My Side of the Tapestry

A collection of my thoughts, feelings and what it's like to be me. ~Warning: Extremely depressing~


14. 20/9/2015

Alright, so, I said yesterday about my meds. Well, as some of you know, early hours this morning I experienced a side effect. Hallucinations. I watched a wall move for at least five minutes before I realised what was happening. I made light of it but really, it scared me. If I was experiencing a rare side effect, that can't be good. What was the likelihood I would experience other side effects.

I found out, a high likelihood.

I had trouble falling asleep but I found it relatively easy to get up this morning; I am not a morning person, I am the kind of person who can complete seven different, quite difficult (for first thing in the morning) puzzles to turn off an alarm without even being completely conscious.

I gave my daughter her cough syrup before dealing with my own cocktail of medicine; cough mixture, paracetamol and antidepressants. It's not the first time I've had all three at once. Within an hour, I experienced the strangest and scariest side effect I have ever had. I barely felt in control of my own body or mind. That's when the thoughts started. The horrible, demeaning, harsh thoughts. Ones I hadn't had to deal with for years. Before I had time to think, I had emptied half the medicine cupboard and started removing blister packs of tablets from their boxes.

It was then that my mind sorted itself out. I saw the tablets and panicked. I don't know why, maybe the instinct to survive finally kicked in. 

I managed to put the tablets away but that didn't stop the side effects. Two more times I went back but those times I didn't take the boxes out. I just felt like I had to check they were still there.

I have never been so scared, so out of control. I've attempted before, but I was in control, I knew what I was doing.

But this.

This is the definition of living a horror story.

This is scary.

This is real.


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