Out Of Bounds

In all honesty, my sister and I had never been close

But one person was going to tear us further apart

His name is Luke Hemmings

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24. 24

It replays over and over in my mind. His mouth on mine. My hands on him. His lips moving down from my neck ...

"Carly, wake up. Come back to me"

No, I want to dream. I want to remember how it felt. The way he felt ...

"Come back to me Carly"

My eyes softly open and I focus on him sitting on the edge of the bed. He strokes my bare back and I frown when I see he's dressed

"What time is it?"

"It's seven thirty. We should go soon, we don't know what time Tom is getting back and I don't know what you wanted to do about your mom?"

I yawn and rub my eyes. My whole body aches and all I want to do is sleep. I wrap the duvet around me and sit up

"We should get back first, I told mom I was staying at Amy's and if Tom hears this he will know that I've been up to something. I hadn't thought of that"

Luke nods his head then leans forward and plays with a strand of my hair that's fallen out of the hair tie

"How are you feeling after last night?"

I bite the inside of my cheek and look down at his hand that is softly skimming against my collar bone

"Different. I know that sounds silly but it's true"

"It's not silly!"

"I know that it wasn't your first time, so I know you won't feel that way, but, I -"

"It was the best night of my life. I haven't hurt you have I?"

I shake my head and he grins. I'm glad my embarrassment is some kind of entertainment for him

"What time did you get up?" There we go, I will just change the subject

"About forty five minutes ago. I couldn't sleep"

"Why not?"

"No reason"

He shrugs and then stands up. Distant Luke is back within seconds, I can feel him pulling away. I hate it

"Do you want breakfast?"

"No, I'm alright. Unless you want to eat? If not give me twenty minutes and I'll be ready"

"I'm not hungry, I'll give you some space"

He leaves the room and I fall back onto the pillows. The euphoric state I was in has suddenly gone but I can still feel the touch of his fingers on my skin, the way he held me when I was falling to sleep. The way he looked when he was sleeping. That's a memory I will never forget. Because when he dreams he's free, and being free means that in that moment we are allowed to be together.

I get up and make the bed out of habit then go into the bathroom to get changed. I have a quick shower and then put on the clothes I had packed. Skinny jeans, a plain white tee, my adidas jacket and pink converse will do for today. I put my hair in a side plait and then brush my teeth. I try and drag out the time because I don't want to leave but I know I have to. We have to return to reality but in all honesty I don't know what that reality holds.

The door knocks and I swill out my mouth

"I'm coming"

Luke opens the door and leans against the frame

"I'm going to collect the car, wait here. It might be best if we don't go together. I'll pull up out front"

"Ok"

He hesitates for a moment but then that look sweeps across his face, and again he's composed

"Ok"

He turns to leave but I move forward and gently hold his arm

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

He hasn't got any hair gel and his hair has softly fallen onto his face. I reach up and stroke the front and then step back

"I like your hair like that. It suits you"

He bites his lip ring and pushes his hands in his pockets. I think he does that so he can't touch me

"Thanks. I better go and get the car"

I smile at him the best I can and watch him leave. There's a thousand words that I want to say but not one of them leaves my mouth

The car journey is silent and I hate it. I want us to talk the way we did last night. So openly, but sometimes what you wish for you don't get, that's why I'm sat in the car with someone who isn't even acknowledging my existence.

Fortunately the car has blue tooth so I connect my iPhone and put on the playlist I've made. My chemical romance comes on and I look at Luke and smile but he's focused on the road, consumed in his own thoughts.

I flick through my phone and find birdy, wings. I love this song so I turn up the volume and wind down my window. It's going to be a beautiful day and the sun is already making its way through the clouds. I put my hand out of the window and I close my eyes as I lean back. I could be anywhere, I could be going anywhere, but right now? I'm right where I want to be, I'm with him. No matter where his thoughts have taken him, Luke is sitting next to me and maybe this is the closest we will ever be, but it's all I need.

The car swerves and then comes to a stand still pulling me out of my day dream. I open my eyes panicked and sit up quickly

"Luke?"

He gets out of the car without answering and I quickly undo my seatbelt with shaking fingers. I fumble about but when I'm finally out of the restraints I open the door and walk around to where he's pacing

"Luke! What is going on in your head? I can't take this this anymore!"

He stops and turns to face me, he shakes his head and I know what's coming ... The end

"Carly, don't you see? We don't get that happily ever after! It's not our story, and last night I went against everything I ever said to you! I said I wouldn't cross that line -"

"That wasn't your call to make! There's two of us in this. And I wanted it because I wanted you! I want you! And nothing you say can change what happened so try and erase it all because I'm telling you now, I won't forget! You might think this went too far but guess what? It went too far the night I fell for you, not the night I let you into bed with me!"

"We took it too far. What I've done -"

"What we did! Why are you ruining this?"

"Because I'm ruining you! You aren't blinded that much by us to see that! I know you aren't!"

I stop the tears. No more tears Carly. Not today. I pull the sleeves over my now cold hands and step back

"If I wasn't good, or good enough for you -"

"Just stop! It's not about that! Didn't you hear me when I said it was the best night of my life? Because it was! It is! But think for a second what we have done!"

"I know exactly what we have done but I wanted to risk it all because I love -"

"Don't!" He steps forward and his hand reaches out to touch me but he recoils, like touching me would break his very foundation "don't say it. Please. I'm begging you"

I look up at the sky and take a deep breath, pushing my emotions back to where they should be. When I know I will be able to talk without emotionally crumbling in front of him, I look at the man that I thought I knew

"You could have got out of this car and asked me anything, you could have asked me to leave with you, to disappear to anywhere but instead you've asked me to not love you. And that says everything I need to hear. Please take me home"

I'm done, sometimes you can put up the greatest of fights but when it isn't an argument, when it's a war, someone will always lose

"Carly -"

"No more words Luke. You wanted an answer to this situation and I've just given you one. I've made up your mind for you. Choose her, actually please do. Because I'm out. I decide this. Not you"

"Carly I'm scared, I don't what is going to happen -"

"This is what will happen, you will live your life and I will live mine" I hold onto the bonnet of the car like it is going to stop me from falling but truth be told, I've already fallen. There's Just no one here to catch me "I told you I would let you go, you knew that. I just didn't realise that today would be the day. Why have you forced me to let you go? Can't you just hold me? To tell me we can make it through this? Please? Give me any shred of hope and I'll take it. Please don't make me beg for you"

He moves forward but then looks at the ground. The war has been won, and I have lost

"I can't"

We sit in the car and for the next hour and a half silence takes over the both of us. I'm sure there's so much we both want to say, but for today there's no words because sometimes words just aren't enough. I thought he would have fought for us, for what we had, and I can't fight this by myself. I don't have the strength in me anymore

When I got out of the car I said goodbye, goodbye for today. Goodbye for always? I don't want to even think that this is the end. I watch him pull into his drive way and once he's inside his house I finally find the courage to walk into mine. I find mom in the kitchen and when she sees me she takes off her reading glasses and puts them on the table and then folds her newspaper

"Hey baby, I wasn't expecting you home yet?"

"Mom I have something to tell you"

She pushes her chair back and I can see the concern on her face

"What is it sweetie? Oh Carly, what's wrong?" She walks towards me and for this first time in a long time, I really need a hug off her

"Mom I have something to tell you"

She holds my arms gently and nods her head

"Ok, you can tell me anything. Carly what is it? Nothing can be that bad surely?"

"Mom I -" don't back out now, you can do this "I didn't stay at Amy's"

"Oh? well where were you?"

I swallow nervously and when I look at her, I know I would rather tell a lie then live with the guilt of destroying her world

"I went to her house but she wasn't in, so I went to a party with some friends I made a few weeks ago. I'm sorry I lied to you"

Mom smiles kindly at me and the mental pain of all of this is taking me close to the edge of breaking down

"You know honey, I was eighteen once, and I was actually very rebellious. Ask your father. It's ok, I'm not angry, but all I ask in future is that you let me know where you are, if anything would gave happened to you I wouldn't know who to call. Do you see what I'm saying? Just be honest with me, I want you to have fun here, I'm not an ogre"

She hugs me tightly and it's like she is the key to the flood gates because now I start to cry, and this time I really do feel like I won't ever stop. Mom tries to talk to me but I can't get any words out so she takes me to my room and as I crawl into bed it feels as though my body is responding to the pain. My heart is breaking

"Carly, did something happen at the party? Where was it? What house? Carly! I'm calling you father!"

"N-no. Mom ... Please" I hold onto her arm and she sits back down on the bed and holds me

"Carly what is it? Baby, don't cry. I feel so hopeless"

"He doesn't want me, I thought he did. Mom, make this pain stop. Please"

"Who? Who doesn't want you?"

I carry on crying but somehow the warmth of her holding me soothes some of the ache he has left behind, I feel like a small child but I don't care. I need her and she's here

"Carly who is it?"

"Please don't ask me mom, because I don't know what to tell you"

She tenses for a moment but then puts her arms around me. She kisses the top of my head and I wrap my arms tighter around her

"What's up my favourite peeps? Oh, C you ok?"

Jodie stands by the door and I wipe my eyes with my sleeve

"Your sister isn't feeling well. Really bad stomach ache"

Mom lies for me, and I don't know if it's because she knows who I'm talking about or because she is saving me from the humiliation of Jodie's taunting

"That sucks. Shall I get some pain killers? Is it cramps?"

"I'll be ok, thank you Jodie"

"Cool, well I'm going to bed because I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk and I didn't stop dancing until -" she looks at her watch and squints her eyes "huh, I think it's broke, I can't even tell the damn time" she shrugs whilst laughing and then goes to her room

"Come on now sweetie, stop these tears. You know, you're only eighteen. Enjoy your teen years, they are meant to be lived and if a boy doesn't want you, then forget him. Because any boy that can't see how special you are is an absolute fool. Sometimes we fall for the wrong person, but the thing about falling, is that it gives us the opportunity to get up again. And you will be ok Carly, maybe not today, not even tomorrow but you will be ok baby. I promise you that"

"Do you really promise mom?"

"I absolutely do"

She stays with me until I fall to sleep, but these dreams aren't welcomed because in the darkness I see him, and it's just a mocking reminder that in my dreams, he's haunting me

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