Sleep Talk

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if there was never a him. I'd probably be much happier. I'd probably still have my friends. I'd probably feel like something was missing.

Or rather, someone.

Love is strange. First of all, to love someone you don't have to have a desire to kiss them twenty-four-seven. And second of all, loving someone is when you care about them, and you would rather die than watch them get hurt. Well, maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea.

For a while I've been wondering if I should get my story out.

Because as much as I hate to admit it, I need to talk. And since I can't talk during the day, I'm going to talk at night. But not when I'm awake. Instead I'm going to sleep talk.

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2. "Two years ago today..."


Fear is a strange thing to feel.

Because it's unwanted, and is an invader to your thoughts and clouds your emotions. Like, when you're taking a quiz or a test and you didn't study. Your stomach tightens and you don't know how to answer or what to write or choose.

I think writing this is rather funny. I'm giving you a story but you don't know the characters, their names, or what they look like. You'll never know the actual words that were said, nor will you know the actions that were played out. The events that took place are gone, but only because I made it so. The only thing you do know is how I feel. Yet you still know the story in some sense.

I first started writing right when it began. We were still close, he and I. But on less friendly terms. I guess it was an outlet for me. Kinda like this book, a way for me to get my side of the story out without actually doing it.

You know how sometimes it can feel like your trapped in a whirlwind of emotions and chaos? And all that is on your mind is to escape, or run away. Stars are made that way. First a storm starts in space, and then a star is born. And as it lives on, it starts to shine brighter in the darkness, because it choose to. Not because it escaped, or ran away from what got it started. But because it choose to shine. One of my favorite quotes is, "If you're not lighting any candles, don't complain about being in the dark."-unknown. When people are in a situation, one where they think it's over, they usually don't realize that if they want to be happy they can. I realized this just a few weeks ago, laying in the dark in my room, thinking about the stars and how bright they shine.

People wake up all the time. Either from a short cat-nap, or a long restful sleep. And I feel bad for the ones who wake up from the long sleep. Because sometimes when they wake up, they want to go back to sleep. But forever this time. And when those who woke up from a short nap rise and see the sun, sometimes they think that the sun is too bright. And others, think that life is beautiful and wan to see if they can shine brighter than the sun, or any other star in space. They survived their own whirlwind of problems, and they shone so bright that when they fell asleep again, but properly, they got to join the sun and be one with the other bright stars.

I wish that I could be as bright as the sun. But when I am, I'm awake, in the world where I can't express my thoughts, or words into feelings, because there are others who will hear instead of see. So I guess for now I'm stuck with the moon. But that's okay. I like the moon. It may shine a little dimmer than the sun, but it shines nevertheless. In Greek mythology, the goddess Artemis is the lady of the hunt and mistress of the moon. She's bold and strong in her own way, just like how I am.

Because I may have my scars, to remind me of what he said, of what she did, and of what I had wanted, but I am still standing. Some people ask why they were given a tough life. I say that they were given that life because they were strong enough to live it. And who knows, maybe it's only temporary. Like a smudge on the window caused from pressing your forehead against it when you were too tired to slam the door, or maybe just didn't want to.

xxx

Two years ago today was when I first met him. I can't say how, or exactly when, but I do know that he used to live in the apartment next to us. In fact sometimes he still does.

He was one of those kids who sometimes was a little loose, but was good anyway. He was funny that year, and very smart. I haven't really talked to him in a while, so I don't really know him anymore I guess. That shouldn't scare me though.

I guess your thinking that he wants nothing to do with me. I think that too. But other times I think that he does, just, we both don't want a repeat. He blocked her, and she always is asking me to bug him for her. But I'm not doing that anymore. She thinks of him as a stupid, ignorant jerk. But really, I don't know. He just isn't like that to me. And he has a lot of good friends, so I doubt he's like that to them too.

We used to talk on the phone everyday after school. We would be on for hours, just talking about school and whatnot. I remember he used to sing Taylor Swift songs, and laugh when I couldn't do it with him. I'd always be reminding him to do his homework, or tease him about his crush. Sometimes I would practice my lines over the phone with him, and he'd tell me that the script was weird and so was I. But in a good way.

I remember one time when we were a little younger, and he said that when he grew up he wanted to change his name to something like Bob, because his current one was too kiddish. This makes me laugh now because we're almost thirteen, and that means he'd have to change his name to Bob to be more like a man.

But our friendship didn't last forever.

And that's okay.

Because at least I hope that he remembers, that two years ago today, I had walked into the classroom and saw him. And then decided to have him as my friend.

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