Our relationship. It wasn't sonnet inspiring, the story of it won't make thousands want to listen. But it was complicated and it was special to us. It was certainly more than I bargained for from just seeing a boy with a football helmet across the room.


59. Fifty nine

It actually just gets more difficult when we're back home. On the outside it would seem like we're hanging out just normally in his room, having fun as always, but you know, it's in his room. The only thing different now we're back home is that he almost seems to be pushing us getting together. Like he'll always hug me goodbye and there's something kind of expectant about it, or he'll sit really close when we're watching TV, or he'll just talk in this voice. I know that sounds stupid but there's this voice he uses, this soft, low voice, and he only uses it when we're actually together and not just friends but he keeps using it and it's doing my head in because that voice always gets me. 

We're watching a movie one night in his room and we're laughing at one of the scenes when he rests his hand on my leg which would have been completely normal but isn't now. But he doesn't even apologise or look at me this time and it's so obvious what he's doing but I kind of don't mind at this point. It's actually the first time I've felt completely comfortable around him in a long time even though I feel like it should be the opposite. This just makes things feel like they used to and there are alarm bells in my mind telling me to stop it but that's easier said than done. 

"This is actually my favourite film." he says, still laughing a little and he's using the voice and I know I'm practically hopeless at this point.

"It's mine too."

He turns his head and looks at me, a little smile on his face. I smile back at him and he tilts his head, leaning in and right up until he's a second away from me I'm sure I'm going to stop it but then he's there and I can't resist. He kisses me, pulling me onto his lap and I kiss him back. Could it really be that bad to just get back together with him? Maybe I'd get some I told you so's from my friends but it'd be worth it. I love this boy, why should I disregard that just in case something goes wrong? 

But then, just randomly, that imagine of him and Leigha just pops into my head and I pull away, looking down. I don't know why that just came back to me, they're both my friends now, but I feel that same kind of worthlessness I felt when I first saw it happen. 

"What's wrong?" Harry murmurs, resting his forehead on mine.

I hesitate. "Do you love me?"

He laughs. "I don't even need to answer that." he kisses me again but I push him away.

"You do." I look at him and he rolls his eyes but smiles. 

"Yes I love you. Why do you think I've been coming on so strong the past few weeks?" 

He tries to kiss me again and I sigh, climbing off him and sitting opposite him. "Because you're attracted to me."

He smiles a confused smile. "Yes."

"But that doesn't mean you love me."

"But I do love you." 

"Yeah, but that's what I'm asking you."

"And that's what I just answered."

I sigh, exasperated. "But I'm asking you if you're sure."

"I'm sure." he insists. 

"But do you love..." I sigh. "Do you love Leigha more?" 

He groans, laying down and putting his arm over his eyes. "Alice."

"What? It's a valid question."

"It's not a valid question at all. I love Leigha as the mother of my child, of course I'm always going to care for her, but I love you, I'm in love with you."

"But I saw the way you looked at her." I shrug, kind of embarrassed. "You know, when I walked in."

"Oh my god." he sits up and smiles at me like I'm being stupid. "Alice, to be blunt, I was having sex with her. Of course it looked like I was in love with her. How long are we going to keep this Leigha debate going?" 

I finally see what he's saying and relax. "Okay, you're right."

He grins, pulling me towards him again. "Do you love Leigha more than you love me?" 

"Oh without a doubt." I joke and kiss him. I guess I completely went against everything that I've been working so hard for for the past few weeks, but I need to remember that not everything is in black and white and I'm not always right. Perhaps I'm not even right in being with him again but somehow it feels like it's the right thing.

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