Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


19. Loss of Words// November 7th, 8th, 15th, 16th, 19th

The road winds down, and the branches of the trees reach out to touch the roof of my car. There’s enough road for mine and one more. I have to drive over toward the side of the road to make way for any, and all oncoming cars coming my way. This isn’t a very populated road so I don’t have to do it often.

The trees are bare now and snow has started falling. I watch the flecks hit my window and melt almost instantly. The white specks linger long enough to make themselves known, then disappear as fast as they come. No snowflakes yet, must be too early.

Sam hasn’t talked to me since that night. I’ve left her voice mails every day to let her know I’m still here. I haven’t given up on our friendship just because she has. Now two weeks later I wonder if I’ll ever hear from her. The only reason why I know she’s okay is because the guys and Mali keep me updated. But slowly she’s letting them go too.

A Christmas song starts on the station I’ve left it on. I hum along to the familiar melody, and it helps raise the corners of my mouth a little. The holiday is coming up and I hope Sam will have let me in by then. How else can I give her the present I’m about to get her? It’d be awkward if I gave it to Mali to give to her. Honestly if by then she still hasn’t spoken to me, I’m just going to drive over to her house and let myself in.

Weaving out of the tree laden road I steer into the traffic once again. Finding a busy highway I let myself slip in. Following the cars ahead of me I stare straight ahead. The night sky makes the headlights blinding as I squint, because people refuse to turn off their brights. As quick as I can I pull into the store’s parking lot and park.

Staring at the small velvet box in my hand I think over my choice, and wonder if this is the final piece needed to complete her puzzle. Please let this be enough this time. Sighing I stash it in the glove box and head home. I haven’t been to the bridge since we fought, and I’m worried what waits for me there all this time later. I’m left wondering if it’ll contain what she really thinks anymore.

Driving back it’s silent and there are moments when it’s calming. But more often then not it just depresses me. I’m left with several thoughts running around my head and making me feel worse than before. How could I continue reading after I knew? Why hadn’t I told her? I promised I wouldn’t leave and I kept it, but like I always do I fucked something up and she’s punishing me again. Why do I screw everything up? I wonder how she hasn’t given up on me yet. Then I remember she has and I don’t blame her.

As I stare out my front windshield parked on the small trail, my phone rings.

“Hello?” I ask in monotone.

“Hey lil bro, are you on your way home? Mom‘s wondering, and she can‘t seem to get a hold of you because her phone‘s glitching up something fierce.” I let out a small smile thinking about my frantic mother, stressing over the phone in her hands. She groans in frustration as it yells at her for one thing or another, before turning off completely.

“Yeah. I‘ll be home soon. An hour tops.” I answer to her question. She sighs on the other end.

“Are you alright?” I ask daringly.

“Yes. But you aren‘t.” She answers curtly, I stare at my hand resting in my lap.

Sometimes it really sucks having a sibling you’re close with.

“I‘m alright.” I explain before the lecture starts.

“Bullshit Cal. ”

“You know just because you‘re the older sibling, doesn‘t mean you have to know everything.” I snap, growing irritated because I know what’s coming. I hear a long aggravated sigh on the other end and think maybe she’ll drop it. But then she speaks once again and I groan softly, falling back into my seat.

“Just because you‘re a shit who doesn‘t know how to express his feelings, doesn‘t mean you get to snap at the people who care about you!” She retorts with a loud huff.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I know she’s right. So I sigh in exchange and explain how my thoughts have been with Sam, and with Christmas just around the corner I wonder if she’ll still be ignoring me then.

“Oh Cal. You know Sam would never leave you in the dark for that long.” I roll my eyes over my sister’s hopeful and naïve outlook.

“Mali, she already has.” I answer with a snort.

“Recently yes. But that‘s only because you‘ve been ignoring the signs!” She shouts, ending in a squeal. I lightly chuckle over her usual bubbly self and I think over to what she could mean. Flashbacks of school and the last game I had come flooding back, but I don’t remember seeing Sam or hearing anything about her.

“What did I miss?” I ask, slightly hurt.

It’s no wonder Sam stopped talking to me all together.

“There was a moment she said that she tried to wave to you in the hallway. She said you looked at her and right when she waved you walked right past her.” I try to think back throughout the two weeks, and recall a moment I saw her in the halls. Our eyes met for a split second, but before I could say or do anything I heard Jared calling my attention in front of me.

“Then at the last game you had she cried out for you, deliberately cheering you on and you never even noticed.”

“How could she expect me to hear her over the hundreds of other people there?” I ask offended.

“Because she was on the sidelines. Right next to the coach.” I’m an idiot.

She was right there. How could I have missed her? I could here coach’s voice like it was booming over my shoulder. I should’ve easily had heard hers, so why didn’t I? Why wasn’t her voice just as loud? Out of everyone there, hers is the one I wanted to hear. The one I hoped to hear because she was gone for so long.

“She tried Cal. She even had Michael tell you to meet her at the old bridge. But you never showed.”

“Wait, what?” I ask, bewildered.

“Yeah. She told Michael to get your attention last Friday, and tell you to meet her at the bridge after practice. She waited there all night but you never showed.” How could she possibly think that Michael would’ve relayed that message? As much as she hates me.

She groans on the other end of the line and then sighs. I hear shuffling on the other end and guesstimate that she’s laying down.

“Anyway I just called to see when you were coming home. I‘ll let mom know.” She states, clearing her throat.

“Thanks.” I tell her with a long sigh. The call ends and I stuff it into my pocket, closing my eyes as I lay my head back against the leather headrest. It feels tight as I push the crown of my head further into it. It’s kept the cold from the night and helps the heat drift away from my scalp.

I’m walking the trail to the bridge wondering if Sam hates me more than before, or if she’s simply disappointed in me. I wish she’d know that I didn’t personally do this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her in that way. Why doesn’t she know that? After all these years as friends and everything I’ve told her, why doesn’t she know?

As I sit against the bridge holding her diary I’m afraid to see what’s inside. She could’ve been okay but my not showing after she asked for me, could’ve been the last blow that sent her world crumbling.

November 7th

Today I saw a part of Robin I never knew existed. Robin and Michele have always fought, sometimes it was a daily thing. But never in all the time I’ve been their friend’s, has Robin looked and acted so hostile towards him.

Family has always been Robin’s breaking point. This I have learned throughout the years, but to react that way towards someone who you’re friends with……I never thought. He honestly scared me. I never want to see him like that again. It’s why every time my form of release gets brought up, I leave him out. He simply does not handle it right in any way, shape or form.

As we grew older Robin’s temper heightened. It was unpredictable and spiraled around us ferociously. It was walking around egg shells for a solid year till we learned his triggers, learned what would eradicate his tolerance. He learned as well to not be so sensitive towards comments and actions. But even through that year he was never so violent and vindictive.

I stayed with Michele all day, Ashley as well. Thankfully his nose wasn’t broken, but I could feel the rip it created between Robin and I. Michele is my best friend. He’s not like Robin, but he means so much to me.

He makes me laugh when I need it, or takes me in when Robin is being distant. But most importantly he accepts me. Whenever I come to him he never questions, just opens his arms and holds me close to keep the demons at bay. They don’t completely disappear like when Robin is around, but they become silent; less active.

So for Robin to hurt someone who I feel is family, hurts me. I can’t look at him in the same light anymore. He’s changed. It may not stay like this always, but for now it has.

This was before she found out I knew. Even then she disconnected from me. But how could she not sympathize with me when it came to Mali? When she knows that Mali is so much more to me than just family. She’s one of my best friends too. With a sigh I turn the page.

November 8th

He’s known. All this time he’s known. Why am I talking about you like you aren’t reading this? YOU ASSHOLE!!! At least you could’ve told me. I would’ve left stuff out. Not that it would’ve saved me. You’ve probably been reading since the first entry.

I bet you already know you’re robin don’t you? Just like you know I’m in love with you. Does it flatter you? Are you surprised or have you known all along? You know it wouldn’t kill you to stop leading me on.

How does it feel ROBIN? To know your mind and thoughts, along with all the feelings attributed to them have been violated. Oh, wait. I’m sorry, you wouldn’t know would you? It’s not your diary being infiltrated.

Do me a favor. FUCK OFF!!

Now it makes so much sense why Michael hates you so much.

Well she was pissed. Quite considerably if I might add. I’d say I was surprised but I’m not. She has every right to be pissed. Here I am invading her thoughts again. But it’s the only way I really know what she’s thinking or feeling. She holds everything back otherwise.

November 15th

I’ve been keeping my distance from you and this. Can you tell? I know you’ve been feeling it. You leave me messages everyday. Sometimes they even come while we’re in school and I have to explain to Luke why I’ve been ignoring you.

Can I be honest? Sometimes they really help. Knowing I’m not alone. Knowing someone else cares. Please don’t stop. Don’t give up on me either. I can’t do this without you. I’ve been trying to get your attention slowly, but you don’t see anything I do. I even had Michael tell you to meet me here tomorrow. Hopefully he can pull you away from your ‘friends’.

Don’t stand me up Hood. As much as I hate to admit it, I need you.

Almost instantly I feel my heart drop to my stomach. My throat’s dried up considerably and I can’t produce enough saliva quick enough to fix it. I never showed. Michael never told me. So how could I have known?

November 16th


Why Calum? After everything you’ve read so far. After everything I told you those times in the Chevy. Why did you just leave me here?

Don’t blame me for the lines I cut tonight. You left me alone. My demons don’t care if I haven’t got enough strength to keep them away. They thrive for it. They LIVE for it. I’ll be haunted tonight by everything that went wrong during the past week.

Thanks Calum. For nothing.

I drop the book. Holding my knees and resting my head against them, I stifle the crying I want to do.

“I‘m sorry. I‘m sorry.” I repeat this over and over as if I think somehow she’ll hear it. But I know she won’t and I’m left feeling drained and worthless once again.

This last thought sends me over and I let the tears escape. I’m sorry Sam. I didn’t know! How could I?! Sam please come back. Please.

They don’t last long but the short while I sat there with the tears falling down my face, I’m frozen all over. I can see my breath as I try to regain it. I know I’ve been here longer than an hour and I should be heading home soon. But there’s still one more entry left and if there’s something I’m supposed to see, today’s the day to do it.

November 19th

We missed you at the lunar eclipse a while back. Are you going to pass up Michael’s birthday too? You can’t hide from your demons forever, or your mistakes. Trust me. I’ve tried.

You’ve seen where it’s gotten me. Nowhere.

Luke seems happier. Have you noticed? I doubt it. You don’t notice anything but what happens to you. I’ve learned that much since the ending of this year.

He’s got a girlfriend. One of Mali’s friends. She said you had even picked her out. Remember that picture she had you look at a while back? The girl you hung out with for all of one solid hour? That was her. She’s pretty right? Luke’s out of her league. But she sees something she likes, especially since I’ve been trying to help him understand how to be more like a guy. If that’s even possible. He’s so much like a machine. I worry about him. He just needs someone.

I had someone. Until you left.

But I didn’t leave Sam. I’m still here.

I’m still here.

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