white walls and the echoing sounds," said Blackadder, "I'd say we are back at my basement."
   The place they were at did look like the basement from his old mansion.
   "You mean, Flashheart's mansion," said Baldrick.
   "Yes, whatever!" snapped Blackadder. "Let's just get the oil and – "
   "Halt!" ordered a voice.
   The time travellers looked ahead to see men pointing spikes at them.
   "Oh, no!" cried Baldrick. "It's the guards!"
   "Flashheart doesn't have any guards, Baldrick," Blackadder told him. "And whatever game he's playing, getting men to dress up like Tudor guards, he's really taken it too far."
   "Silence!" shouted a man.
   "Shout at me like that again and I'll – "
   The man whacked his pike on Blackadder's head. He fell down.
   "Be able to come now without making a sign," smiled the man. Then he turned to the rest. "I assume you guys will be able, too."
   The time travellers nodded.
   "Yes, sir," replied Baldrick, who got whacked on the head, too.


Soon the time travellers were all being escorted to a very big room.
   "These prisoners were in your private room, Ma'am," said the captain of the guard.
   When they looked up, they couldn't believe what they saw. They saw a man and an old woman and in the middle between them Queen Elizabeth I.
   "You mean, my bedroom?" asked the queen.
   "No, ma'am," replied the captain. "Your private room for where you keep your favourite things."
   "You mean, her first baby teeth?" asked the old lady. "Her old tonsils that's been out for thirty years? Her package of royal nappies?"
   "Shut up, Nursie!" snapped Queenie. Then she turned to the captain. "Leave us, Captain."
   The Captain and his guards left.
   "You have really taken this too far, Edmund," Queenie snapped at Blackadder.
   "What, ma'am?" Blackadder asked.
   "I know you hate Shakespeare," said Queenie, "but this – whatever you're doing – is not even entertaining."
   "What?"
   "You can't fool us, Blackadder," said the man.
   "Look, my head has been hit by a pike and I've lost my memory," Blackadder lied. "You know who you are, Ma'am, but your friends – "
   "This is Lord Melchett and this is Nursie," said Queenie.
   "Or you can call me by my real name: Bernard," said Nurise.
   "I assume you don't even know who your friends over there are," said Melchett.
   Blackadder pretended like he didn't know his fellow time travellers, while he tried to think of something. "Ah!" he cried. "They're my fellow actors for my show that I'm gonna compete against Shakespeare."
   "What's your show?" asked Queenie.
   "I don't know," said Blackadder.
   "In that case, I'll have five heads for breakfast tomorrow," said Queenie.
   "Man, that sounds delicious, Scoob!" cried Shaggy.
   "Rum rum!" cheered Scooby.
   "She means our heads, imbeciles!" whispered Blackadder.
   "Oh," moaned Scooby and Shaggy.
   Then Blackadder turned back to the Queen. "What I meant was, I do have one, but I don't wanna spoil it, otherwise you wouldn't enjoy it."
   "Well, you'd better hurry up, then," said Queenie. "Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing at the Globe Theatre is playing in half an hour. Make sure you and your actors are ready and really, really good."
   "Certainly, Ma'am," said Blackadder.
   He and the time travellers stood up, bowed and left the room.


Queenie, Melchett and Nursie sat in their seats at the Globe Theatre. Their seats were stand-alone, away from the all-taken chairs in the theatre.
   Much Ado About Nothing ended to thunderous applause.
   The actors took a bow and then Shakespeare joined them and bowed before the audience.
   "Very good," said Blackadder, walking on the stage. "But all of you are in for a special treat tonight. We have more acts than Shakey over here can shake a stick at. And here is our first act."
   Blackadder, Shakespeare and the Much Ado About Nothing actors left the stage. Then Shaggy, dressed as a woman, and Scooby, dressed as a doctor, arrived on stage.
   "Oh, Doctor, like, I'm in trouble," sang Shaggy.
   "Rell, roodness racious re," sang Scooby.
   And the goofy duo continued their version of Goodness Gracious Me. At the end, the audience gave them such applause.
   After they left the stage, Bean arrived on set with a brush. He was sweeping when something like a drum was heard. Then he swept around the chair that was in the middle, with different sounds in the background. Then Bean sat down and acted like that he was drumming, but, below the stage, Baldrick was actually doing all the drumming for him. But the audience loved Bean's performance and applauded to it. After he left the stage, Blackadder and Baldrick came on stage.
   "What are we gonna do for a sketch, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.
   "I don't know," said Baldrick. "Maybe we could do Harry Potter?"
   "Baldrick, everyone here in this time period thinks a story about a school for wizards and witches will be evil, let alone a bunch of crap," Blackadder told him.
   "What about Star Wars?" asked Baldrick.
   "Good idea, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "And we'll make their descendants think that every plane and helicopter is all U.F.O.s."
   "Jurassic Park?"
   "No one here has even heard of dinosaurs."
   "Frozen?"
   "Now you're just being ridiculous, Baldrick," said Blackadder, giving him a punch in the face. He was worried about not coming up with something good.
   "Edmund!"
   Blackadder turned around to see Queenie and two guards approaching him. He got on his knees.
   "Edmund, that was absolutely, positively, without a doubt..."
   Blackadder gulped, as sweat fell from his hair.
   "...the weirdest, funniest and best thing I have ever seen in my whole life," cheered Queenie.
She applauded and the whole audience applauded, too.
   "Now, is there anything you want, Edmund?" asked Queenie.
   "Well, ma'am, I would like six barrels of oil," replied Blackadder. "For my wooden box from your private room."


Soon the time travellers had all the six barrels of oil delivered to the room. Baldrick was pouring it into the time machine's oil slot.
   "Okay, Mr. B," he said later. "We're ready to go."
   "Good," said Blackadder. "Let's get off and find some more cheap witch-look objects."
   The time travellers got in and the machine started off. But it soon landed again and very quickly, too.
   "Where are we now?" moaned Blackadder, as everyone got out.
   The room they were at was made out of wooden and very snug.
   "Baldrick, if you've taken us to the Stone Age," Blackadder warned, "I'll kill you."
   Scooby was standing up on the door.
   "What is it, Scoob?" asked Shaggy, joining him. Shaggy sniffed. "Man, there's nothing except the smell of chicken, sausages and beef and – "
   Then Shaggy's eyes widen as he opened the door and went into a place that looked like a big old kitchen. The time travellers looked at the table piled with a lot of delicious looking food.
   "Like, what are we waiting for?" asked Shaggy. "Let's dig in!"
   He and Shaggy jumped up in mid-air and was about to land on the food, when –
   "I say, what's all this?" asked a voice.
   Scooby and Shaggy landed on the floor. The time-travellers looked up to see a man with white hair and wearing rich clothes.
   "Who are you, sir?" asked Blackadder.
   "I am the Prince Regent," said the man. "Prince George of England. And this is the royal kitchen. What are you scavengers doing here?"
   "We're not scavengers, Your Highness," said Blackadder. "I mean, we are hungry. But not for food. We are workaholics who want to work."
   "All right, then," said Prince George. "Put on a turkey, will you? It's tea time in thirty minutes." Then the Prince went off.
   "Right, then," said Blackadder. "You guys go on ahead and get some more wooden pieces to replace the levers. I'll stay and check the time machine."
   Baldrick, Scooby and Shaggy walked out of the kitchen.
   Bean spotted an already made cup of tea with two biscuits on the plate. He went to grab it, but his hand was smacked.
   "Don't be lazy," said Blackadder, taking the cup and biscuits. "Get to work on the turkey."
   Bean huffed as Blackadder went back to the time machine.


Bean put three handfuls of stuffing into the turkey, but he realized he didn't have his watch on his arm. He lost it in the turkey. He took the stuffing out again and got a lit candle to look in, but didn't do him any good at all. He sighed as he put his head much closer towards the turkey.
   The kitchen door opened and Scooby and Shaggy walked in, carrying pieces of wood.
   "Man, all this carrying has given me an appetite!" moaned Shaggy.
   "Re roo!" agreed Scooby.
   They picked up the plates and started piling up with fruit, vegetables, bread and cheese.
   "Hey, Bean," said Shaggy. "Are these meat cooked yet?"
   Then he and Scooby screamed their heads off as Bean stood up straight – with the turkey on his head.
   "Monster!" cried Shaggy.
   They dropped their plates and ran back out.
   "Hey, wait!" cried Bean. "Wait!"


Bean ran out onto the streets. He couldn't see where he was going and everyone screaming and running away from him in fear didn't help him at all.
   He put his hands out so he could at least feel if he was heading towards something. He did feel something. He moved his hands all over it and it felt very tall and metal.
   "Hey, that lamppost don't need a massage, mate," said a man who was walking his dog and passing Bean.
   Bean let go and moved on. For a while, he didn't feel anything, except his legs falling down some steps. He picked himself up and walked up the stairs again. He put his hands out again and felt something. It was soft and hairy.
   "Hey!" shouted a man. "What are you doing to my horse's bottom?"
   The horse neighed and kicked the turkey. As Bean fell down to the ground, the turkey flew off.


At Mrs. Miggins's coffee shop, everywhere was nice and quiet. Then the window broke into pieces as something threw in. Mrs. Miggins, the Georgian Blackadder and Baldrick gathered around the object that broke through the window.
   "What is it?" asked Mrs. Miggins.
   "Why, Mrs. M, it's a baby plucked griffin," said Blackadder.
   "Really?" asked Baldrick.
   "No, Baldrick, it's a turkey," snapped Blackadder. "And, by the look of it, it's the Prince Regent's. Why is it here, Baldrick?"
   "I don't know, Mr. B," said Baldrick. "I left it at the kitchen."
   "We'd better get back," said Blackadder. "If the Prince doesn't get his turkey, he'll have a fit."
   "Hmm, I always thought he wasn't ugly," said Baldrick.
   Blackadder slapped him on his head as they headed out of the shop.


Back in the street, Bean was just happy to have that turkey off his head. Then he felt something in his mouth. It was his watch! As he picked himself up, he felt something under his shoe. He picked up what was like a dream catcher, only it was triangle with black pieces on it. He put it on anyway and walked off.


The modern Blackadder came back into the kitchen.
   "Okay, time machine is working again," he said. He looked around and saw none of his fellow travellers in sight. But he heard whimpering coming from under the table. He got down and said, "Boo!"
   Out from the table, Scooby and Shaggy jumped and screamed.
   "If you want to be safe, just get in the time machine before something else happens," Blackadder told him.
   Scooby and Shaggy quickly ran into the time machine. Bean and the modern Baldrick came in the kitchen.
   "Where have you been?" asked Blackadder. "Helping the turkey go to the toilet? Get in the time machine."
   By the time Blackadder and Bean went into the room where the time machine was, Prince George came in and so did the Georgian Blackadder and Baldrick.
   "What time do you call this?" snapped Prince George.
   "It's half six, sir," said Blackadder.
   "Then why isn't my turkey ready yet?" asked Prince George.
   "Because we haven't even started yet, sir," answered Blackadder.
   "Then what have you, this spotted mole and those working volunteers been doing all this time?" demanded Prince George.
   "What?"
   "You can't fool me this time, Blackadder. I met you and your staff earlier today and asked you to put the turkey on and – "
   "Hold on, sir," interrupted Blackadder. "We've been out to Mrs. Miggins, so we have not been in this kitchen all day."
   "Does that mean – "
   "Yes, Baldrick," replied Blackadder.
   "That the Prince was seeing mirages in the kitchen?"
   Prince George glared at him, grabbing a pan. "Come here, Rat Face!"
   Baldrick gulped and ran around the table being chased by the Prince. Blackadder just sat on his chair and read the newspaper.
   After two hours, Blackadder had finished five newspapers and had eaten all the food off the table, while Prince George was still chasing Baldrick.
   "I need more days like this," smiled Blackadder.

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