Better Together ~ Shawn Mendes

Maybe that's the problem with everyone. We give up. To easily. But . . . that's just the thing, isn't it? Giving up is easy. It's easy to walk away. It's easy to not face the problem. It's easy to not fight. It's so damn easy.
And I have the same fault.
"shawn, I love you. And I know you love me. But this was never going to work and I'm sorry that this has to be this way. I love you and I hope you find a way to be happy some day; to find someone who can make you happy. But for now you need to be a father, and a boyfriend, to someone that isn't me." I choke out finally.


16. are you happy

I invited shawn over today . . . to talk or whatever. I know, I know what you're thinking; What the hell is wrong with you Brie?! Are you stupid?! The answer to that is . . . maybe? I don't know why I wrote out the text. I don't know why I sent it. And I don't know why he responded with a 'yes'. All I know is that I have about 5 minutes until he gets there and I'm in my pajamas eating ice cream and watching Netflix. I've been procrastinating getting ready when I think to myself . . . This boy has seen me in spandex and a giant tee shirt with my hair in serious need of help; and no makeup. So, I really don't care. And now, it's about three minutes until he gets here and I figure I should make myself semi presentable. So I throw on another pair of comfy clothes I decide to ditch the shoes since 1.) I'm inside. and 2.) Just, no.

There's a knock at my door and I quickly throw my hair up into a messy bun and quickly glance at my face in the hallway mirror before lightly jogging to the door. I open it up, acting as if I'm in no hurry at all to get to the door.

"Hey . . ." he says, smiling at me. "Did you forget I was coming?" I raise an eyebrow.

"No . . . what are you trying to say shawn peter raul mendes?" I ask, using his full name; I know he hates it when people call him that. So you know, why not?

"Nothing, nothing. You look cute." he says, smiling some more. I smile softly and let him in. He walks in and immediately makes himself comfortable on one of the couches. I walk over and sit on the one diagonal from him. We sit in a small awkward silence before he speaks.

"Brie . . . ?" he asks slowly, glancing at me in the process.

"Yeah?" I ask him tentatively.

"A-are you, happy?" he asks quietly. I'm taken aback by the question and quickly snap.

"Yes! Why wouldn't I be happy?!" I practically shout. I surprise myself by my tone. He watches me with concerned eyes and I lose it. "Stop looking at me like that! I'm fine! I'm completely fine! And happy! I'm happy too! You don't need to worry about me - you, you don't need to!" I shout as he slowly gets up. At first I think he's leaving, but then he comes towards me, picking me up lightly and placing me into his lap. I watch as one of my tears falls onto his shirt, creating darker patch of fabric. I hadn't realized I was crying and now I'm starting to wish I hadn't worn any makeup at all. He clutched me close to his chest as I sob, continuing to yell at him. "You left me! No, no, no, you didn't I'm sorry - I left! It was me! I-I was wrong . . . I'm sorry shawn I am so sorry." I gasp, trying hard to catch my breath before another wave of tears hits me. I'm gasping for air and clutching his shirt in my hands as I sob uncontrollable tears onto his shirt. And he just holds me; so close. "I need you shawn. I need you so much. I can't live without you. I can't be happy without you." my tears have slowed but they're still coming. I choke on another sob and wrap my arms around him, clinging to him tightly. "I love you shawn. I love you so much. I love you and I need you and I want you in my life. And I am so damn sorry I left. I really am." I say, finally ending my long tantrum of tears and words and confessions of love. And now I'm scared at what he'll say back.

"Brie." he breathes out my name and I prepare myself for rejection. For him telling me that he's found someone else. "Since the first day that I met you and saw you, I loved you. You were beautiful, and you were smiling so widely and you were different. The best kind of different. As soon as I saw you I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted to know your name - first off - and I wanted to know what you saw in me. And when it was your turn to come and meet me, and you stuttered, I had to restrain myself from smiling so big at your adorable giggles. And you told me your name and I remember I was sorry that you left. And I remember that throughout the entire show, all I could think of was you. Brie. I wanted to know your last name, you middle name, your likes, dislikes, weird quirks, pet peeves, everything. Because to me you were so amazing and beautiful and unique; and after the show when I saw you were a VIP admission I was so happy because I knew that that was my chance. Fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it; you were it for me.

You were it. And I knew that, I knew it because even the rest of the guys could see a difference in me. Nash joked that I was practically glowing. Well, now I sort of believe him. Brie, when you agreed to come on tour with me, it lifted my hear completely and I knew that no matter what, I absolutely couldn't lose you. You bring out the best in me Brie . I don't know how else to put it. When I'm around you I reach to be the best that I can be, for you. And you were always happy and after a few days I could read your emotions so clearly. I knew you were nervous about telling everyone about "shie". I knew that afterwards you were upset. And as much as you tried to hide it from me, I knew that you were crying inside. I knew that you were withering away and I wanted to help you, I just didn't know how. I had never been in love before. I had never even believed in such a thing as true love. But with you, it was different. It was kind of crazy not to believe in it, when you were right there, when every time you looked at me you smiled and your eyes brightened.

And after a while I noticed that the glow diminished. It slowly lost its strength and I could tell you were losing the battle in your head. And that day, when the guys and I went to the beach, I was out of it. Wondering what you were doing; how you were doing. If you were okay." he whispers. And then he continues, his voice slowly getting more passionate, more afraid and sad. I glanced up at his face briefly to realize he was crying. He continues on though, despite his state.

"And then I got back, ready to see you; ready to talk to you about whatever was going on. And . . . you were gone. You left without saying goodbye and Jenna ran up to me and she told me what had happened and she was in tears. I cried and I cried so much that night. Sending you that long text in hopes that you would reply, or call. If only to let me know that you had made it home safely. What I had really wanted was for you to call me and tell me you loved me and that you were coming back. Coming back for me. But you didn't. And after a while I started to drown in my own sorrows. And Jenna began to bother me, saying I needed to move on. Get over you. And no matter how many times I told her it wasn't possible she continued. She told me that you had already moved on. That you were fine. That you were absolutely fine." he whispers, his voice hoarse.

And I remember that day too. Cam came barreling around the corner; a look of wonder spread across his face. And he told me that you were back. He said that you were back to stay; for me. And I was so happy, I ran out of the room, but Jenna stopped me and asked me what was going on. I told her that you were back and out of nowhere she pressed me against the wall and started kissing me with so much forced passion; it was sickening. And just as I was trying to push her way I heard you gasp. And my heart stopped beating. You had caught me in the one moment of that kiss where I was to shocked to do anything about it. I pushed Jenna away from me with force and I saw you and I melted. Because I had missed you and I loved you and then I saw you crying and I realized. That you had just seen your best friend and I kissing. And you had no idea what happened. And you turn and you ran and I didn't know what to do. I tried going after you but Jenna pulled at my arm and by the time I got away from her you were gone down the hall. I ran down to the lobby and looked both ways down the sidewalk but I couldn't see you and I was worried that you would get lost; or hurt.

So I started to look for you, I searched near and wide. And then it started to rain and I still hadn't found you and the rest of the guys dragged my back inside so that I wouldn't get a cold. I yelled at them, telling them how stupid it was; dragging me inside so I wouldn't get a measly cold when you were still out there. Alone. But they didn't listen and they locked me in my own room. After what felt like forever I got the text saying you were back, from Cam. I started pounding on the door that confined me to my room. And finally I realized - to my own stupidity - that I could simply unlock it from the inside. The guys knew I wouldn't notice this small detail until I was back in my right mind. But that's the thing; I was thinking about you. You are my right mind. And I ran to your door and I opened it, I faintly remember the banging noise it made on the wall. Your friend - I didn't know her name at the time - looked at me as if I was insane. I probably was at the time. I began shouting for her to let me see you. I noticed the light in the bathroom and I wondered why she had left you in there; alone. I didn't understand why everyone kept leaving you alone; even me. If I hadn't left that day to go to the beach then maybe you would've stayed. Or maybe you wouldn't have. I guess I'll never know. She wouldn't let me see you and I started to sob and cry and soon I fell to the floor in complete agony.

I don't remember much after that. Only that she dragged me out into the hallway and the guys helped me back to my room. I obliged weakly, but I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't go back and fight for you harder. I didn't know what I was doing at the time; all I knew is that I need you and I needed to see you, to tell you what happened. To stop you from hurting inside and outside. And the next morning I tried to see you and Chloe blocked the door and finally I made it through her attempts at barricading the door. And I rushed to you side in complete anger and hurt. You shut me up with one word; 'no'. I think my heart cracked then because 'no' always means it's over. It means you were leaving me again. And that's exactly what you did.

The thing that hurt the most is that I told you I loved you. But you didn't hear me. You didn't hear me and for the next year and 2 months I wondered if you still loved me. If you even loved me still, when you left that hotel. I wasn't okay for a long, long time. I watched your videos and was constantly looking at your Twitter. And I missed you. I missed you so much. And then at the mall a few days ago, when I saw it was you. My heart shattered yet became whole all at the same time. Because you looked okay - you looked amazing. But I got to see you, and I got to hear your voice. And then at Nash and Cam's apartment. And I got to touch you. I got to kiss you. And it completed me. And I was hit with that same feeling I got 15 months ago. I couldn't let you go. I won't let you go. That's a promise. Because I love you.

Brie, you're all I ever needed."

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