Midnight Thinking*

A "diary" about whatever I think of at night. Not exactly midnight, but you get the point. It can just be what I might be thinking at the end of the day because if I stayed up 'til midnight to write this every night I'd be in danger of some major sleep deprivation. In truth, I just liked the title (which may or may not end up being a book title of mine). Anyway, these thoughts could end up being as short as a sentence or as long as a few pages. So, enjoy my ramblings.


4. A Noble Sacrifice



         Could you ever be too nice? Could you ever sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's? Is it really possible to be that selfless and be okay with it?

        I'm not sure anymore.

        Its different from being a doctor or in the army. You make sacrifices to people for a living. You sacrifice most of your life to the practice of medicine and to care for the needs of others. The thing is that the government has drawn the line of that for you. You're not allowed to cross the line of caring too much.

         But it's different between friends and family. There is hardly ever a line. You'd do anything for them, right? But, what about when their happiness interferer's with yours? How can you allow yourself to cry and let them laugh? At what point do you say: "But I want to be the happy one"?

         When are you allowed to? Isn't that selfish to do something like that?

         Aren't you supposed to put yourself in their shoes? What if they like the same guy as you and for them its true love? Wouldn't you be messing it up if you took him instead? What about that job interview you both got? Do you take it and push your friend aside for a position of power?

        But, what if you really liked that guy? What if you really wanted that job interview? What do you do then?

        Betray your friend or not let yourself be happy?

        It's hard to choose. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

        The thing is that I'm not that selfish. I'll feel guilty. It'll rot me to the core if I don't let the other person be happy. Even if they tell me to go for it, I won't. I'll take the pain for them. For me, there is no line.

         I have this friend, Kate (fake name), she so much better than me. She's a completely nice person. She's funny, smart, sweet, pretty, and she has good morals. But, the guy I like, likes her. Well, she likes him too. I feel like I have to let her have him. I always wonder if he's her soulmate or something dumb like that. I'll stress over it and cry about how messed up the situation is. But, in the end, I'll let her have him. In fact, I just texted her that she could. 

        It sucks and isn't right, I know, trust me. I wouldn't rather lose my friend over a guy though. Even if I really, really like him. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I made that sacrifice for her though because she's a good friend to me, even though she betrayed me by liking and going after him.

        I know he doesn't like me back, but that doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

        I feel uncomfortable around Kate now. I feel like at any moment I could just break down and cry. I think it's so sad and unfair that something like this would happen to me and my friend. I love my friends. They're all I have. I'd like to love that guy too, but they wouldn't give me the chance.

         I'm not going to say it's okay. But at least I can say that my conscience is clear.

        At least I can be happy about that.


        Sadness can sometimes be a choice.

                                   -- Ayame



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