Thoughts and Broken Promises

I promised. I promised myself that I wouldn't... I promised myself I'd never.... || Accounts of my life. Updated randomly. Mostly thoughts. Or rants. Don't judge me, whatever I may say

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5. 10/18/15

Sometimes, even in a room full of people I know, I feel so alone.

Today, at my church. I know nearly everyone there. But this doesn't stop me from having two breakdowns in the bathroom.

My friend, my closest friend at church, wasn't there today. He hasn't been there for a couple weeks, so it was getting harder and harder to hang out with others at my church. They all had their own inside jokes, their own groups, and I just felt clingy. 

I was quiet today. So, so quiet. I hardly spoke. Sure, I laughed sometimes, but mostly, I was quiet.

I didn't know what to do. There was only one other eighth grade girl at my church that day, as out church is small, but do I join the small Sunday school class, where I'll sit, quietly, surrounded by friends with their own private jokes? Or do I join the book reading, where I'm surrounded by a group of girls who make up the selective "popular" section of our church?

I joined the book reading. I hardly said anything, except when directed too.

My passive face was present pretty much the whole day. 

Later, stuff happened. My brother stole my book and I accidentally hurt him trying to get it back.

Okay, but it was one of my favorite books.

So, as I walk over to my mom, I'm stabbing myself with my pencil eraser. 

And as we fast forward to even later.

--..--

"You seemed pretty mad earlier." My mom said, referring to when I was stabbing myself with a pencil.

"I told you." I said, with the same straight face. "I was just... tapping out a beat. It helps me stop being angry." I lied.

My mom nodded, although she didn't seem convinced. "Do you ever harm yourself anywhere else?"

I shook my head. "No."

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