Broken

A Raven Cycle AU. The rating is for the occasional swear and abuse. This is an alternate universe in which Ronan and Adam get together in the first Raven Cycle book.

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5. Intelligence v. Impulse

Ronan

I listened to my phone ring as I drank more. I lay in my bed, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Why did I get so close to Adam?

Why didn't he push me away sooner?

My phone stopped ringing, only to pick up again. It was probably Declan wanting to bitch or Gansey mothering over me. I didn't need either. I didn't want either.

Chainsaw was nuzzled silently against my side, fast asleep. She stirred and looked at me disapprovingly.

Aren't you going to answer that? her look asked. I tsked and took a long sip from my beer. I was on my fourth one, but it wasn't enough to drown the shame I felt for what I'd done to Adam.

I knew better than to go there. If his father was home, Adam could have been in big trouble, and he still might be. I didn't know much about his mom, but if she didn't have the cops hauling Robert Parrish away, she was just as low as he was, and I didn't trust her with Adam's safety.

I don't trust myself.

My phone stopped ringing again. I felt myself dozing off, and this time I let the sleep drag me down into a world that was my secret alone to bear.

My phone began to ring again, but it was too late. I was gone.

*

Gansey

I walked into Monmouth, and the first thing I noticed was the silence. We didn't have school today, so my only assumption was that Ronan was asleep or hadn't made it back. I looked at my mini Henrietta- a work in insomniatic progress.

Jane laughed.

I blinked.

The thought had slipped into the front of my mind before I had even realized it. Blue seemed to be doing that quite frequently. I recently found myself noticing things, and before I could stop it, I would be thinking of her.

The ley line-Jane's hair has started to grow. Is she going to cut it again or will she let it go? I bet she would be beautiful with long hair.

Glendower's magi-Jane has beautiful eyes. I could write poetry about those eyes.

Ronan is adding too- I wonder what Jane wears to bed?

That last thought is the main reason why the cops had chased us and why we had to make sure Adam didn't sleep at his house tonight.

I can't let this all drown out our search for Glendower.

That thought rang loud and clear, and I walked to my desk where my journal sat, waiting for me. I began to pour over my notes, hoping to see something that I had missed, or to finally have an answer to the hundreds of questions I wrote.

"Ronan did something..."

Noah could have shouted for how bad his sudden appearance startled me. He gave a breathy laugh.

"Ronan is always doing something," I commented after my heart-rate had slowed.

"He thinks it's bad," Noah grinned, and I raised a curious eyebrow. The look on Noah's face mixed with the fact that Ronan's moral meter barely hit three half the time intrigued me.

"What did he do?"

"It's not my secret to tell," Noah shook his head. I glared at him.

"Then why bring it up?"

"Because you should ask him and find out. Soon. I think he's drinking in his room...Again."

And then Noah simply walked into his room and shut the door.

"Lovely little chat," I mumbled. I looked at Ronan's door. If Ronan wanted to be self-destructive, I should let him...but I knew I couldn't let him hurt himself if I could help it. Not after what happened last time.

I closed my eyes, trying not to imagine one of my best friends covered in his own blood. I still couldn't believe Ronan would ever-

I was already trying the door before I even finished that thought. It wasn't locked, so I walked in.

Ronan's room was an organized mess. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew exactly where any of his things were, but to the un-Lynch mind, it looked like a hurricane had taken a pit stop in there. The room was dark and smelled like alcohol. I spotted Ronan asleep in his bed with his bird by him and a bottle in his hand. I sighed as I walked in.

I took the bottle out of his hand and noticed three others on the floor. I smiled. He'd moderated. Ronan stirred, as if knowing someone was in his room, but then he settled again, pulling his bird closer. I wondered what thing he did that he thought was bad. It couldn't be as bad as what we did earlier that morning, and Ronan definitely felt no guilt about that...

I stared at him as he slept. It was the closest I'd seen him to the old Ronan since his father was killed. He still looked sharp- even cracked- but he didn't look broken in his sleep. He didn't look lost.

"...m..." Ronan mumbled. I decided to leave, but just as I turned around, Ronan's phone began to ring. I picked it up to silence it when I noticed the number. It was Adam's home number. Before I could hit the answer button, it stopped ringing. If he was calling Ronan's phone, I had no right to know the reason. I left.

I wonder if Jane's favorite color is blue?

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