Better Together ~ Shawn Mendes

Maybe that's the problem with everyone. We give up. To easily. But . . . that's just the thing, isn't it? Giving up is easy. It's easy to walk away. It's easy to not face the problem. It's easy to not fight. It's so damn easy.
And I have the same fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"shawn, I love you. And I know you love me. But this was never going to work and I'm sorry that this has to be this way. I love you and I hope you find a way to be happy some day; to find someone who can make you happy. But for now you need to be a father, and a boyfriend, to someone that isn't me." I choke out finally.

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11. why am I still here anyways

Bries pov*

There's a knock on my door and I just stare at it as it slowly creaks open. And there he is. He's here. He's here. He's here. God. He came back for me. I sit up as he walks over to my bed. I place my hand on his cheek, staring at his green, eyes. He's really here. He smiles at me and then he kisses me. Sweetly, softly, gently. I missed this. I missed him, so much. His lips spark against mine but soon he's pulling away and he's laughing. . . . . Why is he laughing? I stare up at him in confusion; although I can't say it doesn't spark some happiness to see him smile. Something I constantly worry he'll have trouble with. He turns away from me and then I see her. Jenna. He walks over to her, pushing her up against the wall, and kissing her more passionately then he's ever kissed me. I choke back a sob. How can this be happening? I close my eyes, holding my head in my hands, willing for it all to go away.

 

then I wake up. In a cold sweat, tears dripping down my face. It's the same dream, every night. For the past 5 months. I can't stop it, and I can't control it. It just happens and there's nothing I can do to make it any better. I miss him. It's undeniable. I can try to avoid it as much as I can, but I can't help but crave him. To have him back in my arms; every time he crosses my mind - almost every minute of the day. The worst part about this longing is that I don't know if he misses me too. It scares me to think that I never cross his mind; ever. I wonder if he even wants me back. If he would even consider it, if I came running. What we had was magic and I just want it back. I want to run to him and confess every single one of my feelings, good and bad. But I know all of this hoping is, well, hopeless, nothing will change. I don't believe he would care. What if he doesn't? What if he's already moved on? All of these what if's and I'm still just here. I'm just here to sit and to wait. To wait for this terrible, shredding pain to pass.

But what if it never does?

 

*shawns' POV*

 

"shawn, you have to come out of there!" Cam shouts through my locked door. "We have a meet and greet to go to!" he shouts. I stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes look sunken in, my cheekbones clearly prominent, my hair long and unwashed, my complexion pale, my lips cracking, bruises cover my arms from hitting things. I can't go anywhere. I think Cam thinks that I've been getting food at night, but the truth is, is that I only drink water and sometimes crackers when I feel like it. I haven't eaten more than that in 6 months. I haven't slept in about 5.

Sometimes I just try to forget her and to not cry. Because every tear is another reminder of how much I miss her. So I try to forget. But after about 30 seconds I realize that forgetting would be letting go. And I'm not ready to let go of her. I can't. I'm not sure I ever will.

And if I let myself be honest with myself I'll realize that,

It's

Only

Getting

Worse.

And I don't know how to fix that.

 

*bries POV*

 

 

I feel like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen. And honestly I wonder why they call it heartbreak. Because it's not just my heart that's broken; it's every part of me.

Do I get angry? Yes.

Do I cry randomly? Yes.

Do I cry myself to sleep? Yes.

Do I miss him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month? Yes.

Do I need him? Yes.

Is my heart terribly broken? Yes.

I'm only human. And humans break.

They break and they burn and they crash and sometimes they don't get back up. But sometimes they do. And I'm just wondering when the day is going to come when I'm not going to get back up. I've been done with life for a while now. I've tried to commit twice. But Chloe is the one thing keeping me between this hell, and death. I can't eat; I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes the darkness engulfs me and all I can see is his face and it cuts like a knife in my chest and I wonder if this is what it would feel like to finally end everything. This is suicide. Sitting here day after day, wondering whether today should be the end, or if tomorrow is. Not letting go of this is killing me. But I can't; I won't let him go. I never will.

Being left alone with my thoughts is dangerous, I think.

But maybe that's why Chloe hasn't left for 5 days. Since my last attempt to end it all. I had crawled out my window at 6am and sat in the dark, dark street. And just as I saw the approaching headlights and I felt a sense of peace surround me; I heard Chloe scream and she jumped out in front of me and made the car swerve around my frail self. She had dragged me back inside and locked the both of us in my room. And we haven't left, besides for her to get food that I don't actually eat.

"You know, you're too young to let this world break you." she speaks up from the corner she's sitting in. I just glance over at her, trying not to cry for the 107th time so far today. I've been keeping count. It's my only way to keep some sort of order in my unfortunate excuse for a life. And I can't help thinking that death seems a lot more inviting then this.

"You need to move on." she tells me. I shake my head.

"Not possible." I mutter the first set of words that I've said in 6 months. If you're not counting the screaming and crying.

And I'm just,

I'm not okay.

"You'll be okay." Clo says as if reading my mind. I shake my mind.

"I haven't been okay for a while. I don't think I ever will be." I say.

"At least you're talking again. It was getting kind of lonely over here in my corner." she says smiling slightly. I just stare at her.

"Being alone is a part of life. Nobody's ever going to live their life without being lonely at least once." I mutter. It's her turn to stare.

"Brie -"

"I miss him. I miss him so much." I murmur. Finally. I've said it.

"I know. I know you do."

No you don't.

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