Forbidden

"You can't break a girl who's already broken and you can't hurt a girl who's already dead inside."
Pain, it's all that exists in this horrid world. Judgmental monsters, people who scold you for being yourself. Just being yourself, you are told to stop being a wreck. You feel like you are slowly losing connection to your body, fading into darkness, away from the light. Further and further you fall, no one is there to catch you. The only way out is pain, pain is the key. The blade, it haunts you until you can't resist the urge to watch the thick red liquid drip from the cut. Suddenly it all becomes numb, no one cares to listen. No one pays attention, you keep falling further. Your echoes cannot be heard, no one is going to save you. You are stuck in the dark with no way out. It all comes down to that one person that is your last hope. Help. Help me please. Help me escape these demons.

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1. Prologue

        Prologue
    Fat
    Ugly
    Worthless
    Bitch
    Dumbass

    Those were my labels, what every one called me. I was all of those things, they are all right. My hair is ugly, my body is fat, my eyes are disgusting, my personality is complete shit. I'm officially the worst person on this planet, if that's what you would even call me. Or was I just a big fat troll? Like the ones you see in the movies. I was probably far more ugly than that. I was a disgrace to everyone around me and to life itself. A waste of space, a waste of oxygen and everything. Why couldn't I be better? Be beautiful and not be in this dark place full of sorrow and haunting memories, why did I have to be broken?
    I kept my head down as I walked through the halls. I heard muffled voices, they were talking about me again, the usual routine. As I was hitting the center Mark of the hallway, I bumped into someone and dropped my books. "Watch where you're going, slut." Mollie, the most popular girl in the school spat.
    I didn't say anything, but tried to pick up my things. I suddenly felt impact on my left side of my rib cage. The wind was knocked out of me as my frail body hit the floor with a low 'hmph'. I winced in pain as I tried to get up again, but was knocked over again as a foot was planted into my stomach. Tears brimmed my eyes, I tried to hold it back. 
    Look at how pathetic you are. You're a burden to every one around you. Everyone hates you, why not just kill yourself and do everyone a favor?
    The voice inside my head kept repeating. 
    Shut up. I shakily got to my feet and attempted to gather my things for the third time. Someone grabbed a fist full of my hair and threw me back against the lockers. I whimpered as I clutched my stomach.
    "What? Are you gonna cry about it and run away from all of your problems like you always do? Or are you gonna run off and cut yourself again? You dumb ass emo. Grow up, no wonder why your dad killed himself, he probably couldn't stand you. I mean, you are a disappointment and nothing more. Just pretty much a Fuck up that will never get anywhere in life. Why did you have to be born? You were probably a mistake, you know that?" A tear strayed from my eye as it lined down my cheek and onto my shirt collar.
    Flashback:
    "Daddy! Please don't, I love you and I need you!" I cowered at the sight of my father holding the gun to his head. Tears were cascading down his face.
    "I love you too baby girl, I can't take this anymore. You'll understand when you get older. Please always remember that I love you, I love you so much. And don't be afraid to be who you are when you grow up. I'm always gonna be looking out for you." My vision was blurred with tears. "Cover your ears sweet heart, and close your eyes." 
    "Daddy no!" I screamed.
    "I love you..." Those were the last words that escaped his mouth before he pulled the trigger, left me in the world alone with all of the darkness. Only one thing came to my mind that night...
    Why?

    End of Flashback:
    "See, I'm right. You are a mess, I mean look at you. You are worthless, and no one can stand you. No wonder you don't have any friends. You killed them all off and no one cares enough to try and talk to you. You should just pull the trigger like your daddy did." She had a evil smile on her face.
    I tried getting up, and when I finally did, I took off running as fast as I could, out of the building, out of the school grounds. I didn't stop running until I reached home that was a mile away from the school. The door slammed shut as I passed through it and ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door. There was footsteps and then my mother's voice yelled.
    "Elony! What the hell are you doing home? You are supposed to be in school!" She screamed. I locked the bathroom door as I crawled to the cabinets and pulled out my box where I hid my razor.
    Tears kept flowing as I pulled up my sleeve, revealing the hundreds of scars that lined my skin. I took the blade and pressed the cool metal to my skin. Shivers were sent up my spine as I began.
    One
    Two
    Three
    Four
    Five
    Six...
    Fifteen

    I sighed as I pulled some wrap from the cabinet next to me and wrapped my arm in layers as an attempt to hide the evidence from mother. She never found out even after doing it for a full blown eight years. I hid it. I didn't plan for anyone to find out...
    My eyelids grew heavy as I slid down on to the cold tiled floor and began to drift off into a deep sleep.
    Dream: 
    "Elony." A familiar voice echoed off in the distance of the cold dark forest. My eye fluttered open, only to find no one standing there.
    "Hello?" My voice calls out.
    "Elony, why?" I recognized the voice to belong to dad.
    "Dad? Where are you?" 
    "I'm right here baby girl, right by your side." My head slowly turned to the side as a white figure of a man lied on the ground.
    "Daddy?" A tear escaped my eye.
    "Please don't cry sweetheart. I'm here now, everything will be okay. I promise you." I shook my head in disagreement.
    "Nothings going to be okay daddy! They won't stop. Why did you leave me?" A frown placed upon his features.
    "Elony, you need to stop doing it." My face grew to a confused expression. He sighed and lifted up my sleeve, revealing my cut up arms. "This, you need to stop. You are too beautiful to do this to yourself. Don't beat yourself up." 
    "But, they are right. I'm a disgrace, I was a mistake." More tears streaked down.    
    "No they aren't, you weren't a mistake at all. I love you so much, even though how dark times will get, you Will be okay. Please, be strong. Be strong for me. And if you ever need evidence that I'm here with you, look up at the night sky. The brightest star is me, I'm watching over you, no one will hurt you." 
    "They already have hurt me. I'm broken, and I can't be mended. I need you daddy, I need you more than anything in the entire world." He shook his head.
    "I'm always with you, in your heart. You will never be alone. Just please sweetheart, don't give up. Keep strong, for me." I nodded as more tears left my eyes.
    He wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs. "I need to go now, I love you so much." He kissed my forehead.
    "Please don't leave me daddy." He looked at me with his blue eyes.
    "I haven't left you, and I'm not leaving you. I'm always with you, please don't give up." 
    "Daddy, no, please stay here, I need you, so much, please, I'm begging you." He just shook his head.
    "I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm always gonna be here. Goodbye Elony." He then disappeared in midair.
    "No!" I cried out into the night. "No, no, no! Please come back daddy, please!" I felt something move from beneath me. Then I realized I was falling, further and further into nothing but blackness...

    End of Dream:
    My eyes smashed open as I gasped for breath. My chest heaving as I breathed heavily, trying to get air into my lungs. I finally calmed myself and tears left my eyes as the memory of the dream resurfaced. 
    I wiped up the blood that was on the floor and hid my razor then finished wrapping my arm before exiting the bathroom, only to find my mother standing in my room with an angered expression on her face. "What the hell do you think you're doing home from school missy?" She scolded.
    "I-I'm sorry mom, I just... I'm on my period!" I spat out as a lie.
    Some of the anger wiped off her features. "Oh, well, the head principal just called me and said that you just randomly took off running out of school grounds."                             
    "Yeah, I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling that well. I'm having cramps, I think I'm gonna head to bed. Sorry." She nodded before walking out and closing my door. I sighed and plopped on my bed, looking at my bandaged wrist.
    Why do I have to be such a mess? Such a disappointment and such a disgrace
    I'm tired of fighting them, I'm tired of fighting all of this. I'm being pulled more into the darkness each minute and I can't be pulled back into the light.
    If only someone out there could mend this broken heart back, if only that one person could change my world, let them tell me that everything will be okay. And have them tell me they love me, that they will never let any thing happen to me or let anyone touch me. But, that was a hopeless thought. I was unlovable, a nightmare, a broken soul that couldn't be mended. There was nobody out there who would here my echoing calls to pull me out of the dark. I was all alone and I don't have anyone. I'm not worth anything. I'm just a poor broken seventeen year old girl. And my name is Elonayain Rellaso Jackson, and I was a monster...

 

 

Song of Chapter: Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne
    
    

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