Better Together ~ Shawn Mendes

Maybe that's the problem with everyone. We give up. To easily. But . . . that's just the thing, isn't it? Giving up is easy. It's easy to walk away. It's easy to not face the problem. It's easy to not fight. It's so damn easy.
And I have the same fault.
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"shawn, I love you. And I know you love me. But this was never going to work and I'm sorry that this has to be this way. I love you and I hope you find a way to be happy some day; to find someone who can make you happy. But for now you need to be a father, and a boyfriend, to someone that isn't me." I choke out finally.

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10. still alive but bare

I'm on my way to LA. It's been 2 days since my outburst. After I had finished my small monologue she hadn't said anything. She had just gone online and bought me a ticket and told me to pack. We still haven't made up, but oh well, I'm going to see shawn!! I've been going back and forth between the idea of texting him to tell him I'm coming. I asked Chloe - who's currently seated next to me - but she just shrugs. On the one hand, I want to tell him so that he can pick me up in the airport and I can have my movie moment of him picking me up and spinning me around whilst kissing me passionately. But on the other hand, I want it to be a surprise. I finally settle on the surprise and just stare out the window at the sunset.

Once the plane lands we get off, going to baggage claim and calling a taxi since neither one of us can exactly drive or rent a car. We arrive at the hotel not 10 minutes later and we go in and get our room card - my mom had set up the hotel and room thing too. We head up and are on our way down the hall when I see cam first. He sees me and kind of freezes, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"Cam!" I run and hug him, he hesitantly hugs back. I introduce Chloe to him but he doesn't really acknowledge her presence.

"B-brie . . . what are you doing here?" he asks. Why does he sound so nervous? I tilt my head confused, but answer him anyways.

"Well, shawn-" he flinches when I say his name. "-told me you guys would be in LA and I realized that I made a mistake in leaving. So . . . I came back." I tell him. He's still staring at me with that deer-in-a-headlights look; he slowly nods.

"Oh. Okay. Well, see you around." he tells me taking off down the hallway. Well that was weird. . . . I open up our room and go in, quickly unpacking my stuff and telling Chloe that I'll be back. I head down the hall in the direction that cameron headed and turn the corner.

My breath catches in my throat. My lungs stop working; my heart stops beating as two frantic green eyes stare into mine. I stare and I stare and his voice comes into my mind like an echo. But I ignore it and I run. I run and I run and I run. Out of the hotel, across the street, down the sidewalk, and finally ending up in a park, in the middle of the woods. And the tears streaming down my face won't stop coming. My heart beats uselessly in my chest as I suck in oxygen shakily through my mouth. The image of, them, won't get out of my mind. It. Won't. Stop. Replaying. In. My. Head. I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it!

"GET OUT!!" I scream at the top of my lungs. But still, the image of shawn and. . . . Jenna, pressed against each other in a passionate kiss, attached like parasites. I curl into a ball on the grass, holding my pounding head in my hands. "It hurts. . . . God it hurts." I whisper. Tears fall down my cheeks and I know I must be a mess; but it's not like I care anymore. The pain is unbearable; like a heavy anvil weighing down on my chest; on my heart. And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. So much. My eyes sting from the continuous tears falling from them like raindrops.

I'm drowning. In the pain, the constant reminder of my heart being broken again. It hurts so much I can't breathe. It starts to rain like a scene from a movie and I stand up, clutching my chest in agony. I stumble half steps back to the hotel and I arrive at my hotel room at 10pm. I knock on the door and Chloe opens it, her eyes frantic. Once she sees me, and the state I'm in she shakes her head.

"Good God Brie you need to stop." she whispers pulling me inside the room and shutting the door. "You're freezing." she says, mostly talking to herself. Her words come attached with no meaning for me. She helps me slip out of my clothes, leaving me in my bra and underwear and she runs a hot bath for me. She helps me into the bathroom and then slowly leaves, watching me closely as she closes the door. I strip completely and sit down in the steaming water, letting my thoughts wash over me. Not a good idea.

I'm worthless. I am. That's why shawn is with Jenna now. He lied to me, as if I was, some, charity! I was just his charity, to make him feel better about rejecting all of those girls daily. His proclamations of love weren't real! He's just a liar. And I'm nothing. Nobody cares for me. No one at all. . . . If my heart stopped tonight. . . . nobody would miss me. And nobody would care. Sure people pretend to care. They ask me if I'll be okay and I just say I will be. But that's just what they want me to say. That I'll be okay. But I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

And I don't think I ever will be again. And I can say nothing and act okay, but silence is the loudest scream. The loudest cry for help. And right now I'm screaming. And I'm crying. And I want to be happy again. Just for longer than 2 hours on a plane just to have my heart crushed again. Then, I hear him.

"Please! Just let me see her! P-please." he's sobbing. He's crying. Why is he crying? He did this. He did all of it.

"You can't go in right now." I hear Chloe's calm reply. Then there's a thump on the ground and more sobbing. He collapsed on the floor. Probably in agony; in pain. I know the feeling. I hear his one last plea,

"Please." And then Chloe's softer reply.

"I'm sorry." and then there's the slam of a door and shouting and I'm sobbing terribly. I deserve to die, I deserve to leave this God forsaken earth. I have no place here anymore.

I don't.

I don't.

I don't.

And then I see it.. My fate.. The only thin I'm suppose to do. Right in front of me. the razor and I'm reaching, and I'm cutting, and there's blood. So much blood. And nausea rushes to my head. The door opens and Chloe gasps and I see tears of her own falling down her cheeks.

"No, no, no," she whispers pulling me out of the tub, ignoring the fact that I'm naked. She holds a towel against my cuts and I wince at the pain. But then stop. It feels nice in a way. It successfully moves my attention from the pain inside which is ten times worse then the pain on the outside. I pull on my under garments and an outfit that Chloe had brought in. I barely notice as she bandages my cuts because the pain has returned ten fold and I swear in this moment I will be lost forever. I hate knowing that shawn never actually cared. I hate it so much.

Chloe guides me to bed and hands me a sleeping pill and soon what I thought to be the impossible; happens.

I sleep.

 

********************************

 

*bries pov*

I wake up the next morning to shouting the first thing I see is chloe barricading the door with her shoulder. The second thing; shawn trying to get in. His eyes meet mine and he starts shouting.

"Brie! Baby! Please! IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR IT WASN'T!! IT WAS HER!!!" he shouts. That's when yesterday comes crashing in and I begin to sob.

"No." I whisper. Chloe can no longer keep the door shut so she stops trying andshawn rushes over to my bed side. He reaches for me but I slap his hand away. "Don't shawn ." saying his name cuts like a knife in my tender heart. "You were my first love." I whisper to him. I know he can hear me, he's only a foot away from him. "But you're also the first person to break my heart. For the rest of my life you will be the one who hurt me the most. Don't forget that." I tell him, tears running down both of our cheeks. "But remember that I love you so, so much. I always will." I lean in and leave one last, gentle kiss on his lips. The feeling of his lips on mine leaves me on fire, burning to the core and slicing my heart to bits. I pull away slowly and I get up, and quickly pull on some sweatpants, and then I leave. I leave shawn behind, once again. But this time it wasn't me who made the choice. I didn't break my own heart. I never knew the consequences of coming to LA.

I never knew the consequences of falling in love with shawn mendes .

I never could have known.

I never could have known that it would be the end of me.

There was no warning.

There never was.

 

 

 

 

~~~2 Months Later~~~

 

*Bries pov*

I'm sitting down on the floor, blocking my door so that no one will come in. I stare down at my cracked screen; near shattering from all of the times I've thrown it in a fit of pain and loss. I just wish he would call. Or text. But I know he won't. Why would he? It's been 2 months. If he hasn't called already then he never will. Tears run down my face, my minimal makeup running down my face, as my constant flow of slow tears fall down my cheeks. I haven't stopped crying for 2 months. I can't will myself to stop. Because whenever I try his face comes into my mind and my tears come faster. And everything feels like my fault. But I will always care for shawn. Even when we're no longer with one another, and are so very far, far away. And isn't it such a waste? Such a shame that I've become so broken. What a waste of a life. And most of the time I'm just so sad and so broken that I just completely shut down. And you can say anything, and you can do anything but I won't notice. Because in those moments I don't exist. Now isn't that the most perfect thing? I sit here day after day and I don't know what's happened. I don't know what I've done to myself.

And now I can't think of anything else to think of myself as but a sick, small, twisted girl with a rotted and broken heart. The pieces of me are God knows where. Probably left back in LA along with my last real breath. shawn and I's story continues still. For me, at least. I think every story eventually comes to an end. But Our story is far from over.

And I just sit in my room, replaying all of the times I was laughing and happy, with him. All of our good moments. I replay everything. But mostly our last conversation. Before I left for the second time. When I told him to remember that he will always be the one that hurt me the most, that I will always love him. That I'll never stop. And that's true. I never will stop loving shawn. It's not possible for me. But I lied about him being the one who hurt me the most. There's someone that has hurt me more than he has.

Me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*shawns POV*

 

I'm laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My room is a disaster zone; stuff thrown everywhere from my multiple outbursts. Representations of the times when the pain and hurt got to me. Representations of when I explode. The times when her face, tear stained and frail enter my mind. The door knob wiggles and I hear cameron ask to let him in. Him and Nash have been staying here since mag in ended. My door's been locked for 2 months. Since we got home from MAGCON. Since she left again. I thought the first time was the worst. Was the most broken I could get. But boy was I wrong. My pieces are scattered and I just want to see her. I just want to see the love of my life. My phone is shut down, somewhere down on the floor after throwing it at some point. I stare at my hands; beat red from the pounding I've done on my walls. I can't help but replay everything. Everything that we did together. And I know I'm just making it worse for myself. Thinking of her. Over and over. Like my mind's on repeat. I think of our last and final conversation. The last thing I said to her was 'I love you.' but she didn't hear. That hurts almost more than anything. But seeing her walk out that door wins the title of the biggest heartbreaker.

I think of her last words to me.

"You were my first love. But you're also the first person to break my heart. For the rest of my life you will be the one who hurt me the most. Don't forget that. But remember that I love you so, so much. I always will." and then she kissed me. So gently, so softly. And in that moment I swear both of our hearts broke.

It hurts to lose her. It hurts so much.

But I haven't completely lost her yet.

. . . . What am I saying? Of course I have.

But I won't give up on us. I never will.

I never will.

I am so in love with her.

But it's my fault that she left.

And you can't possibly imagine how much I hate myself because of that.

 

 

 

 

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