Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


25. Looking Up to Our Sky// December 19th, 25th

I’m staring at my Christmas tree by the window. It’s quarter to midnight and I should be leaving soon to make my way over to the bridge. My intentions are to call Sam when I get there after I lay out the surprise I have planned. The silver tinsel is laced all around the evergreen tree and multiple ornaments from our childhood hang from the thick branches. The dazzling star is perched directly at the top mere inches from the ceiling.

Mom and Mali had fun decorating the living room with everything red and green. There’s garland strung up along the arches and stairwell, holly berries nestled in between the green fibers. Christmas cards are hung upon a string on our back wall from friends and family. The figurines mom’s collected over the years clutter the shelves and tables. A bright green wreath with pinecones hangs upon our door. It’s the last thing I see as I step out into the cold and drive off toward the bridge.

Once I’m on the trail I exit my car and inhale the smell of the fallen snow and trees. The bark holds a musty moss smell and the snow combined brings in a spring rain scent. The snow crunches under my weight as I walk over to my trunk and open it. Inside it lies two sleeping bags bundled up along with the blankets from our time in the snowstorm. Grabbing all of them I close the trunk back up and walk onto the small trail that leads to our bridge.

Thankful it isn’t snowing or windy I look around me at our familiar place. I see the snow built up on the tree branches and ice surrounding the twigs on them. Although there’s no sign of life at the moment I still feel as though I’ve missed something. Looking onto the ground I see my footsteps and a small faded pair alongside them. The only person who comes by this old place is……Sam.

When I look up I can just make out the bridge ahead. As I readjust the sleeping bags under my arms I furrow my brows in confusion. As Sam comes into focus I can vaguely see a wide smile on her face as she says

“Hey boyfriend! Wanna hear my new diary entry?” I chuckle lightly in response. With a large huff I wander over to her watching the clouds of my breath reappear and disappear just as fast. After reaching the bridge I plop down next to her and use the bridge as support.

She takes notice of the clutter I’ve tossed in front of us. Her eyes look from it to me and back again as she asks

“Do I want to know?” I give a small smile in response, shaking my head. She rolls her eyes and a small laugh escapes.

“Are you going to read me this new entry or do I have to steal it from you?” I joke. Her smile never fades as she nods and I pat my lap for her to sit on. Without hesitation she places herself onto me and leans into my chest. I tense up momentarily from the cold she brings before relaxing as I listen to her.

“You‘ve read last week‘s right?” She wonders, turning her head back to look at me. I shake my head in response, looking down at her while my hands rest along her stomach holding her to me. She simply nods before turning the back to an earlier entry.

December 19th

I don’t think I’ll ever forget what happened a week and a half ago. There’s never been a moment in my life where I actually thought I would end up with you. Ever since we were kids Cal I had learned there was never going to be anyone else. Sure Michael at times had his moments but they were a spark compared to the flame you had ignited inside me.

After everything that’s happened I can honestly say I never thought I would love determination so much.

(“Wait, what?” I ask, confused where this entry has gone. She turns back to look at me and smiles in response.

“If you would stop interrupting and let me continue you‘d understand.” She teases. Chuckling softly I response I say

“Well I‘m so sorry.” sarcastically and lean in to bite on her earlobe. She squeals and leans away from me screaming

“Calum! Stop it!” Before bursting into giggles.)

If that worker hadn’t stayed so late in his job we never would’ve been found. But because he did he was able to see us wedged deeply into the snow on the side of the road. His determination to exceed in his line of work saved us Calum. Without him no one would’ve known where we were and we’d probably be dead.

Yet here I sit writing another entry and you’re at home snug in your bed as you text me. I thought I wanted to die Cal. But now that I have you there’s nothing I want more than to be alive. Without the both of you I would be another victim in winter’s clutches, and I feel so bad that there’s no way I can ever possibly repay you two. So even though he’s never going to see this, I just want to thank the both of you and tell you how appreciative I am over what you’ve done for me; for us.

She clears her throat after finishing and as she breathes in deeply I can feel them coming in shaky. With a gentle smile I lean my head down close to hers, as I kiss her right temple and whisper my gratitude in her ear. Her head turns slowly toward me and a kiss is placed on my left cheek before she returns to reading from her diary in a soft, small and calming voice.

December 25th

Please let today never end. I know you can’t possibly stop time or affect it so that we can relive this moment, but I never want to move on from today. It was so amazing and without a doubt the best Christmas I’ve had in years. Your family made it everything my mother and I could’ve dreamed of. Without you guys our day would’ve been the equivalent to an orphan’s Christmas. Silent, disappointing and all alone.

There was so many things I loved about today it’s hard to pinpoint them all. Your mother’s decorations and how they seemed to make everything warm. Or could it have been the fact that with your family around it actually seemed like a normal Christmas? No matter what we were doing there was always laughter somewhere in that house, something I haven’t heard in a home for a long time. No. Today wouldn’t have meant so much to me without you, or the gift you’ve given me.

I don’t think I’ll ever take this bracelet off. The charms mean too much for me to just set it down someplace. The soccer ball that makes me think of you, or the pizza slice that will always make me think of Michael. The thin silver dolphin which you knew would remind me of Ashton. Luke’s brings a smile to my face every time, it suits him so perfectly. How did you find a charm of multiple stacked books that say study? One of my personal favorites has to be the tally of five you placed on here to symbolize all of us. None of them compare to the one you chose for us. Even now as I write I can’t help but stare at the sun that’s engulfing the crescent moon.

Calum after all of this you really can’t leave me anymore. It would be too hard to function without you let alone trying to breathe. It’s like after all these years of torture and confusion my missing puzzle piece is finally found. If you were to leave me here while you get sent off to the college that specializes in soccer scholarships, I think a part of me would die. The only difference being that you can’t revive it like you have.

It’s days like today that’ll make me miss you even more and I can’t handle life without you. You saw me Cal. I tried and every time I failed to make it through. I need you and moments like today in my life to get through my home life, please don’t leave me and let me go through it alone.

You assure me that with us being together now you’ll never leave. But I don’t want to be the one who holds you back. I’m asking for things that are impossible to accomplish, I know. Maybe in your senior year I won’t hold on so tightly. Do you think we’ll still be together then? I have hope we will. I know I won’t ever give you up or walk away. If I tried to it would hurt me in the process so why would I attempt it?

Time. That’s all I’m asking for Calum.

She ends with a long sigh and all I want to do is keep her here and never let go. I can’t say we’ll be together my senior year but I can say we’ll try to be. Just like Sam it would hurt me to leave her so if we were to part it wouldn’t be my doing. It amazes me how far ahead she thinks and all I’m capable of doing is living in the moments when they happen. With us being together maybe we can even each other out.

Her head turns to look up at me and she must see the wide smile on my face. She giggles momentarily saying

“Your dimples are showing you dork.” I laugh in response and lean my head down to kiss her cheek.

“Stop making me smile if you don‘t want to see them.” I tease, clutching her tightly to my chest. She squeals in response before sighing contently and staring off at my pile of stuff.

“So why is all of that here?” She asks, her eyes not leaving the mass in front of us. With a small smile I release her and begin to get up.

“Hold that thought.” I reply while grabbing the sleeping bags. She watches me as I unfold them and set them up. At first I struggle trying to figure out where the zippers are located on each bag, but once found I link them together. Combined they make it perfect for snuggling. Taking one of the blankets I brought from the car I lay it down on the inside and I place the other one down still folded for when we lie down.

Sam chuckles softly as she watches me dance around to make sure it’s perfect.

“Hey Sam, where‘s the little dipper?” She stands and walks around by me staring up at the navy blue sky. Walking in almost a circle she stops and with a small squint of her eyes, she smiles.

“Right there.” She states, pointing up at a spot a few feet behind me. I slide the sleeping bags down so that it’s right underneath it and offer her to lie down. With a small smile she obliges, and together with a blanket and the zipped up sleeping bag, we stare up at the constellation.

As she uses my chest for a pillow and my arm cradles her side, I look up between the two constellations searching for something.

“You know I always had a song that I associated with you and I but tonight it‘s really stuck in my head.” She admits, not leaving the sky. With a smile I answer

“I have one I associate with you too, but go ahead and give me some of the lyrics.” She shakes her head softly.

“Come on. Please?” I ask with a playful whine. She giggles and nods in agreement.

My eyes still scanning the sky I spot what I was looking for, and before I can open my mouth Sam is softly singing the first verse.

Flashback when we both wore halos.
You were my cure and I was your dark angel.
Fires are meant to burn us,
Fights are meant to warn us.
We could lose it all if we don't reignite this.
When the dark tries swallowing our light,
We can fade or try to make this right.
'Cause when we touch baby no one can deny
Sparks fly.
The best part of the movie every night,
Tell me I'm the one,
And I'll turn off the sun,
'Cause you're the only light I want.

I lean my head down to kiss the top of her head, forehead and as I rest mine on hers I breathe in her shampoo which is still so strong. Without any words spoken after a short moment she raises her head to look at me and our lips envelop each other. My hand cups her right cheek as I hold her here so she can’t break apart before I’m ready. My thumb runs along the top of her cheek slowly as our lips part and close again. Our chapped lips ache once we’re through and as she regains her breath, I lean my forehead on hers once more.

“There‘s one more Christmas present I want to give you.” I tell her, letting go of her face and staring up at the sky.

“Did you leave it in the car?” She asks looking around for it. I smile and can feel myself blush as the thought that this is actually happening comes to mind. I’m worried she’ll hate it or that it won’t have the same meaning to her as it does to me.

“Well than where is it?” She asks with a giggle.

“Do you see that one star that shines brighter than the others in between the two dippers?” I ask, hoping she’ll know which one I’m talking about. She looks up and tries to find the white dot I’m pointing to.

“The one directly in between them?” She asks, uncertain. I nod in response,

“Yeah, what about it?” She asks, still confused.

“Did you know it has a name too?” I ask, feeling the butterflies in my stomach fly around viciously.

“No I didn‘t. What is it?” She wonders, looking up at me.

With a long exhale I say

“Sam Thomas.” She stares at me with furrowed brows.

“No it isn‘t. Cut it out Cal and tell me what it is.” She states, propping herself up on her elbow.

“I‘m serious.” I reply, looking directly at her.

“Since when?” She asks with doubt in her tone.

“As of December 7th of this year.” I state, watching her reaction.

She blinks a few times in disbelief and then looks up at the star once more. I sit up and reach inside my pocket to grab the sheet of paper left inside.

“What?” She asks in a small, quiet voice. Her eyes are wide as the shock plays around on her face. Handing her the paper I watch as she reads the certificate. On it states that the star in that location is named Sam Thomas and below is the date it was branded so.

“You named a star after me?” She inquires with a fading voice. I watch her hand reach up to cover her mouth and the tears well up inside her eyes.

“Well technically I named it after us. But yeah, I did.” I answer, tilting my head to watch her face as she continues to stare at the paper. Her head shakes as it seems to sink in and I worry I fucked this up.

Swallowing down the fear I ask

“You don‘t like it?” Almost instantly her head snaps up. A tear falls from her right eye and she wraps her arms tightly around my neck.

“Of course I like it you asshole! Damn you.” She answers with a trembling voice.

“Shit Sam, you scared me. I thought I screwed something up again.” I state with a small laugh. As I hold her close I can feel her body tense while she tries to stifle the tears.

That night we spent most of it staring up at our new star in a comfortable silence.

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