Alive? Or Just Breathing?

For a while, Scarlett has been depressed. It started in Year 7 when Claire, her ever-changing boyfriends and her followers started bullying her. Scarlett has know for a while it is bullying, but doesn't know what to do about it. Can Drama and the new teacher, Miss Talbott help?

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9. Chapter Nine

29/11/2016 - Woah, bet you forgot I existed! It's been forever and ever since I wrote in here. The last time was pretty much the start of school again. Okay, I am typing into a memo on an electronic device, trying to ask it if it has forgotten about me. Don't be so effing stupid Scarlett. Dear God, I won't even swear. What is the point in me, seriously? I take up room on this earth, pointlessly trampling through, acting as a plaything for some people for a bit, before they forget about me and I go on miserably wandering through life, using up resources of the world to carry on inside my selfish little head, thinking only about myself, and never about the people who are worse off than me, or wish they had my life. Imagine if my parents beat my every night, or I didn't get food, or I had lost all my family, or I had nowhere to live? Imagine what I'd be like if I actually had a reason to complain? Maybe it's better that I am as well of as I am, with loving parents, a warm bed and plentiful food. I can hide myself away, put on a front for other people, and despise myself in peace. Imagine if I actually had pity from others, what that'd be like. I can at least attempt to leave the smallest mark possible on the earth in my situation.

What am I talking about? I am talking complete rubbish! I make no sense! Help me, what can I do to make myself GO AWAY? I can never have peace because I am always in a constant fight with myself. I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF...

 

At that point I threw my phone down onto my coat. There was no point. I was writing the same thing over and over, making no sense, rambling into a memo note already full of anger and hate towards myself. Right. I needed to calm down. I was hiding in the toilets again, and class would start soon. It had been just over two months since I last documented any of my life, in either diary. It was now almost December. We were starting our Christmas pantomimes this week, which we have to do to show to the Year 7 and 8s on the last day of term. I was not looking forward to it. I just desperately hoped I was not in the same group as Claire.

 

I dragged myself out of the toilets, and walked off to French, my first lesson, which contained Claire. Of course, I was teacher's pet, and always had to be one of the first ones there - which wasn't exactly hard, it's not like I had any friends or anything I could talk to. I groaned as I came to terms with the fact that all of my first three lesson contained Claire, at that one of them was Drama, where we would be deciding our groups. I sincerely hoped I would not be with the people I was with last time - why would they have chosen to do Drama for GCSE? None of them wanted to be there. Maybe they just thought it would be a good lesson to mess around in. On the other hand, however, I would honestly rather be told I had to do a pantomime with a slug than have to be in Claire's group. That would be a nightmare.

 

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I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I walked down the very same corridor where I had found Miss Talbot's phone over two months ago. She hadn't said anything to me. And I still hadn't sent that text. Anyway, now was not the time to be thinking about that. Break was about to end, and I was on my way to the Drama department where we would be put into groups for the pantomimes. We didn't get to choose: they would be chosen for us. My stomach turned over as I heard the bell go, but I couldn't will my legs to go any faster. I saw people coming out of the other entrance from the main atrium/canteen area, and tried to will myself to move at a more rapid speed. Suddenly, my goody-two-shoes instinct kicked in, and I began to rush through the cold across the tarmacked ground to get to Drama before I was classed as 'late'. Why was I so nervous? Had I been reduced to being scared to go to my favourite subject? I keep avoiding the truth: yes.

 

We all had to sit down on the floor, or by the wall, whilst Miss Talbot got a list on her phone that she had put together, which held the fate of my feelings for the next few weeks. Ugh, listen to me - I'm pathetic.

"Okay, so, there will be 3 groups, and you will each need to come up with a pantomime that is 15 minutes long or less, since there won't be enough time if they are any longer. I have chosen your groups, and there will be no negotiating." She stared pointedly at the boys sat on the radiator, once again. They hadn't noticed. "Boys! How many times do I need to tell you not to sit on radiators?" Only when everyone turned to look their way did they realise, and stopped their conversation. Miss Talbot coughed loudly, and they all slid off the radiators with stupid smirks on their faces. I sighed, which apparently was too loud, since Miss Talbot looked towards me, and I quickly tried to look away. Before I could, however, she caught my eye, and I could have sworn there was a glimmer as she looked at me. I looked away before I could confirm it, and quickly passed it off as either my imagination, or more pity acting. When I looked back, she was about to read out the first group. I wasn't in the first group. Neither was Claire. Two of the people out of my old group were though, Charley and Alex, as well as Jack Givens - who scowled when he realised he wasn't in the same group as Claire. For once I actually agreed with Claire, who I saw roll her eyes from across the classroom. "In the next group we have: Jessica, Phil, Jessie, George, Andrea, Sarah, Alison and Claire." I slowly processed the information. Claire's name was in that group. Mine wasn't. I wasn't in her group! I really, really wasn't! I was in the same group as her current boyfriend and her best friend, Megan, whose faces were growing red with fury as they realised they weren't in the same group as their leader. That was fine. I could cope with them. They were never as bad without Claire. I could still barely believe it! I had been so sure that fate would have put me in the same group as her, just to torture and depress me some more. I was almost smiling.

 

Wait. Miss Talbot had just read out the last group of names. I heard Megan's name, and the name of the boyfriend, as well as some other people I vaguely knew. But I hadn't heard my name. Had I? Was I just so busy celebrating in my head that I hadn't heard my name? But I'd have to check, right? What if I was wrong and went over to that group when I wasn't meant to be in it? No, I'd have to check. Okay. Okay, breathe, Scarlet. This is ridiculous. Everyone had got up and begun getting into their groups, some complaining loudly, so I stood up and walked to the front.

"Um, Miss, I don't think you read my name out...?" I ended with a questioning voice. I swallowed when she looked at her phone.

"Oh, Scarlet, didn't I? How silly of me - this is what happens when you finish rehearsals at 10pm, and then have marking to do!" She did drama outside of teaching too? Well, of course she did, she was a young woman who was amazing at drama. She was still acting as if she liked me. Okay, this was definitely a tangent; which group was I going to be put in? "Let me see... Oh yes you're in the second group, with Claire, Jessica, Phil and all that lot." I felt winded. Of all the groups. I had a 2 in 3 chance of being in any group other than that one. Why did fate have to put me in the third I desperately didn't want to be in? I realised Miss Talbot was speaking again. "Scarlet? I said is that alright?" I nodded and stuck a smile on my face to cover up the sick feeling I had inside once again. She nodded and I turned away, holding back the tears, not ready to walk towards my next few weeks of hell.

 

Ha. Turns out being bullied is a great way to build up your ability to act happy. Maybe I'm not as bad as Claire says I am. I laughed mirthlessly in my head, using my own unhappiness to harden the shell I had to keep up around me. I squared my shoulders and walked over, but by the time I had reached the group, and Claire had seen me, and my shoulders had lowered into the hunched shield once again. Look at me. I was pathetic. No tears were falling now. I had no more left to cry. At least for now.

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