The Hidden in Us

When humans are given life, they’re born with a particular dark place inside of them. It is not something you can prevent or postpone, it is meant to be inside every being. You cannot blame your mother nor your father for it; they’ve had their fair share already, just like their parents before them.

There’s a thin line between feeding and over feeding your darkness. If you’re not careful, that line could be crossed. But what if you never did act on your selfish desires? What if you never did anything wrong? What if you always did as you’re told? How would your darkness melt together with your soul? Where would that dark circle of emotion disappear to? How would it get outlet to your selfish thoughts? How would you make it shrink away? How would you keep it from taking over your mind - and body?

The answer is you wouldn’t. Because you can’t.

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2. Numb

Numb

Three days. Seventy-two hours. It had been seventy-two hours since he’d last felt something. Seventy-one hours and twenty-three minutes to be exact. It wasn’t the relief he’d expected. There wasn’t any weight lifted from his chest as much as it was as if his chest wasn’t there anymore. He’d been looking at the clock on the wall for the past twenty-three, no, twenty-four minutes and he didn’t feel anything. He watched as the seconds passed by leisurely. Numb. That’s what he felt.

The usual hurling thoughts had quieted down, but so had everything else. He knew he was supposed to feel something. Joy, loss, relief. Anything. As he tabbed his fingers in a slow rhythm on the table, he turned his head to the left. His phone lay untouched at the corner of the table and he knew it’d been vibrating an hour ago. And the hour before that too – there’d been at least one call per hour for the past twenty hours, except for a few hours during the nighttime. He’d asked to be alone for a day, maybe two, to see if he was still himself. He wasn’t. It was like the darkness had taking everything else with it when it disappeared.

He’d imagined it a lot differently. There had been a lot more joy in his mind. There should’ve been joy and happiness. There should’ve been happy tears with the love of his life. There should’ve been pats on the back from his brother. A hug and teary smiles from his sister-in-law. There should’ve been celebratory sex. Sex without stopping in the middle because his eyes would bleed to black the moment he let go. He should be allowed to let go now. It was okay to be whoever he wanted to be. Whoever Aiden saw him as.

He remembered their first meeting like it’d been yesterday.

It hadn’t been raining the entire evening, but the dark sky had let one know that it was coming. The pouring rain had a rather calming sound if you didn’t have to walk outside. He’d been walking in the downpour for about an hour when he’d seen the headlights spread his shadow further in front of him. He remembered how he’d thought it was a car, like all the others that had passed him. The car had driven by him, but just before the taillights had disappeared into the dark, the car had turned around – and it had stopped right next to him.

He remembered the exact first words that were spoken to him and how every single limp in his cold, drenched body turned white hot in an instant. He remembered how every cell in him buzzed with energy and he could still feel the stretch of the smirk, he’d quickly hidden in his sleeve; pretending to wipe water away from his face. The dark, oozy thoughts that had come to mind at the time still haunted him in his dreams.

When Elliot had imagined falling in love, it had been more of an adventure and less of a nightmare… 

 

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