You Will Never See This, But I Love You

I love you, Connie. But not in the way you think.


3. I.

Sometimes I think you do have feelings for me. Like when you mess about, I don't know if you're flirting-it seems like it-or just being a silly best friend.

I just don't know. You're like no friend I've ever had before. I'm much closer to you-and bear in mind I've only really known you a couple of months-than best friends I've known for years. I find myself being so much more outgoing when I'm around you. It's such a cliché, but when you're with me everything is brighter, louder. You make me happy, but when you leave I hate myself, for letting myself get so close to you, using the excuse of "best friends" to be around you.


And I desperately want to tell you. There are moments when I open my mouth, even start a sentence, but I catch myself, think about what will happen. She'll be disgusted, I realise. She'll hate me, she'll remember all the times we held hands, hugged, and she'll know that it wasn't "best friends". You'll lose her forever, and you won't be able to handle that.


Do you remember that one time when your friend texted me using your phone? 

"I'm bi."

"(me) Ok, that's fine."

"(her) And I have a crush on you"


For a moment then the pieces fitted together completely. I was so overwhelmed. Then I knew that it couldn't be. Stuff like that doesn't happen in real life. It doesn't happen to me.


And guess what? I was right. That day, I wouldn't speak to you. I avoided you.


I'm sorry.

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