Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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12. The Night I Make A Change

A week later, I’m sitting at the end of Sam’s bed. Smiling as she finishes up her jello.

“You know, if you keep doing that, I‘m going to have to ask for a relaxant to help with the aching muscles in my cheeks.” She answers, stifling back a giggle. I laugh too, reaching over and grabbing her hand.

“So we have the entire day to catch up on school work, or we could blow it off and do what we were supposed to do, before you decided to land yourself in here.” I say, not hiding my irritation with her. She sighs, used to this by now, and answers

“Well I guess we could fit an hour or so of schoolwork in, before doing what you had planned. Unless it‘s a timed thing, then we can do yours first.”


I smile once more, replying

“It‘s not.” She smiles in return, saying

“Calum, seriously. Stop smiling so much, my cheeks hurt!” I laugh again, before bowing my head hoping she can’t see me blush.


After she dresses, I return with two ice creams from the cafeteria and offer her one.

“Yum! You remembered I like the strawberry glaze one. ” She answers, opening hers right away.

“Of course I did, you only told me it was your favorite, about a hundred times since you‘ve been here.” She giggles, licking the sides of her frozen treat. We meet her mother downstairs, and after she signs her out, I ask

“Mrs. Luna, could I possibly steal Sam from you? We‘ve got a ton of work to catch up on. I‘d appreciate it, if I could get some help.” She looks from Sam to me and back again to Sam.


With a sigh, she nods and lets us go first through the sliding doors leading outside. Sam is practically skipping to my car.

“Calum?” I look behind me at Mrs. Luna and she continues with

“Make sure you get her home before midnight okay? Or at least have her call if she‘s staying over at your house.” I nod, and agree to her terms, before climbing into my drivers side.
On the ride over to my house, Sam and I are catching up on things we couldn’t discuss in the hospital.

“So wait, an old guy was the reason this poor thing had to be in the body shop for a week?” I nod, answering

“Yupp. Seizure. Now explain to me again, why your mother is so cool with you just waltzing away.” She smiles looking out the window.


Her black hair is in a pony tail and she’s wearing sweats. Not the best I’ve seen Sam in, but not the worst either.

“Well while I was in the hospital, we had the whole big talk about my cutting. She has to sign papers and such now. Therapy is so effin lovely!” She shouts, in a sarcastic manner.

“But since she knows I‘m receiving help, and I‘ve been smiling a lot more since you‘ve been visiting. She seems to believe I‘m getting back to normal. So since you asked, she knew I‘d be with you and not off somewhere doing things I shouldn‘t.” She continues.


Sighing, I wonder if Sam really is getting better. She seems to be, but then she says things like this and I wonder if it isn’t all a show. I wonder if she isn’t going home, or elsewhere to cut away her frustrations in the privacy away from us. The people who care about her, who want her to stop.

“Is the doctor nice at least in therapy?” I ask, genuinely curious. When I pull into my driveway, she sighs.

“Yes, she‘s nice. But she asks so many questions. Like yes, I realize what I did was really bad. We do not have to walk through that conversation six times, in order for me to see it.” She answers, closing the door behind her as she steps out. After stepping out, I close the door locking up the car in the same motion.

I clear my throat, unsure how to respond to that. We walk into my house silent, but Sam is soon bombarded with hugs and more questions from my mother. Sam sends me wide eyed glares that ask for help, while giving my mother short sweet answers in response. I grab us a drink and explain she’s here to help me with my homework. She lets us go, but insists Sam stay with us for dinner. Sam agrees and we make our way upstairs to my bedroom.

We spent about a half hour working through our homework, before we realized that we couldn’t actually help one another. With me being a year ahead, I’m working on different things in all the classes we’re required to take. Combined, we finished about two classes worth of homework. But we still have tons to make-up.

“So the guys want to know, if you‘re down for a game of soccer?” Sam looks up from putting her books back in her bag.

“Uhm. Maybe later? I kinda wanna head home.” She answers, before sliding her bag onto the floor. Confused I ask

“Are you okay? Did I do something to upset you?” To this she laughs. She looks at me with a smile and replies

“No. You‘re fine Hood. I‘m just kinda beat. I‘d love to shower too, I mean I feel like I smell like hospital. I know it‘s not just imagination.” She stares at me, waiting for confirmation. Hesitantly, I rub my hand on my neck before answering

“Kinda. But I don‘t care!” She giggles but nods. We’re heading downstairs, and I walk out with her to drive her home.

*********************************
A couple hours later, after Sam’s showered and napped, we’re driving over to Ashton’s house. It’s here that we’ll play a couple rounds of soccer with him and Luke. Michael would be joining us later.

“Feel better?” I ask. Sam nods and places her hand on the handle of my door. She’s staring out the window, watching the shadows appear and fade as we drive past the street lights.

“Hey Sherlock, watch the road. The last thing we need is you bumping your head again.” Sam says with a giggle. I smile and return my eyes to the road ahead, turning left to enter Ashton’s street.


Sam’s still laughing at me when we enter his backyard. I shove her lightly with a giggle, she stumbles but steadies her footing and shoves me back. I crash into Luke who falls onto the ground, barely hitting the net. He grabs his glasses, which fell a few feet from him, and wipes them on his plain white shirt.

“Sorry about that, Sam‘s an ass. Care for some help?” I extend my hand out to him, to help him up. He reaches up, and with his other hand pushing him up, and me pulling him, he stands.


Ash and Sam are hugging, she’s gripping his sweater in fistfuls. He’s wearing his contacts today, wise thinking. With all the running we’ll be doing, his glasses will fall off or fog up frequently. Although, I think he should’ve worn some different pants, those black skinny jeans he’s wearing are going to hinder his leg work. Luke, took the smart approach and just wore normal blue jeans.

We’re all wearing sweaters and sneakers, with November coming it’s gotten colder. Three days? I think that’s how long till the first. I’m excited, but then I kinda just want the year over with. With everything Sam’s been going through, I’m sure she’s been feeling the same. I’m hoping after winter break, things will turn around for all of us. That maybe I can stop feeling like I’m the cause of all the falls Sam’s been taking.

I’m thankful that we’re all starting to become closer. Sam seems to become stronger when we are. Like now, she hasn’t stopped smiling or laughing since I brought her here. Between Luke’s constant teasing, and Ashton’s infectious giggle, Sam seems really happy. All we’re missing is Michael’s loud mouth, and the group will be complete.

As if on cue, Michael booms through Ash’s fence screaming

“What up nerds! How‘re my lame friends doing?!” Sam runs to him, basically jumping into his arms.

“Michael! You asshole, you have been avoiding me!” She screams, hugging his neck. He laughs, but holds her waist tightly against his frame.

“I have not. You‘ve just been hospital bound. You know I hate hospitals Sammy whammy.” She giggles, but confused I ask

“Sammy whammy?” I mustn’t have been the only one, because the guys ask the same time as I do. Michael groans, and Sam jumping down, answers

“That‘s Mikey‘s nickname for me. Don‘t hate just cause you dorks don‘t have one.” With that she sticks her tongue out at us.


We all appointed Luke the score keeper, and divided us into teams. Sam and Michael versus Ashton and I. Luke sat on the bench under the green awning attached to the roof. The four of us began playing, and you could tell instantly, Michael was in the mood to attack. It seemed the closer I got to the goal, the more I dove to block a move, is when he’d come out and defend. But his defensive moves, involved a lot of brutality. If this were a real match, he’d have been benched already, from all the red cards he’d received.

It didn’t take me long to realize, this was his intention all along, for agreeing to play. He knew this would be the perfect reason, to use me as a punching bag, without making him look like an ass. If this is what it takes to get on his good side again, I’ll adapt to it. I want things to return to normal, and if this is how he’ll agree to hang out with us more. Then so be it.

Sam is in the zone tonight, she forgets at times that she can’t hit the ball with her hand like in volleyball, but she’s got a great kick. She alone, has scored three goals for her and Michael. I wish my partner was a little more mobile, but his attire leaves for limited mobility. I haven’t been entirely useless, I’ve managed to score a couple goals, and between the four of us we’re all becoming short of breath, and are caked in sweat.

My jeans are starting to slide, requiring me to pull them up frequently; I knew I should’ve worn a belt. Ash is sweating so much, he removed his sweater to help regulate his temperature. Michael’s red hair dye is starting to run down his face, and Sam’s cheeks are a bright pink from the cold. I can feel my heart beating hard inside my chest, this is the last goal. If I can score this, Ash and I win, but if Sam gets to it first; we’re toast. Seeing as how the winners get complete bragging rights, and ten dollars; I’d like to win.

Luke’s cheering on his favorites, mainly Sam and Ash, but reminds us of the score. Michael dives in front of me, before I can kick at the ball. He kicks it, and tries to bring it up with his foot so he can kick it with his head. But he fumbles with his feet, so I steal it out from under him. Kicking it over towards Ash, he runs after it. But Sam’s quick and steals it from him, kicking it while she runs toward the goal.

I beeline it towards her, she notices my frame but doesn’t linger. She takes one final kick, and it flies toward the goal. I almost think it’s going to go in, but it’s too high up. It bounces off the high beam, and back onto the field. She groans, but runs back toward the ball on the other side of the yard. I’m already in front of her, and Ash gets there first.

He’s huffing from fatigue, you can see the clouds of his breath from the cold. He kicks it toward me, and I’m racing after it. Michael’s running straight toward me. Shit. I move my feet fast, kicking the ball forward and then swiftly pulling it back towards Ash. Sam heads forward with Michael, looking for the ball they think I kicked forward. Ash not missing a beat, kicks the ball towards me again, as he runs across the field towards the goal.

It’s getting harder to breath, as the cold wind pinches my lungs the more I breathe it in. My chest is tight from the exhaustion I’ve been fighting. I breathe in once more, coughing as I exhale. Pushing myself forward, I bring my leg back and kick the white ball hard. It flies past Sam and Michael who by now notice that the ball is not in front of them. They look behind them, at the ball flying up past their heads. It lowers and hit’s the back of the net.

Ash is in the back cheering, and then falling to the ground. I’m giggling at his lack of stamina, while Michael is cursing silently under his breath. Sam sighs, but congratulates us before slipping me a ten. I take it happily, placing it in my back pocket. Michael follows suit, handing Ash a ten as he helps him up.

Luke walks over congratulating us, and we accept it with gratitude. I realize how late it’s getting, and I remember I still have to show Sam what I had planned a week ago. We’re grabbing our things, and the guys head inside after sending us off with goodbyes, talking about plans of ordering a couple pizzas. As Sam and I are climbing in the car, she takes off her sweater. I almost heave by how disgusted I am with myself.

I notice her arms, and on each one there’s several more lines then the last time I saw her. She must have in total, twenty cuts along each arm. All I can think is how I must be the cause of them. I was the one who left her alone, the one who didn’t try to fix the rip I created in our bond. Yet here she sits, acting out her happiness, when inside I know she must be screaming.

“Sam please tell me those are old.” She looks over at me and then at her cuts. She sadly sighs, before explaining

“Yes. They‘re old. I‘d rather not talk about it right now though. Okay? I just want to get to where you want to show me, and then eat.” I nod, but promise myself that when we get to the bridge, I don’t let her back out of this conversation again.

********************************
When we arrive at the slim road, that leads to the bridge; I stop. Sam starts to get out, but I grab her arm. She looks down at it, and without meaning to, I pull her closer. We’re inches from each other’s faces, and I can smell her stale breath as she exhales.

“I want to do something different okay? Can you just trust me enough to follow?” Her shocked wide green eyes, blink a few times before she nods.

I leave the car and begin walking down the road, away from the narrow path that leads to Peep Toad Mill. I can hear Sam’s footsteps follow behind me. Hear the gravel crunch and move under our weight, before it changes and now the familiar crunch of leaves takes over. Our surroundings becoming thin dead trees, and grass covered with old broken leaves. I look behind me, to make sure she’s still there. She’s staring down at the ground, making sure she doesn’t trip over anything, while hugging her chest. I bet she’s wishing she had brought her sweater with.

As I continue forward, I slow up knowing we’ll get there soon enough and slide my hands in my front pockets. Sam joins me on my right side, and looks up at me.

“Where are we going Cal?” She asks, looking around us.

“Just trust Sam. You‘ve been here before, it‘s just been a while.” She looks down at the ground, her eyebrows furrowed, lost in thought. I sigh as I remember that night years ago.Wondering why it stayed trapped in my memories, but faded in hers.

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