Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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24. You Drift Away Then You Disappear

Sam and I fell asleep in each other’s arms. Between the cold and the constant tensing of our muscles we couldn’t help it. I remember it got so bad that Sam’s face began to freeze up. Small particles of ice stretched across her cheekbone. It clung to her skin, blending in so that it seemed as though she had been born with it. Thin white lines branched along, making it look as though limbs of a white tree were growing onto her skin.

Her hair was the first to freeze on it’s own. It clumped together and stuck out in various places from the ice. Her once soft and black hair was now hard and shined with a white glaze. The lips I had kissed what felt like hours earlier were now the color of the ocean. I was losing her and slowly I was following along right behind her.

So when I awoke in a bright room with Sam still on top of me, I was more than confused. Our blanket was gone, along with her coat and mine. Ice was caked on the back of her shirt, making the once dark red shirt look white. Sam was still sleeping and because of the frostbite I couldn’t tell if she was breathing. There was no feeling anywhere on my body.

Doctors and nurses were everywhere. Their lips moved but no sound came from them, while they dabbed our bodies with damp cloths. All I saw was a blur of arms stretched across our bodies. I wanted answers, but it seemed as though the words flying around inside my mind, couldn’t find their way toward my voice box. So instead, I stared at the unfamiliar faces who ripped up our clothes and wiped down our limbs.

They worked in a hurry, trying to wipe off the ice that stuck to our skin. My eyes widened as my right arm which still held Sam, now reddened in response to ice sliding off my once tanned skin. Something registers inside my head and I can hear myself scream. There was an unbelievable amount of stinging on my arm now. It felt as though my skin was being pierced by a thousand needles repeatedly.


“He‘s awake!” I heard the doctor scream to his staff.

“Young man. Do you know where you are?” With a clenched jaw I nod.

“I‘m at the hospital. My name is Calum Thomas Hood. I‘m aware of my age and birth date.” I answer through gritted teeth. He hadn’t asked me any of those questions but I knew he would, so I cut through all the bullshit.


He laughs for a moment as the nurses continue to wipe us down.

“A real live wire aren‘t you? Glad to see you‘re fully awake. I‘ve been trying to get you to respond to our questions for the past twenty minutes.” My eyebrows crease in response.Twenty minutes? How is that possible? I could swear he only just spoke when I screamed.


I groan in frustration as another stinging sensation now engulfs my lower left leg and arm.

“Calm yourself. Count this as a blessing. It means none of your tendons or muscles are damaged. We can‘t really be too sure unless we get you to use them, but this is a good sign.” The doctor says with a small smile. He advises the nurses to continue working on Sam, since she took up the brunt of the cold.


It’s after his comment I realize she hasn’t woken yet. She hasn’t even moved in all the time they’ve worked on her.

“Is she alive?” I ask, with my head raised and staring directly at the doctor. He stares at me for a moment and my imagination runs wild. We got here too late and they’re doing the best they can but there’s no response. Sam. Gone. I shake my head and can already feel my heart race in abnormal patterns. My breath catches in my throat and I can’t retain it.


I grab the bed sheets for support and he rests a hand on my shoulder. I fear the worst is going to come out of his mouth. Instantly I know my life is already over. Without her here I’m nothing but a broken shell of a man. My anticipation rises and every second seems like an eternity. He opens his mouth to speak and says

“She‘s alive, but we can‘t get her to wake.” Instantly I can feel my lungs open up.


With a large intake of breath I can feel my heartbeat slowly return to normal. The doctor repeats the same words over and over in the same calm voice.

“Calm. Slow. Easy.” Per his instructions I can feel the lightheadedness fade. My mind clears and a small smile escapes, I swallow the lump in my throat and look down at Sam once more. Now my only job was to get her awake.


With the doctor’s permission after every limb and appendage was wiped free of ice, I went along them with my bare hands and ran them up and down, to help circulate the blood in her system. After the nurses laid blankets fresh from the dryer atop her, I began running my thumbs across her cheeks. With my face against hers I breathed into her hair whispering for her to return to me.

I was in agony with all the stinging around my body, she had to be even more worse off. Her head laid up against my chest as I held her there. My eyes closed, I prayed for her to wake up from whatever had her in it’s clutches. She couldn’t leave me yet.


My begging in soft whispers disappeared in her hair. I hoped she’d wake up and come back to me. I had just got her and all too soon I was losing her again.

“Sam, please. I need you so much. I love you, come back please.” No matter how many times I said these words to her, her eyes never opened. Her body was the only thing keeping her alive it seemed. I wondered how long I would have before it gave up too.

As these thoughts raced in my head, the nurses began to take her away from me. No matter how much I pleaded for another minute with her, they just kept pushing me away. I must’ve screamed Sam’s name a dozen times, just begging her to wake up. She just laid on the new cot, limp, with eyes closed. It feels like she’s gone already.


The nurses cut her wet clothes off her and placed the warm blankets onto her. But not before noticing all her fading scars. Dozens and dozens along her arms, before a few made it down to her thighs. She hadn’t said anything and each cut feels like a slap in the face. I stare at her hand, hanging from underneath the blanket as they wipe away any remaining ice and frost from her face.


The few nurses that held me back release me, and begin hooking me up to an I.V. All I can do is lay back on the cot and stare at Sam. Her face is beginning to redden from the damp cloth, and her tanned complexion is no longer visible in her skin. The nurse on her right side walks away. I watch as her hip bumps into Sam’s hand. It sways back and forth reflexively.

Her hand continues to swing like that before gradually slowing. I stare at her fingers, slightly curled into the palm of her hand. Then one of them twitches. Did it? I sit up and watch again, hoping it wasn’t a trick of the lights or my mind. Then it happens again. Not one but two of her fingers twitched.


“Sam.” I say with sigh. Slowly her eyes move from under her eyelids. I watch the skin of her eyelids wrinkle as she squints with them still closed. Come on Sam. Then all at once they fly open, and she looks from left to right at her surroundings. Her mouth opens and the room is filled with her screams.


The nurses try to calm her down, but between the pain from the frostbite and her being unaware to where she is, it does them no good. Her eyes are closed again as the screams continue, and her body lays stiff and tense. She groans in frustration before I hear her calling for me.

“CALUM! CAL! Where are you?! Calum, PLEASE!” With everything I can muster I scoot off the cot.


Like before the nurses try to calm her but no change is made. The doctor suggests a sedative to help calm her. No one notices I’ve made my way over to the right side of her cot. Once I’m there they try to separate us again. I grab hold of the sides of the padding to keep me in place.

“Sir. I need you to step away! This patient is in distress! Please for your own safety I ask for you to leave!” One of the female nurses says, while attempting to pull me away.


My torso leans over her as she continues screaming. Leaning close to her left ear I call out to her softly. Her screaming stops as I continue to talk into her ear.

“Sam. Sweetie, I‘m right here. Open your eyes. Please.” I long to rest my forehead against her temple, but fear of hurting her.

“I can‘t. If I do I‘ll lose you. The demons won once already. Don‘t make me lose you to them too.” She answers with a small scratchy voice.

“I‘m not going anywhere. Please Sam. Open your eyes.” I lean over her once again. My eyes are directly over hers so I’m the first thing she’ll see.


The doctors and nurses lay silent in the room, as they watch this scene unfold before them. Just moments before Sam was screaming and no one could get her to see reason. With a few simple words I have her speaking and calm once again. There is no medicine laced in her system or force of action from her. Everything she does now is because she wants to.


“Everything hurts Calum. What did they make me do? I don‘t want to lose you yet.” Her last words break and I see her tremble. Her lip quivers as her emotions take over, and it takes everything for me not to break as well. As I lean closer to her face with a small voice I answer

“Nothing Sam. They didn‘t make you do anything. It‘s the frostbite, I have it too. You‘ll never lose me I‘m right here. If you‘d just open your eyes, you‘d see.” With a small sniffle she lets out an exhale of breath. As I move away once again I watch her closed eyes squint. As though she were having an internal argument with herself, I watch her hands and jaw clench.


I’m greeted with the pear like color of her eyes as they look to my face. They dart all around it, grasping onto every crevice and detail they can find. I smile in response, thankful she’s going to be okay.

“Nice to see you haven‘t changed Luna.” I tease with a knowing smirk. Her arms wrap around my neck, and I hold her small bare frame tightly against me.

“Likewise Hood.” She answers with a broken, muffled whisper into my neck.
********************


Over the past few days of us in the hospital, we were greeted by every member of our families and friends we didn’t know we had. Our bedside tables were cluttered with ‘Get Well Soon’ cards, and stuffed animals of every variety. Once our situation was explained and everyone heard about it on the news, our visitors became less frequent. Soon only our parents and close friends were our visitors.

Mom and dad were getting us some lunch when the guys walked in. We talked about everyday things like school and soccer. But it wasn’t until we got to girlfriends that the giggles came out.

“So wait, let me get this straight. You went through hell and back to get Meghan to be your girlfriend, but now you two are done?” I ask Ashton, confused as hell. Ash giggles once more as though this is amusing to him.

“Yup. I kicked her to the curb last night.” He answers with a smile.



Luke fidgets in his seat uncomfortably. He’s texting someone with a smile, before sighing and looking up at us again.

“Why?” I ask still confused.

“The sex was great but I just couldn‘t handle her anymore. She complained about everything, and wanted pictures of us for everything. I just couldn‘t listen to her nag about my friends or my life for one more day.” He says with a giant huff and looks over at me.

“So what you‘re saying, is that you realized your girlfriend was a bitch and we were right.” Luke says, staring directly at him. Ashton sighs before hesitantly agreeing. Luke and I share a nice long laugh before his girl gets brought up.



“So you‘re still with her?” I ask, referring to his phone.

“Yup. Mom likes her a lot as well. I mean I just don‘t get it. Here is this smoking hot cheerleader who likes me and my friends, but she isn‘t a bitch or a snob. I swear it‘s like I‘m being punked.” He answers, looking from the two of us.

“Well consider yourself lucky. I wish I could get some of those dates back.” Ashton answers gruffly.



With a smirk I lean back into my pillows saying

“Yeah. I got the best girlfriend. Without a doubt.” Earning a look from both of them.

“It only took you nearly dying to figure it out.” Luke jabs.

“I swear! Everyone and their dog knew Sam liked you! It was like you decided ‘Oh shit! We’re dying! Wait. Sam’s a girl. I LOVE YOU!’ hoping to get one last screw in!” Ash retorts. I stare at the two of them with my jaw dropped wide open. As the two of them laugh uncontrollably at my expense. I shake my head and curse at them before letting a small smile escape.



“How‘s Michael holding up? Did you tell him? Does he know?” I ask, thinking back to the conversation in the Chevy.

“Yeah. Sam told him.” Luke states, looking at his phone again.

“He didn‘t do so hot the first night. It took a lot of convincing that Sam still loves him as her best friend. But I think he knows he‘s finally lost her for good.” Ashton replies, leaning back into his seat. Exhaling loudly I run my hand over my forehead.

“I feel bad but it‘s not like he‘s never going to see her again.” I state, speaking my mind.



They nod in response but then Ash says “Yeah, but maybe you could lay off the PDA until he‘s got someone else to cloud his thoughts.” Groaning in response I agree.

“He‘s still in there with Sam right?” Luke asks Ash.

“Yeah I think so. He might be leaving soon though cause his show starts.” Ashton replies, looking over at Luke.

“You got Michael to go with you guys this time?” I ask, incredulous.

“It wasn‘t easy.” Luke states with low groan.

“Once he figured out he‘d be the only one with Sam, he brightened up to the idea immensely.” Ash states with a smirk. Rolling my eyes in response, I leave my bed and walk down the hall with them towards Sam’s room.



Along the way we pass Michael and he ignores our jabs to get his attention. It’s not until I say

“Hello to you too Michael.” That I receive a

“Fuck off prick!” In response, as he continues to walk farther along the hall. We’re all chuckling lightly as we enter Sam’s room. Yup, this would be our new normal.

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