Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


20. Sam's Request

I’ve been staring at my phone for what seems like forever now. I’m not waiting for anything to appear or for anyone to call, more like I’ve been trying to find a reason to give Sam as to why I can’t go to Michael’s party. Ever since Ash’s girlfriend Meghan threw the idea out to him, he’s made it his personal goal to make it happen. Mali even says he’d prefer what we always do for him every year, but Ash wants to make her happy.

Normally I would just suck it up and go. It means free beer right? But there’s too many factors that are working against me. Michael being one of the biggest there is. Not that I couldn’t take him, but it’s his birthday and I just don’t want to do that to him. As much as I hate to admit it I still like the fuck up.

Another reason is that with Meghan being a cheerleader, it means all of her friends and their boyfriends will be there too. Most of the student body I feel will be there, seeing as how Meghan is the go to party planner of the bunch. As much as I’d love another chance to kick Kevin’s ass, I know it’ll instantly scare away any remaining shot I have to get Sam back.

Sam. She’s the last factor. How would I even start to apologize for everything? ‘Hey Sam. Sorry I ignored you and completely avoided you at the game. By the way I’m still reading your diary entries, will you be adding another entry tonight?’ Somehow I don’t think that would work in my favor.

I can only think that the only possible reason why she’d even consider speaking to me, is if she knew I was serious. When I think of all the long and serious conversations we had in the old Chevy, it seems like the perfect place to have our talk before the party. With that thought I leave her another voice mail telling her to meet me there tonight. Explaining that if after everything I’m about to say to her, she still wants nothing to do with me; I’ll leave her alone.

With a sad sigh I stare at her picture in my contacts. I don’t want to say goodbye just yet. But her happiness means more to me than my wants. So if she thinks she’d be better off without me in her life, I’ll go.

As I sit in the driver’s side of the broken down Chevy I impatiently wait for Sam’s arrival. To pass the time I fidget in my seat trying to get all areas of it warm. It’s still freezing by the time my ass goes numb. Groaning in frustration I lay back in my seat and stare at the clock on my phone. I’ve been here an hour. I’m starting to think she’s not gonna show.

Sighing I play with the zipper on my black jacket and zip it up and down repeatedly. I hear the crunch of dead leaves and look around for the familiar figure I’ve been looking for. I clear my throat and let out a long sigh. Let her be okay. Let her accept my apology.

The passenger side opens and a large mass sits in the seat.

“Let‘s get this over with.” Michael says, deliberately not looking at me.

“What‘re you doing here?” I ask completely annoyed.

“Sam says if you want her to consider accepting your apology or friendship, you‘ll make up with me first.” I stare at him dumb founded.

“Consider it your birthday present to me.” He says with a smirk.

I swear if Sam wasn’t on my mind I’d punch him right here.

“How‘s the nose?” I ask curtly.

“Fine. Thanks.” He answers staring out the window frame.

“Why didn‘t you tell me Sam wanted to meet up with me?” I inquire, looking over the dash. He’s silent for a while and I think that maybe his plan is that we sit here, and come out having her think we’re okay. It sounds like something Michael would plan.

“Well?” I ask again, growing impatient. He continues to stare outside the frame, as though my words went in one ear and out the other. I tap my fingers along my leg to prevent them from bunching up into a fist, while counting. There‘s a silence in the car for a long while. I almost think that between the two of us, there‘s a thickness all around. It lays heavy surrounding us and it‘s becoming harder to breathe normal.

“You don‘t deserve her.” He finally says after I’ve counted up to fifty.

His voice breaks through the veil and it seems to have disappeared almost instantly.

“I think she‘s the one who‘s supposed to figure that out.” I reply through gritted teeth. He scoffs in response and shakes his head I assume in either disbelief or aggravation.

“Why couldn‘t you stay gone?” He asks, staring directly at me now. I stare right back at him astonished.

Is this really what this friendship has come to? Where we hate each other so much, that the simple thought of the other sends a rage through us? How has it led to this in so little time? Who made the first mistake? Who threw the first stone? Was it me? It wouldn’t surprise me.

“Because I love her.” I answer honestly. I’m not sure when it started, or why. But after saying the words I know they’re true. There’s absolutely nothing about her that turns me away anymore. I love her outlook on everything, the way her face is framed to fit every one of her features. There’s nothing like her voice though. How in such a simple change of scenery it changes as well. The very thought makes me physically smile in remembrance. Her constant need to keep everyone she loves close knit together, or the way she automatically loves anyone who gives her the affection she craves. Sam is amazing. Sam is my everything. She just doesn’t see it yet.

Michael has started to stare out the passenger side window frame again.

“It‘s not fair.” He says with a small voice. I’m left speechless over his comment, unsure as to what he means.

“What isn‘t fair Mikey?” I ask trying to peer around him to look at his face. He looks over at me with gritted teeth and tears threatening to spill over.

“I loved her first.” He answers, before a wind blows through and he has to close his eyes, letting the tears fall. It’s then that he turns away and looks out the window frame again.

It finally makes sense. His hatred towards me, the reason he beats the shit out of everyone who hurts her; everything. It all connects. I wonder if Sam knows. Would she feel the same? Does she?

“Does Sam know?” I ask softly. He clears his throat and says

“Yes. Does she care? No. That‘s what you wanted to know right? That she was still available? That your shot wasn‘t blown? Don‘t worry Calum. She‘s still hoplessly in love with you. I feel sorry for the poor thing. The way she raves on about you sometimes is sickening.” With every word coming out in a bite.

Michael never was one to share. He also makes it his job to assume the worst out of everyone he comes across. His comments don’t shock me in the slightest. They were what I expected to be honest. I’d say I felt sorry for him, but he’s the one who’s torturing himself by still trying to get her attention, when the feelings just aren’t there.

“I figured if you hurt her when she needed you most, that she‘d learn to love me. Maybe I‘d have a shot with her then. But you still kept calling. You still kept reminding her you cared. She was so close to caving. I almost had her the night at the observatory. She stayed over that night. We talked all night and for a moment I thought I saw something in her face. But you fucking called you prick. I lost her all over again.” I remember that voice mail. There was a lot of pleading for her back that night.

“I knew then I could never fully have her. Not like you do. But somehow even knowing that now. I still don‘t care. I still want whatever she‘ll give me.” I’m listening to him bare everything and I wonder what she’s done that makes him feel this way toward her.

“When did it start?” I ask him, curious to where this affection stems from.

“We‘ve been friends since we were kids Calum. That‘s how it fucking started. But I didn‘t realize I loved her till four years ago. She was the only one to ask me to dance at the Sadie Hawkins dance.” I remember that year. I had taken Suzie Tellesco. Everyone wanted to be with her that night, she looked stunning. No one knew that the average girl who shared the same halls with us every day, could be so beautiful in the right light.

I guess Michael and I just don’t know too much about each other. Now that I look back at our friendship, we’ve never hung out alone. It’s always been with Sam. That could’ve been the first mistake that created the wedge between us.

The cold freezes whatever temper we had. It clings to our clothes and chills us to the bone. Michael has developed a chatter in his mouth and I relentlessly shake. December is going to be excruciating if this is only the start of winter. I know Michael has a party to appear at and we can’t keep Sam waiting. Assuming she’s even here.

“I‘m sorry.” I respond with a strained jaw. He looks over at me with red eyes and tear streaked cheeks that‘ve dried. The crying stopped long ago, but his eyes have become irritated from the cold.

“I‘m sorry too. I can‘t be mad at you for giving her something I never could.” He answers with a sniff. His navy blue jacket sleeve comes up and rubs at his nose.

“What is that exactly?” I ask him confused.

“Assurance that you‘ll never leave. Again.” He adds with a smirk. I give him a small smile and we start heading back to the trail that’ll lead us to our cars.

A short while later we’re both being engulfed in a hug from Sam. She’s so warm compared to the wind surrounding us.

“I knew you two could do it!” She shouts in a squeal. Michael’s laughing at her as his hand wraps around her waist, holding her close to him.

“It wasn‘t easy with this asshole. But I got him to cave.” He says nonchalantly.

“Oh so I was the one that had to be brought back to reality?” I ask in disbelief.

“Of course you were Hood. ” He states with a smirk. This prick. I shake my head rolling my eyes as we say our goodbyes, and head inside our cars to Meghan’s house for the party she threw for him.

The minute we arrive it looks like we’ve entered a zoo. There’s clutter everywhere from people throwing things on the floor in their drunken stupor. The music playing is everything you’d hear on the radio and then every song by Taylor Swift imaginable. Most of the alcohol is gone and quite a few people are already passed out in different locations around the house. These idiots, don’t they realize that’s how people get raped?

The three of us look around from the entryway of the door, searching for Ash and Luke. Michael spots Luke laid back against a wall, timidly looking from his girlfriend and the guy who’s talking to her. While I see Ash and Meghan dancing in the middle of the living room. We head off in their direction to pull them back and hope they want to head to Gino’s.

We left Sam at the door with our keys. The plan was that once we got them to walk over to us, she was supposed to start our cars. After getting them outside is when we’d let them know about heading to our usual pizza place. Michael was just as against this party as I was. But Ash pushed so much he caved because he got sick of hearing about it. Sam and him hadn’t shown up until just now. They’d been at his house watching Walking Dead and eating junk food.

It took some convincing but after pulling Ash away from Meghan, I explained we needed to talk outside. He was so shit faced I don’t think he heard anything I said. I looked over to see if Michael was having the same trouble I was. Luke was already standing next to him. But I assumed his girlfriend wanted him to stay because, now the guy she was talking to and Michael are chest to chest screaming at each other. Just what we need, a fight.

I shook Ash until his giggles were stopped. After he stared at me with wide eyes all I had to say was

“Michael Code three!” And he raced toward the door, stumbling ever so slightly. Sam saw us racing toward her and she bolted it outside. I hung back by the open doorway waiting for Michael and Luke. Luke had grabbed his girlfriend by the hand, and led her away from the two idiots about to fight. He let her through first before asking

“Aren‘t you coming?!” I shrugged in response saying

“Someone‘s gotta wait for Michael!” He placed his hand on my shoulder and nodded slightly before wishing me luck.

By now the fight had been going on for a short while. A crowd of people had gathered around them and Michael seemed to enjoy the show. He had a stupid smirk on his face, and threw the jock around the room like a rag doll. Momentarily stopping of course to bow at the crowd over his handiwork.

During one of his bows the jock took it upon himself to jump on his back. This sent Michael stumbling forward. He regained his posture and grabbed a hold of the jock’s arm clutching his throat. With a smile he moved backward, slamming him into the wall repeatedly. Outside Sam and Luke were hitting the horns on their car‘s.

“MICHAEL! COME ON!!” I screamed, growing impatient. He looked over at me and nodded before the jock finally let go after he rammed him into the wall once more. Mikey took one look to see if he was going to stay down.

The jock fidgeted a few times trying to regain his standing position. Michael shook his head and sent his right fist straight into the jock’s jaw. He went limp almost instantly, and Mikey came running toward me after a few of his buddies began closing in on him. We flew outside and into our cars racing out of the driveway. Staring one last time in our rearview mirrors, at the house we hoped wouldn’t be in our near future.

The six of us were seated at our normal booth, chowing down on a family size pepperoni and half cheese pizza. The waitress had brought Sam a gauze pad and some cleaning solution, to help wrap up Michael’s hand. Which after devouring most of the pepperoni, was now caked in dried blood and pizza sauce. We spent the night laughing at Michael’s constant need to fight with everyone, and Ashton’s lack of a backbone when it comes to his girlfriend.

Luke and his girlfriend seemed cozy up against the wall, much more normal than how they were at the party. They seemed more comfortable here than in the atmosphere they were in. Sam and I shared a smile every now and again. But I know things between us can’t be fixed this easy, it’s going to take a lot more than just my befriending Michael again. I have to do a lot of apologizing and maybe even some begging if the situation calls for it. But I don’t mind. Not if it means she’ll take me back.

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