Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


7. The Second Rumor// September 21st, 26th & 29th ; October 1st

My legs are freezing. I should've worn pants, but I didn't want Sam to think I was going to be gone long. I told her I would go to the store, to pick up some gummi bears and kisses, while she went home to grab her things for the night. It was a ten minute drive from her house to the bridge. I had already gotten the snacks for tonight, now I just needed to read the diary and pick up Sam. She was texting me again, something I didn't realize I missed.

'Where are you? I'm all packed. :(' even though she isn't smiling, I know she will be.

'On my way, fifteen minutes max. Then it's popcorn and gummi bears all night. :)' hitting send, I smile knowing she's going to be okay. At least tonight.

We agreed it'd be better for her, if she stayed over. At least with me, her demons stay hidden in the dark corners of her mind. Her words, not mine. I'm honestly so scared for her. She doesn't realize that she needs help. This is so terrifying, I can't imagine waking up one morning to a world without Sam. Lately it seems that's where this is heading. No. I won't let it go that far.

Sitting against the bridge, everything's cold. My fingers are starting to freeze, fall is leaving way too fast. Quickly, I remove the loose brick that hides the black diary. Inside I feel around, until I grasp onto it, pulling it out in the same motion. Laying it on my bent legs, my shorts prevent it from sliding down further. Taking the cuff of my sweater, I hold on grabbing one side of the book. When I find the entry I'm looking for, I turn the page over looking for the next entry. To my relief, there's been several since two weeks ago. With all these entries, I hope one of them is recent.

I begin reading, where I last left off. Hoping that some of them are happier than before, and that I have enough time to read them all.

September 21st

Just when I think my day couldn't get any worse, I get visited by the one person who knows how to further open my wounds. He claimed he was trying to help. Doesn't he realize, him stopping me is only going to further ruin me? I can't handle the people I go to school with. The one time I opened myself up to someone, they gave everything I shared to someone who used it against me. Instead of letting it happen again, I just shut everyone out. In the off chance someone from school finds this, to protect my friends, I'm going to change their names.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying the words Robin said. Why can't I let him go? He's obviously gotten over the friendship we had. But I know that's not true either, otherwise he wouldn't still care. Damn him. I could so easily let go. Just break away, my lines slightly jagged. But I could still do it. He keeps me here though, in a way I hate him for it.

Before my mind could further haunt me, with memories of him, I walked the short distance to Michele's house. Since he's suspended, for the third time this year, I knew he'd still be awake. I crawled in through his window. Instantly I was greeted with a smile. Just like that, he offered me a spot on the bed next to him, to watch Walking Dead. He smelled like sleep and pizza, hinting that he hadn't left bed all day. Yet somehow though, it was a comforting smell. I had soon drifted off to sleep, with images of burning rotted flesh taking over my mind.

Part of me is thankful they have Michele in their life, but I think he should talk to her about these things. Not just brush them off so she's left still swirling on the issues. I turn the over to the next page.

September 26th

Today I'm spending the entire day with Ashley. He's like a brother to me, always has been. I wish he wasn't so shy though. He's so smart, but hides it because he doesn't want to get made fun of. If he really wanted to, he could leave this town. Get out with a scholarship in Mechanics or Science or something. He made me a figure made out of twisted metal and broken colored glass. It's beautiful, it resembles a dolphin. It soars over the broken dark blue glass, looking like waves underneath it's white rustic belly. The entire dolphin made up of only wires and bits of gray metal. The entire statue on a curved stand, to hold the structure together.

He's so talented, it's his knack for this that got him his girlfriend. He'd leave her little trinkets in her locker. Till one day she waited to see who was leaving them. Once she knew, she had to call him out. He still blushes thinking about it. He was so embarrassed, and scared that she'd reject him. I honestly envy their relationship. It's so adorable, something I wish I could have. But Robin never saw my advances.

You know, my day always seems to get wrapped around him. Why? It's not like we were together. He wasn't a boyfriend, so why am I still bringing him up? Why can't my brain just power down when it comes to him? No. Instead it makes me relive every memory we ever shared. Along with the very last happy memory I had with him. Even though I doubt he remembers it as fondly as I do.

Who the hell was Robin? I try to think over hearing anyone with the name Robin. Then I remember, she changed their name. Groaning in frustration, I shrink smaller, bringing my knees in closer to my chest as another cold wind blows through. For fuck's sake, I hate the cold. I skim through the pages, I have two more entries to read. My phone blows up once more. I open the new message from Sam

'Where are you? I'm falling asleep over here.' with a furrowed brow, I check the time. I've been sitting here reading for the past fifteen minutes. Quickly, I take a picture of the two entries. Making sure I can clearly read the print, before returning the journal and driving to Sam's.

Once I reach her door, she flies out wearing her red flannel pajamas. Swinging her arms around my neck, hugging tightly.

"Took you long enough Hood. I thought I was gonna die of old age." I laugh hugging her waist.

"So sorry. I bought the provisions. If you look in the back, I already opened a bag of twizzlers." with a squeal she runs to my car. Shaking my head in disbelief, I follow after her. With her bag now in the backseat, she now holds the bag of goodies.

"Wanna rent a movie?" I ask when I sit in the driver's seat. Chewing on the red twisted candy, she sits in thought. Her eyes then widen as she almost screams,

"The new releases come out today! I think some good ones came in." smiling, I drive out of her driveway onto the main road.

"That's a yes than?" I ask with a small laugh, she nods handing me a twizzler.

After we arrive, I let her pick the movies. This way, I can read the next entry.

September 29th

It's cold this morning. Than again that could be because I walked all the way here; without a jacket. I love how the bridge looks though, it rained last night so the grass around it glistens in the morning light. While there's a thin layer of ice resting on the bridge, melting slowly as the sun ascends. There's a few leaves on the ground, since the city came and cleaned up. But more keep falling to take their place.

I'm going to take one home with me. It's still covered in water droplets, tinged in orange and green. Every year I try to collect a few, because every year they change. The colors become more bold; the shapes more defined. I used to think it was because, the trees got switched out by little elves every year, when I was younger. But as I grow older, I realize it's because, like us, nature too grows every year.

I guess that's why I can't understand why Robin would ever want to leave. I mean, sure this town gets on my nerves, but to fully leave Connecticut all together? I couldn't. It means too much to me. There's too many memories here. Maybe if he leaves for a year, he'll come back. Then he'll finally see what I've been seeing all my life.

Last night he made me stay with him. It was the first time I slept, with no demons haunting my dreams. When I awoke this morning, I didn't want him to see the tears I'm crying now. So I left, before he woke. It's not his fault. It isn't. I just can't let him in anymore. He's hurt me too much, and I can't keep allowing him to destroy me, when I do that enough on my own. Finally rested though, I'm thankful for him.

Shit, he called me. All I could do was stare at my phone. Internally screaming at myself to answer it. But the demons kept my body from doing so. I sound crazy. Often at times I feel like I am. How do you explain to someone, that there is two sides to you. One that wants to ask for help, and keep their friends and family close. While the other, destructs friendships, severing the lines in my skin when I try to reach out.

Maybe I am crazy after all.

Fuck. Just when I think they're getting better. Something happens, and they sound desperate again. I want to keep reading, but Sam's on her way out. So I close up my pictures, and put my phone back in my pocket. She slides into the passenger seat, holding a bunch of movies.

"Do you plan on getting any sleep tonight?" I tease, she blushes saying

"There was too many good ones!" I laugh before she continues with

"Then you didn't help, so I had no idea what you were in the mood for." smiling as we drive away I say

"It's fine Sam."

An hour later, we're in my living room. Our backs against the sofa, while our legs lay under the coffee table in front of us. Just like the last time we watched movies, we have a blanket thrown over our laps. Surrounded by candy, soft drinks, and popcorn. Our first movie was called 'Mr. Jack' a total 'B' flick, but with a good plot. I keep drifting my attention over to Sam though. Every time Mr. Jack appears on screen, she tenses. Curling closer to me, she whispers

"Why doesn't he want his face to be seen? Also, why the hell does he only construct his art with bones?" stifling a giggle I answer

"I don't know Sam. Maybe he's deformed, maybe he just likes the way the human body looks." she looks at me. I stare back at her asking

"What?" she smirks

"Really?" giggling I reply

"Well! I don't fucking know! It's not like I've seen this before." she laughs with me.

It's a nice sound to hear. A good way to describe it, would be throaty. Except when she can't stop, then there's no sound at all. Which is where she hits now. I can't help but smile, I haven't seen this side of her in what feels like forever. Summer feels so long ago. Hopefully she stays this way for a while.

The movie ends and Sam throws away our garbage. While I refill our popcorn, I take it upon myself to read the next entry. Which now that I pay attention, is today's date.

October 1st

Today was a bad day. A new rumor spread fast through the halls. It was fine, until it followed me back to work. Apparently Robin is only trying to help me, so that he can check off community service on his college resume. I was fine. But that one hit a little too close to home, because part of me believes them. But there's three more lines added to my collection of unwanted feelings.

My day seemed to get better. Robin brought me to my childhood home, his home. He tried to talk to me, but I pretended to fall asleep. I watched him leave my side so he could get changed. As he stared at himself in the mirror, I watched the muscles in his back constrict and release every time he breathed. His tan complexion, making his jet black hair shine all the brighter. He took my breath away, yet he was so oblivious to his attractive features.

Why did I love him? His feelings weren't returned. I could never have him, even if he did. He deserves someone who isn't broken. Someone who's not missing pieces from their soul, as the cruelty of the words eats it away. It's not right of me, to force the puzzle pieces that make him up, in the spaces where I lack mine. But I so desperately want to be fixed, so that maybe I can still have him. It's selfish of me, I know.

But I let myself get lost in his warm and tight embrace. Feeling the muscles in his arms tighten, with every tear I let shed. It was so easy to believe that he can fix things. Make the wrong in the world, become right. He held back all the demons that laid in waiting. So that I could sleep through the hell, that never extinguishes in my mind. I could never tell him, he's the only one that can. In fear that he'd run away from me, baring my everything to him. Risking it all is too scary to face. I'd rather let the monsters eat me alive, so I destroy myself. Then risk him knocking down the few pillars I have keeping me grounded.

"Cal, what're you doing? Come on, it's not that hard. Just open the door. It won't bite." I hear Sam say behind me with a laugh. I smile as I grab the popcorn bag, filling the empty bowl. Sighing, I wonder who this person is. I could've possibly had a conversation with this person already, and never known it. I instantly know, that whoever they are, they aren't around the right people. She needs to be able to see that if her poetic view on the world, was put in the right hands, she'd make so many people smile. A part of me wants to tell Robin also, 'that no matter how much he doesn't think so, he's in love with her too.'

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