High School Anxiety (A Dairy about Life)

My mind is different than yours and yours is different from the next but do we share how we all think about high school? Everything has been changed and everything is different.


57. Gabby's High School Life

          I think that I am doing a great job of hiding ho I feel. I mean I am trying my very hardest to try and feel nothing. But even I know that would be a very stupid thing to do. I should be feeling something. I should be DOING something but I am not. I am doing nothing. I am too cowardly to go up on the roof. I can't go to the pizza place. (Not like I would have wanted too.) I am just feeling like people are trying their best to ignore me or see what my breaking point is. If I have a breaking point I think that it would be hard to cross. School, friends, and family all come before how I feel. That is just how it is. 

          You would probably, like to know what is going on today to cause this. Well, I am in Film class again. I am really liking this class but not as much as I could. I mean that I do like this class but I don't love it. I have a feeling that I am not going to like any of my classes. But I feel that I should. I can't do anything in this class. Every time I get my hands on a camera it is being taken right out of it. Me being me, I don't do anything about it. I just let it happen. But I am trying to not show how I feel. If I could I would just turn it off. But I can't if I do that then I would be ruthless. That is not something that I would risk doing to others. I haven't eaten lunch in a few days. 

          My stomach has nothing to do with why I am sad and why I want to turn off everything. But it is not the reason I am not doing just that. I have a reason for that. I am not doing that because of my friend. If I did that she would know. If I did that she would make me turn it back on. I will turn it on when I get home and there will I cry. No one is home to see me. And no one could hear me if I do that. I hate to even think about crying. I find it as weak as fighting. And I find fighting with your fists very unhelpful. I think that if you fight with your hands your not really doing much. You fight with your hands the most you can get out of it is a black eye and nothing else. Today I just about puked at the smell of pizza. It has gotten that bad. I wonder if I will have the same thing happen when I get home. If that happens I very much might have to make a trip to this coven my friend was talking about. My stomach is killing me. I want to be able to eat without the thought of having to puck it back up because it tastes bad or triggers a gag reflect. I can't even by in my classroom because it recks of pizza. 

          Fighting with words is the best way to do it. If you have to fight and you can't just talk it out. It is better to fight with your words (AND NOT CUSE WORDS!). The way I see it is if you're going to get angry don't show it but keep it down until you can find a way to get it out of you. That would be the best way to do it. 

          My friend told me a few days ago, but I am just now remembering about it, that there is a coven 10 miles from my home. I think that is a cool thing to know. Once I find them I can ask every single one of my questions. I don't think most would react the way I do when it comes to something out of the ordinary. I love that stuff. But I really want to know what is going on most of the time. I am freezing and yet I look flushed. I am trying to figure that one out. I may just have to change the name of this book. I don't really know. I might just start another one and call it good for this one. 

          I mean I am not scared of High School much anymore. I just feel that it is good to talk about what your feeling. (I know I sound like a therapist now but just let it be. I may go back to the normal self.) Well, I am going to go. I think I have everything on here. Well ... Bye for now!

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