algebra ; hemmo

"he's the teacher's son."

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21. 21 - l368

all i did was yell. i didn't know how to feel. maybe paranoia, sadness, confusion. is love supposed to feel this way? am i supposed to go through these things? i hate it. i hate it so much. despite the fact that we were outside in front of my house, i didn't care who was staring. mostly people from inside their houses, because there was not a single person to be seen. luke was shirtless, but found a pair of jeans on the ground.

"i can't believe you went skinny-dipping, luke! that's- i-"

he kissed me, and for a second, just a second, i kissed back. i told myself it was wrong and jumped back.

"you can't think that kissing me will make anything feel better. jerk." i pushed him away. luke was too drunk to say anything, and maybe that was for the best. i heard a voice, ashton's, as he walked up to us.

all i know is that there was a lot of shouting, well, ashton shouting at luke, and me telling ashton to stop, and luke not doing anything. his breath smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. i hated him for it.

 

i started to walk out of the house and into my car to go to barnes and nobles, until i got stopped by ashton. his hair was all poufed up, as if he'd been crying and pulling on it. i stopped myself when i saw him, closed-smiling slightly. he didn't smile back, only a little.

"hey, ash. what's up?"

"um, hi.." he looked down, scratching the back of his neck. he always did that when he was nervous. "i was just- i mean, if you're busy i can come back-"

i shake my head, "no, it's fine. what do you need?"

"i just.." he sighed. "are you still seeing luke?" he bit his lip, this time looking into my eyes. i felt kind of pressured, and didn't know what to say. i thought he'd hurt either way.

i shrugged, "i don't know. why?"

"he's.."

ashton doesn't finish his sentence. i look at him, giving him a 'you-can-tell-me' look. he glances at my hands, as if he wants to hold them. he doesn't.

"he's bad for you, elody."

i grip my car keys, holding them tightly. "that's what my mom always says, i get enough of that from her. i'm alright, ashton. he won't hurt me."

"you don't know that," he replied immediately.

i didn't respond, and ashton continued. "you don't know whether he's going to hurt you or not, ellie, i... i lo-like, you. i understand how you feel about me, but you can't let him drag you down." this time, he did take my hand. once i had my reply, i moved it away.

"that's a risk i'm willing to take."

 

just my luck, luke was at barnes and noble, sitting down in the teen fiction section. he gave me an innocent, guilty smile, which i didn't return.

"will you sit with me?" he asked.

i shook my head no, but he refused. "just sit down."

i did, regretting every second of it. i shouldn't be doing this. "he's bad for you," ashton's voice boomed through my head. stand back up, elody. i couldn't.

"wanna continue our game from yesterday?"

i shrug, looking down at his hands. god, his perfect freaking hands. i wanted to hold them, and never let go. i knew it was wrong. i balled my hands into fists. it took everything inside of me to not take his. he smiled, biting his lip. crap. why does he always have to bite his lip? stop, luke. stop biting your lip.

he started, "want me to tell you what i wanted to earlier?"

i whisper, "that you love getting high.."

he took my hand this time, and it felt natural, and warm. he started to trace the lines on my palm, something he did that drove me crazy, but crazy in a good way. insane, but in a good way. i wondered if 'insane in a good way' is the right way to feel.

"i'm sorry. and that i regret every stupid thing i did that made you feel annoyed. because you mean the world to me. i find it hard to breathe without you. and i.." he wiped his eye with his hand and then looked into my eyes. i looked into his blue eyes, finally feeling right. "i love you."

 

elody & delilah's mom (i'm cringing while writing this tbh) 

i've had enough.

maybe i should go.

there's a gun in the bottom drawer of the kitchen.

i considered grabbing it, but took a bottle of pale blue pills instead, called l368.

i grabbed a handful and gulped it down.

it rushed through my body.

i dialed 911.

and then all i could see was black.

--a/n--

i feel very tumblr-grungy today.

((20k, i'm trying not to cry-))

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