My Side of the Tapestry

A collection of my thoughts, feelings and what it's like to be me. ~Warning: Extremely depressing~

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4. 4/9/2015

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, cause

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

 

I've listened to this most of the day, thinking how true those words are for me. I try to write, I try to draw but the blank page stares back at me, as blank as your face. I watched as my newly repaired heart started to break and the tears flooded my face. I finally pulled myself together, knowing my sadness has no impact on your happiness. I'll smile and tell you I'm fine until one day it's the truth. Maybe I'll write a book about us, or a poem. There's much I could say, so much I probably shouldn't. 

I pushed aside everything as I stood up, feeling tall and in control as I decided enough was enough. I will be happy for you and I am going to be happy we happened. I will step forward today, my heart as cold as stone, unbreakable but I will be alive. I will no longer be held by sadness and bitterness. I will no longer be the green eyed monster I have become.

Or so I thought. We talked, it turned to flirting and before I knew it, you had pulled me back down with your words, your actions. I was under your spell once again. But the spell broke when you tossed me aside. I realised I'd been used, again. I felt burning tears of self-hatred fill my eyes. How could I let you do this to me again? How could I let myself be taken in with words when they do nothing but cut me afterwards? You use words like a double edged blade, soft and sweet to drag me in, sharp and bitter to cut me lose. There's only so many words a girl can take before she breaks. I can't take many more from you. I know sleep will evade me, food will make me sick, my mind will scream at me, all because of your words. I can't take it anymore. 

 

[Song: Jealous - Labyrinth]

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