REVIEWS (Works from Friday through to Sunday)

Want a review?
Look no further than here, my friend!
For more information, look at the guidelines, and general rules and regulations.

18Likes
41Comments
2708Views
AA

2. Hubris, by Narcy

This is a very intriguing movella, but there are a couple of things holding you back. The movella itself is clunky, and it needs to be pared down.

Showing, not telling is probably the most important rule when writing literature. Telling me, first chapter, about James' wife, and his depression, before I even get to meet him, is a big no-no. You have to be subtle- plot-dumping makes the reader feel like they're being lied to.

Also, in the first bit of dialogue that Victoria says, there's no real reason for Tobias to be surprised. One- A lot of people do become lawyers so as to bring justice to people. Law is a money-making business, but many lawyers don't do it for the money. Two- If it's bull, then Tobias has no real reason to be surprised. If I told you something incredibly untrue, would you be surprised?

 

The USA vernacular is different to the English vernacular, and I felt that you were using mostly English vernacular, and trying to Americanise it by using incredibly stereotyped terms, like "fine and dandy". "Fine and dandy" is not a popular term, at least not in New York. The dialogue is somewhat unrealistic.

Ah, Chapter Six... Here we go again with plot-dumping. You just can't spring all that information on a reader in one go.

"Sam wants his daughter back," is a statement. It is not a question, at all.

 

The gist of the movella seems brilliant, yet you seem to be holding back. 

 

Grammar: 7.5/10 (Using numbers, like "17" or so in fiction isn't seen as very professional.) Check the movella for a few typos, I definitely saw some.

Plot: 6/10. You have a very interesting situation to write about, but you're bogged down by dialogue, and little to no description. 

Overall: 7/10. Try to be more descriptive, and try to learn more about the US vernacular.

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...