Depression Diary

The sick thing about depression is that there is a high chance that you'll encounter it at some point in your life. Whether you get it, someone you know gets it or someone you know pretends to get it for attention.

I have unfortunately encountered it in all of those ways.

This book is my diary of my experiences of depression and tips on how to deal with all things depression related.

I usually suck at writing diaries but I plan to continue with this one because I see it more as a help guide.
I hope it helps you in some way.

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2. My Story - Depression: The Early stages

Each person has a slightly different experience with depression. For some people something drastic happens and it messes with them mentally, giving them depression. For some people it comes on very slowly, gradually often with no obvious cause. For some people, it's something completely different. But quite a lot of the time it's like falling asleep, slowly, then all at once.

I'm sorry I had to do that.

When I first started feeling depressed I didn't know a lot about depression, in fact I knew very little. I thought it was this intense mental condition that caused people to be extremely upset and suicidal resulted in people being sent to the mental asylum. I thought the people who had it were mentally unstable and it was as rare, in normal, healthy people with stable and loving backgrounds (like me), as the plague. (Please forgive me, I was only 11).

Personally I think that when you don't know what it is, depression can be worse. Because you have no idea of what to do or what it is you'll try almost anything to make the pain away (however, from what I've heard, you'll do this even if you know that you've got depression). I was feeling hopeless, upset, worthless, despair and confused all at the same time. Thankfully I was too young to get involved with drugs and alcohol because it was impossible for me to get my hands on them, so I turned to something else. Something probably quite a lot of you have done and maybe are doing. I turned to self-harm. 

I knew what self-harm was so I knew exactly what to do. Go to bathroom, pick up razor, drag along wrist, repeat. Actually at first I didn't use a razor. I used a sharp kitchen knife. You know the the really sharp ones people use for slicing meat? Yea I used that. But I won't talk too much about self-harm at the mo, that's a whole other section that'll be in the book later.

I was in this awful phase for over a month, until I was called to the head of my years office. What had happened was my five best friends had noticed my change in mood and they had even caught a glimpse of the scars (which I had tried very hard to cover up). After a long and tearful conversation with my year deputy head (she was and still is my inspiration and one of the few things that stopped me from giving up) she suggested that I might possibly be depressed. I immediately thought that wasn't possible. Like I said earlier, I didn't think people with safe normal backgrounds could get it. I didn't tell the deputy head this but it was what I was thinking inside. Then she did the worst thing she could do.

She called my parents.

I'll talk about my parents in the next My Story update.

Let's just say my parents weren't very helpful. So later that night I googled depression.

Note: Never EVER resort to google about illnesses and disorders. Bad Move

After googling it I became very different. I stopped self harming (for now at least) and pretended to be fine. My viewpoint had changed from thinking that only lunatics had depression to anyone can get it but they are shunned, outcasts and shamed.

To this day no one knows I have depression apart from one amazing friend.

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