Thoughts and Broken Promises

I promised. I promised myself that I wouldn't... I promised myself I'd never.... || Accounts of my life. Updated randomly. Mostly thoughts. Or rants. Don't judge me, whatever I may say


2. Perfectionism Part One: How it Controls Me

In sixth grade, back when I was still "innocent" as one might say, I hardly understood self harm. Eating disorders were totally unknown to me, and I only had the faintest idea as to what cutting was.

However, I did make a promise.

I will never commit self harm.

Once seventh grade hit, and I think it was probably sometime in the winter when this started to happen, but I was stressed. Really stressed. I was overtired, overworked, and trying to manage hanging out with friends, hanging out with family, and relaxation. Once I got home, it was usually straight to homework, only taking a break for dinner. I hardly had any time to relax, and it was pushing me over the edge.

Perfectionism started to take over my life. Not so much with grades, although a B or a C would generally send me into tears, but I did that alone, in the privacy of my room. I do nearly all of my crying in my room. No, it wasn't grades that controlled my life, it was my family.

And I don't mean they were controlling. Both my parents are fair, and I have three siblings, who are as annoying and as loud as you would expect from younger siblings. I did this to myself. I took everything my parents said, whether it was a kind criticism, like if I forgot to empty the dishwasher, or their slight annoyance when I needed to print something out because I forgot it at school, and I took it to a whole new level. 

I felt I would never be good enough for my family, especially my mom. I felt that if I didn't measure up, if I didn't do enough, then... I don't know. I'm still not sure why I think this, as I'm still struggling with it today. But... nevertheless, my desire to do whatever I could to make up for my mistakes around my parents soon consumed me. I had to do well in everything to... gain their approval? I guess that might have been it. I had to do well in school. I had to be perfect at home. I had to do everything I could to not mess up, because, in my mind, they wouldn't love me if I messed up.

Yes. I think that's it. They wouldn't love me if I messed up.

Why I think this, I'm not sure, as I stated above. But, the perfectionism took over, and when I didn't do something right, I had to do something to remind myself not to do it again.

But at first, I didn't think of it as self harm.

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