Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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26. Passing Time

Time seemed to fly by recently. Between the five - well six including Luke’s girlfriend- of us hanging out during the weekend and sometimes the week if we had the time, and school, it didn’t take long for us to realize Summer was almost here. In exactly two months we’ll have all the time in the world to do what we want and when we want. I was so excited to have a break from teachers and soccer. Sam couldn’t wait either because it meant she could sleep over at my house more frequently.

With these thoughts flying around my head I walk inside Sam’s house. I’m greeted by her mother who advises me to keep my coat on, Sam is out in the backyard. Looking around I see she’s the only one here, Mr. Luna is more than likely at the bar down the block. I watch Mrs. Luna head upstairs with a small smile that never seems to fit on her sad face.

When I walk into her backyard, I see Sam has positioned herself in the sandbox we used to play in as kids. She’s grabbing handfuls of sand and watching it slip through her fingers. Wearing the sweatpants and matching sweater, she looks like she did the day I brought her home from the hospital, for the first time after her first attempt. Her hair is up in a ponytail, a sign she’s thinking too much about something. I watch her finger dance in the tan grains and wonder what she could be doing.

Once I’m close enough Sam notices me and waves her hand over the area she was playing in. Any trace of what was there is now smeared away.

“Hey boyfriend.” She greets with a smile. I return it while kissing her forehead and answering

“Hello girlfriend.” Before sitting across from her in the red wooden box.

“Thanks for coming.” She starts, swirling her finger absentmindedly in the area she was in earlier.

“You knew I would. I promised you I‘d never leave you alone again. What happened?” I ask, staring at the wooden frames holding the sand inside.



As she starts telling me how her father came home drunk again, I realize it sounds like a similar time before. The only difference this time was that he called Sam a slut because she’s with me. My eyes stay glued to the frames around us. I stare at the chips in the wood from old age and effects from the weather over the years. How all the sand stays in after all this time is beyond me.




“He‘s convinced you‘ll have me pregnant soon and when I do he isn‘t going to help us. If I do he won‘t even let me back in to retrieve anything of mine, he‘ll just toss me my school bag and coat before slamming the door in my face. He refuses to help his whore of a daughter because she couldn‘t keep her legs closed.” The last sentence comes with the tears that you could hear in her voice. Scooting towards her it closes the small distance between us and my arms wrap tightly around her. Her face hides in the crook of my neck and as I rub the area between her shoulders with the palm of my hand, I feel her tighten around me. No words are spoken between us. I learned a long time ago that it’s not the words that count with her, but the comfort and safety I bring her as I hold her to me. So this is what I’ll do until the crying stops and her grip loosens.



The wind soars through the tree in her backyard and rustles the leaves. Faintly I can smell the pond and I wish we were there. With Sam being grounded it makes it nearly impossible to do anything with her. Today’s the last night of her two week sentence. Her mom was lenient with my coming tonight because she didn’t agree to the grounding in the first place. Secretly I’ve been coming over whenever Sam needs me, her mother of course being well aware every time.



Sam finally lets go, and I hear faint sniffles from her before she lets out a long sigh.

“Thank you.” She says before reaching for my hand. I interlink them and with one hand I begin making tiny sculptures in the sand. Out of the corner of my eye I see Sam writing in the sand again.

“You know even if something like that were to happen, my family and I would do everything to help you right?” I ask, already knowing the answer. She nods in response and her clean face - besides the dried streaks of tears - , looks up at me and smiles tightening her grip on my hand.



“Coach pulled me aside today.” I start, to change the subject.

“Good news?” She asks, not looking away from area she’s drawing in. I begin sanding away the lumps in my castle walls with the palm of my hand, as I continue.

“Uhm, he informed me there would be a scout at our next game and his attention would be focused on me.” I let a small nervous laugh escape before she jumps at me and wraps her arms around my neck.

“Calum, that‘s wonderful! This is the break you‘ve been asking for! I‘m so happy for you.” She practically squeals next to my ear. I laugh in response,

“I know, I know. But this means I‘m going to need to practice some more. So we‘re going to be spending a lot of time after school on the fields.” I warn, knowing it’s not her favorite place in the world. She lets go of me, shaking her head and says

“I don‘t care. Calum this is wonderful news and I wanna help in any way I can.” I smile in response and lean in to kiss her.



Our lips meet for only a moment before everything about them pulls me in deeper. Grabbing her waist I pull her close so there’s no space between us. Her legs rest against my hips and I can feel her knees tighten as they hold me. We break apart for a second too long and I have her breath on my face. Her eyes find mine and inside them I see the same feeling that erupts in my stomach, every time she’s near.

There hasn’t been a word suitable to describe it. I’ve searched every dictionary, every thesaurus, and all the compound words. But nothing fit’s the feeling that explodes inside my stomach, crawls into my blood stream and pours out of my skin like water. At times I’m almost afraid of it because I’ve never had it until I met Sam. I wonder if she experiences the same things I do.

She kisses my forehead and I sigh in response. I always want more of her than I can have and right now after what we’ve started, I’m left flustered. She’ll get there. Eventually. Until then I just have to hold out till she is.



“Speaking of sex.” I start, with her still in my lap.

“You were thinking about sex?” She asks, with a playful grin.

“I‘m always thinking about sex when I‘m around you.” I admit with a grunt, kissing her lips again and pulling on her bottom lip lightly before breaking apart.

“What about sex?” She counters with a small gasp as she opens her eyes again.

“Our friend Lucas has left the virgin circle.” I tease with a light chuckle. She erupts into giggles,

“Really? Addie was his first? I‘m not sure if I should be proud or laugh.” She admits giggling again.




I sigh as her forehead rests on my shoulder blade saying

“Yeah, Mali knew what she was doing when she hooked them up.” Even now I can see the evil smirk on my sister’s face. I miss her.

“How‘s she doing? Have you been able to talk?” Sam wonders, looking at my face again.

“Yeah, just not like we used to. I miss being able to walk across the hall and talk to her about my day. Or walking by her room and hearing her sing covers of songs. But I think what I miss most of all, is hearing her laugh whenever dad tells those really long stories of his. ” I admit sheepishly. She’s the only one I talk to about this stuff with. I see her smile at my expression and know she must realize that.



“How long will she be gone?” She asks, playing with the hair on the back of my head.

“I‘m not sure. Ever since that music producer from the voice found her on you tube, he‘s had her working non stop. She‘s so excited though. You should hear her when we talk on the phone Sam.” I smile thinking back to one of the last conversations we had. Every word that came out of her mouth you could hear the smile on her face. By the time the call ended my cheeks hurt.



“He‘s starting her off small by playing at small shows in bars and hotels, but he‘s convinced she‘ll go far. I believe she‘s even got a music video she‘s doing with another small singer.” I say, remembering what she told me.

“I tried calling her once but she texted me right after saying she was in the studio. Eventually I‘ll get to talk to her again.” Sam says with a sigh. I instantly know how she feels. The first few weeks Mali left it was hard to get a hold of her.

“Give it a week or so, she said her days should slow up a bit.” I tell her, as I run my finger up and down her lower back at her spine.



I think of our classes and realize our weeks are going to be anything but slow. In the next month we’re going to be thrown new studies before finals. I’m thankful I’ve been able to keep an average on my grades. Ashton is trying to get his up so he maintains a 4.0 for better college options. It’s going to be hard to do just before finals though. Even Addie is having problems, Luke has to tutor her in science because her grade is dropping considerably.



“How‘s Michael?” I ask, fearing the answer. Sam looks away for a moment and stares instead at the fading light in the sky above us. The sun sets in an orange and yellowish haze, reddening the sun the further it goes down.

“He‘s coming around.” She answers after a short silence.

“I think he sees that I‘m happier now than I ever could be before. Because of that he‘s learning to accept us being together. It‘s hard for him though, I try to assure him that it doesn‘t change his friendship with me, but he refuses to see it that way.” She admits, sighing in response.




She removes herself from my lap and sits in the sand once again.

“He was here the last time my parents had a nasty fight. He heard my mother tell me, that he‘s not the man she fell in love with all those years ago.” Sam says this in a voice I’m all too familiar with. I’m thankful I’m here with her and she isn’t alone in her room. The dead tone in her voice is hard to get rid of once it’s there.




My hands find hers and I tighten my grip around them, until I can feel her squeezing back.

“I‘m okay.” She says with a slight sadness to her voice.

“I just wish she had learned this earlier, instead of now when I‘ve started to become accustomed to this.” She continues with a sigh.

“It was last week. Dad doesn‘t mind Michael. He knows I don‘t see him in that way.” She explains, looking up at my furrowed brows.




“He knows I‘m head over heels for you though. I don‘t mind everyone seeing that.” She states with a smile. Then her head hangs for a moment before she says

“Cal? I hope you don‘t take this the wrong way, but I still see us as friends.” Meeting her gaze I see she’s serious. How can we still feel like just friends? I know I certainly don’t feel that way. I’ve done everything except the blindingly obvious, to show my enthusiasm toward our relationship. What else does she need?




I blink a few times in confusion.

“You know- I hate to be the bearer of bad news but- friends- don‘t- do- things- like- this.” I state in between short pecks on her forehead. As I lean back again to look at her she’s smiling.

“I know. But really think about it Calum. We haven‘t really gone on an official date yet.” She states. I open my mouth to say something when she cuts me off.

“We‘ve hung out at our usual spots around town, but that was with all the other guys too. You take me to the movies occasionally and that is really nice, but we‘re in a dark theater. No one knows we‘ve come together unless they see us on the walk there or on the walk out.” She continues, growing more frustrated.

“I really like the time we spend cuddling at home, watching movies or listening to music, but I‘m always home. Sometimes I want to leave my house Hood.” She says with a bite.



Exhaling loudly I look away.

“Okay. I get it. Point proven, no real dates yet. I‘ll work on it but as of right now you‘re grounded.” I state, looking up at her cautiously. She gives a small smile in response and I return it.

“Just also keep in mind if we were to do something, it‘ll have to be on the weekend, because I am finishing this week with practice.” I remind her. She nods and her grin grows wider. I laugh in response because apparently I’ve made her really happy.



Once we’re standing and she’s dusted the sand off her pants is when I see what she’s drawn in the sand. It’s a heart with our names in the middle. I smile thinking of Sam as a little girl, her notebooks were probably filled with things like this. Her face reddens in color as she realizes what I’ve seen. With her right shoe she slides it over the picture and stomps on it for good measure.

“Is this how you spend you‘re free time?” I tease, grabbing her waist.

“Shut up Hood.” She says through a sleeve that’s covering her mouth.



Kissing her forehead once more I bring my mouth down and kiss the tip of her nose. I watch as her eyes close in response and her sleeve covered hands hold my face in place. With a tilt of her head and her standing on her tip toes, she reaches my mouth. Our kiss starts and I wonder how long we’ll last this time.

It starts in my stomach. Every time. Butterflies. They fly around hitting everything in their way. Till they make their way through my blood stream and transform to electricity. Now the current flows through everything on me and it’s like I’m flying. I could be a thousand feet up and it wouldn’t surprise me. But it’s after our lips part for the final time, that I can feel the energy radiating around her. It’s as if she were nicotine and I have to take a hit to quench this.

Her smile could make the blind see and the crippled walk. Every time we’ve locked lips I’ve seen this smile, but it only gets better the more we do it. I know that on the days when I’m old and gray, my memory not what it used to be, this smile is the one I’ll never forget. It’ll shine brighter than any memory simply because of the fact that it belongs to Sam. No teeth are shown, or the corners of her mouth turned up extremely wide. It’s simple, it’s small, it’s Sam’s.

A knock on the window turns our attention to Sam’s house. Her mother is waving us inside and I know that’s my cue to leave. I remove my right arm from around her lower back and bring my hand up to hold the left side of her face. As I run my thumb along her jaw I watch her lips part once more. I could never love her more than I do in this moment.

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