Better Together ~ Shawn Mendes

Maybe that's the problem with everyone. We give up. To easily. But . . . that's just the thing, isn't it? Giving up is easy. It's easy to walk away. It's easy to not face the problem. It's easy to not fight. It's so damn easy.
And I have the same fault.
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"shawn, I love you. And I know you love me. But this was never going to work and I'm sorry that this has to be this way. I love you and I hope you find a way to be happy some day; to find someone who can make you happy. But for now you need to be a father, and a boyfriend, to someone that isn't me." I choke out finally.

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19. "shawn"

! Hey, wait -- where are you going?!" shawn shouts after me in anxious tenor. I huff, mentally blocking his voice from my mind. I can't think right now and I need to get out of here. "At least tell me if you're coming back!" His demand worms its way into my head and I sigh, realizing that I'm storming out of my own home. That just isn't right. So I turn, set down my purse and coat and open the door, pulling it open wide enough and gesturing for shawn to leave. His expression is that of defeat and hurt.

"Brie . . . please, I -- we can figure out something -- anything!" he protests lamely. I sigh, I have lost my ability to feel any emotion, I just can't right now.

"shawn. . . please, just go." I sigh once again, trying to keep my eyes from the hurt look on his face. I close the door lightly behind him and lock it. That's when the tears come, not the ugly, sobbing, torrential downpour on your face, kind. But the slow, steady tears that are full of grief and betrayal, of hurt and love. The soft tears that glide down your cheeks, and yet produce so much more than the heavy, angry tears, ever could. I lean back against the white door, my back sliding down of it's own accord until I am sitting on the floor, my knees pulled to my chest, and my eyes leaking tears of devastated agony. Now of course, I've felt this feeling many a times before when it comes to shawn.

Being with shawn has always been this way. With him, it's like my whole world has been turned into a whole theme park. Every moment spent with him is like a roller coaster. The agonizingly blissful suspense and anticipation of being near him. Then the final jerk of butterflies before being thrown into oblivion, being lost with one another -- with each other. The stomach-dropping feeling when something like this happens -- when something like this always happens. And then the final realization that the ride is over for now; the somewhat calming realization of whats to come. The emotionless state after coming down from an adrenaline high, of sorts. Of knowing that there is now just another mess to clean up; like there always is.

I know what is right to do. I know what I should tell shawn. Any sensible woman would. But I don't want to let go of shawn; I don't want to tell him to go be with Maddy, and to raise this child. Like he said, he doesn't even know her. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before everything happened. Before Jenna kissed him, before I saw them, before I left, before my depression, before everything.

Yet, at the same time, I know that I really don't want that; or at least, I shouldn't. Everything that had happening leading up to this very moment, happened for a reason. And it helped me and shaped me, to become the person I am today. I know I'm stronger than I was a year ago. I know that my sixteen year old self wouldn't handle this situation well at all. But I also know that she was young, and naive. And she believed in love.

And despite the past 24 hours, and all the promises and 'I-Love-You's', I know that I can't. Because if I do this, and if I move on and trust shawn after this, then something equally as bad will happen in the future. And I don't want that. I never wanted that; all I ever wanted was to be with Matt and to be happy. And I know I can't have both; it's one of the other. And I know that that seems wrong, and switched around, but it's true. Sure, shawn makes me happy, but it's a temporary happiness that isn't destined to stay for very long. Because as soon as I begin to enjoy and expect that happiness; it's stolen right from my grasp and in its place is pain. Shoved at me like an unwanted emotion; because it is. Nobody wants pain; that much is obvious. However with shawn its a given.

And I can't do that to myself. I can't. And I won't.

I stand up from my position on the floor, wiping my tear soaked face. I text shawn to come back and within a matter of minutes there's a knock at my door. I open it and shawn walks in, a hopeful, pleading look on my face. It takes everything I have not to back out of what I'm about to do and sit down across from him.

"Brie, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I swear -- she means nothing to me and we'll figure it out --" I stop him with a single hand motion to stop.

"shawn." I pause, gathering my thoughts into one pile and try to quickly sort them into a somewhat organized order, before speaking them. "I believe you when you say you don't care for her," he breathes a sigh of relief; but I'm not done. "But, that doesn't change the fact that she's carrying your child. And you need to be there for that kid, as that baby's father." He stares at me in shock and I smile sadly. "I'm sorry shawn, but it's over. I can't keep doing this, you and I both know we're just going in circles. And I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have so much to live for now and I don't want to screw that up by being with someone who can't," I pause, quickly weighing my words and quickly realizing and preparing myself for how much they're going to hurt to say, and hurt shawn to hear. But they need to be said. "Make me happy." I stop, watching his emotions change from shock and disbelief to absolute hurt. I hold eye contact knowing that he needs to know the truth of those words.

"shawn, I love you. And I know you love me. But this was never going to work and I'm sorry that this has to be this way. I love you and I hope you find a way to be happy some day; to find someone who can make you happy. But for now you need to be a father, and a boyfriend to someone that isn't me." I choke out finally.

"Brie, I --"

"shawn Please. Please, do not make this hard then it has to be." I choke out, not able to hold in the emotion in my voice any longer. We stare at one another for a long while until finally, with tears leaking out of his beautiful brown eyes, he nods. We stand together, I reach over and clasp my hand with his, bringing him closer to me.

I close my eyes for a moment, taking it all in; his presence. I open my eyes and lean in all at once, sealing my lips with his one last and final time. This kiss is one of love. Of course, it is. Because we are two people who are too in love to be together. And as much as that hurts to try and understand, it's true, it's true, it's true. Because our love for one another would have destroyed each other. We both love to hard and to fast and it wouldn't have ended well and we knew it but didn't want to believe it. And as I gently, loosely, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him deeply, sorrowfully, I breathe him in. And I enjoy being with shawn for what I know will most likely be the last time.

No, this is not a happy ending, and I'm sorry if you were expecting one but shawn and I were never meant to be together forever, because our love was to strong, and our hope was too hopeful, and our faith in one another was never weak, but never strong.

The door closes behind the boy I love and I crumple, then and there on the hardwood floor in my apartment, with the waning sun shining in through the blinds and even though many thought we were better together, I know now that really we were better together once but not forever.

And I cry.

For the last time, for shawn, for myself.

For all the lost lovers in the worlds and I cry.

Because it hurts.

And I cry because I know that it's the kind of hurt that eventually shrinks and falls into the farthest part of you, but it's also the kind of hurt that will never go away.

 

the end

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