Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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5. Faulty Stars and Jagged Lines

Besides a few kids in the front of the theater, we were the only ones here. With it being the last showing, everyone was going home. Walking up the stairs toward the middle row, we found one of the lovers seats. Sam was going to sit down on one of the other seats, when I asked

"Why don't we sit here? Then it'll be like watching a movie at my place on the couch." she hesitates, hovering over the half open seat. With a grunt she answers

"Alright." pushing herself back up and walking the few steps over to the combined seat. Sam explained before, that she told Mikey and Mal to go ahead with dinner. She'd make it up to them some other time.


As the previews play through, I get comfortable sitting on my bent leg underneath me. Sam is so small, she leans against the arm with both her legs bent on the chair.

"Thanks for agreeing to watch this with me." I say to break the silence. She looks over at me with a small smile replying

"Thanks for offering." I want to close the small distance between us. Cuddle like we used to on my couch; popcorn, coke and scary movies. Sam would snuggle up to me, underneath the blanket we had and bury her face in my shirt.


I can't help but remember the last movie night we had.


'We had just thrown in the bag of popcorn. It was my turn to put the movie in, tonight it was 'Sinister' her choice. Sam brought our drinks on the table in front of us, the microwave beeped to signal our popcorn was ready.

"I got it." she said with a smile before disappearing into the kitchen again. She came back moments later, with a big bowl filled with the now warm and buttery kernels. Taking our places on the sofa, I claimed the arm with one arm resting atop it. Sam sat down next to me, throwing the blanket on top of us. With it resting in our laps, she curled up to me after grabbing the bowl setting it in my lap.

The popcorn was gone, within the first twenty minutes of the movie. Sam wanted more, but was too into the movie to get up. I set the bowl down on the floor beside the couch, careful not to disturb Sam. Her eyes were glued to the screen as the writer just started the tapes. Once the first began playing, and the hangings started her grip on my arm tightened. I gazed in my peripheral view, watching as the fear crept over her features. Causing her to bite onto her bottom lip, I rested my hand on hers, squeezing lightly.

Minutes pass and he's heard a noise in the hall. As he investigates, we notice a box in the hall. The noise increases in volume and the box slowly opens. Sam is holding on tight, I think the circulation in my arm is cutting off. I can feel her breathing become more rapid, as her gaze never leaves the screen. Once the boy pops out of the box, screaming with his eyes open; Sam jumps. She curls into me further, burying her face in my shirt. A sound that can only be described, as a scream that's been broken off into a squeak; leaves her mouth.

I'm laughing at her as she's yelling

"Turn it off! Turn it off!!" without leaving the embrace I've got her in. Smiling I answer

"It's just a movie Sam. Look he's having a nightmare." she shakes her head and the rumble of laughter further continues in my chest. She hits me with her sweater sleeve saying

"You're mean! That scared the shit out of me, and all you can do it laugh. You're such a wonderful friend." she playfully emphasizes on 'wonderful'. Rolling my eyes, I let her go only to have her clutch on tighter to my hand leaving her waist. Her head lays on my shoulder and I can smell apple cinnamon in her hair.'


The movie is almost over, and I hadn't noticed but Sam's gotten closer. Shailene Woodley is giving her final words at Augustus's funeral, Sam's in tears. I can hear her sniffling and jagged breaths. Without thinking, I bring my arm over and pull her closer to me by her waist. She leans further into me, wiping away tears with her jacket sleeve.

Hazel lays back in the grass, clutching the eulogy Augustus wrote and as the last few lines are spoken, she says

"Okay." before the credits begin. Next to me I hear Sam say in a broken voice thick with emotion

"I do Augustus. I do." with a small laugh I ask

"What was that?" she laughs at herself. Sniffling once more she clears her throat, answering

"Those are the last lines in the book." smiling I question

"Which you've memorized?" she shakes her head, wiping her eyes again.

"No. Just one of the things I remembered." offering her my hand, I get up. Her hand links in mine, intertwining our fingers together before getting up.


Once we've left the theater, my car and few others are the only ones left in the parking lot. It's gotten colder, Sam breaks our hold, to zip up her jacket before intertwining them again.

"Where do you wanna go?" I ask referring to someplace to eat, she sighs lost in thought. With a simple shrug of her shoulders, she smiles looking over at me. Giving a light laugh, I smile too saying

"We can always stop off at Mcdonald's. Then I can drive you home, or we could watch another movie at my place. Up to you." she squeezes my hand and I reciprocate the move.

"Okay. Sounds good, just don't expect me to pay for the meal. Mikey was my wallet tonight." giggling I reply

"Deal. Glad to see you haven't changed Luna." closing the car door behind her as we get in the car, she answers

"Likewise Hood."


After eating we head home and I ask

"So my place, or yours?" looking over at her, as I wait my turn to get in the lane, she shrugs again.

"You're so much help." I reply with a quiet chuckle, she plays with the strings on her hood. Turning into the lane, I make my way towards her house.

"You're taking me home?" she asks with an edge of hurt in her voice.

"You didn't tell me otherwise." I answer softly, defending myself.

"Do you want to hang out at my place?" I question, she looks out the window, looking away from me.

"No. It's fine. Just take me home Cal." she replies in a dead voice.

"Sam I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to." she grasps the cuffs of her sleeves tighter saying

"Just take me home."


Fuck. Already I know I've messed something up.

"What did I do?" I ask genuinely confused, still looking out the window she answers

"Nothing. Just drive." with anger biting into every word. Pulling off onto one of the side roads, I park with the car still running.

"Bullshit. What did I do?" I ask, with my irritation coming through. Sam groans bringing her arm up, resting her elbow on the car door while her hand holds her head.

"Nothing! Can we just drop this? Can you bring me home please?" annoyed with the game she's playing, I yell

"No! If you don't look at me, and tell me what the fuck I did to piss you off, we're gonna stay here all night!"


Her hand reaches for the door handle, and I tug on her seatbelt keeping her in.

"Cal, let me walk home! Since you won't drive me, it's the least you can do!" no. She was not going to leave, still being pissed at me. "No." I answered calmly, putting my hands back on the wheel and driving again.

"What are you doing?" she asks astonishingly

"I'm taking you home." I replied smoothly.

"Thank you." she says relaxing in her seat again.


After I turned onto my street, I hear her question

"Why are we on your street? You do realize, I live like four blocks away from you right?" I parked in my driveway and turned the key cutting life from my engine. As I brought the keys to my pocket, she asks

"Why are we at your house? I thought you said you were taking me home?" pulling out my phone, I answer

"I know and if you remember, you said this was like a second home to you once." I scroll through my contacts. Once I find the right name, I press the green button starting the call.


As the phone rings, Sam questions

"Who're you calling? I told you to take me home." a click in my phone signals the other person answering. Then I hear the familiar voice on the other end,

"Hello?" they ask in a tired tone.

"Hi, Mrs. Luna. It's Calum." Sam is staring at me in bewilderment.

"Oh Calum! It's so nice to hear from you. How're you doing? Is Sam with you? She hasn't come home yet." I smile answering politely

"Likewise Mrs. Luna, I'm doing good. That's what I was calling you about." Sam is still staring at me with her mouth open. I watch as her mouth words

"You called my mother?" and smile wider.

"I took Sam to see a movie with me, and the two of us just got so caught up talking, that we lost track of time. I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to let Sam stay the night at my place. We've got plenty of room for her. I just don't think it wise for us to be driving so late. Especially with us both being so tired, and me already being home."


There's a slight silence on her end. Sam lays back in the seat, shaking her head frustrated with me.

"Absolutely! You don't even have to ask sweetie. A simple call to let me know she's there, is enough. Just make sure she gets home tomorrow." I smile once more replying

"Okay, will remember to do that next time. Goodnight Mrs. Luna."

"Goodnight Calum dear." she answers before ending the call. Placing my phone back in my pocket, I sigh looking over at Sam. To my surprise, she's already unbuckled her seatbelt and leaving the car.


"Where're you going?" I ask rapidly unbuckling my seatbelt and following her out.

"Going home." she says through gritted teeth. Running after her, I grab onto her arm saying

"Look, just stay the night. If you're still pissed at me in the morning I'll drive you home myself." she wriggles out of my grasp. Her look is murderous, but she answers

"Fine." storming off towards my front door. I follow after her, locking my car with the button on my key chain.


Once we're inside, I head upstairs and she slowly trudges up after me. Making my way into one of the spare bedrooms, I say

"You can crash here. Or else bunking with Mali is an option too." I'd like to offer my bed as an option, but she's still pissed at me. So I instantly know that'd be a voided request.Looking behind me for her, I watch her head into my room closing the door behind her. Dumb founded I pursue after Sam, wondering why she went in there.

Opening the door, I stand in shock at the sight before me. Sam is changing into a pair of my sweatpants. Everything tenses in me as I watch the soft cotton fabric, slide up over her thighs. It hangs loosely as it goes over her pink boy shorts and up over her butt.

"Sam." I manage to croak out, still amazed. With a huff, she answers

"What? I'm getting comfortable." and throws her jacket on my floor. It's after her jacket reaches the floor, that I see the scars on her wrist.


Some are pink and jagged, from where they're healed. But there are others, like the ones closer to her wrists; that are still caked in dried blood. I think what stuns me most; gluing me to the floor where I stand, is how many there are. There has to be at least seven on each arm. Only one thought crosses through my mind, why is there so many? Have I really left her alone, that many times?


She left her plain white shirt on, but turned away from me. Stuck her arms in her short sleeves and began unhooking her bra. Within a minute, she stuck one arm back out through her sleeve, and the other slowly came out with her pink bra. Folding it slightly, she placed it inside the jacket on the floor. Then proceeded to pick up the jacket, putting it atop my dresser.

"Sam.." I start to say something, but my train of thought derailed for the thousandth time.

"What Cal?" she asks with a sad sigh. I can only shake my head slightly, before she grabs the hair tie on her wrist. I watch as her fingers loop her hair together, slowly creating a braid.


Making my way over to my bed, I sit fearing I'll fall over if I don't. With a content sigh she sits next to me, laying back on the pillows. Instantly, I grab her arm running my fingers over her cuts. She tries to pull away at first, but then her shoulders slump and she turns her head away. Now I feel as if I should stop, but I can't help holding on tight to her. Feeling as though if I let go, she'll break under me and more cuts will form. This can't be all my fault can it?


"Sam why?" I ask no louder than a whisper. In a dead voice I'm unfamiliar with, she answers

"I needed release Cal. There was no one to help me. So I had to find other solutions to my problems." her voice cracks near the end. Instinctively I pull her close to me, as I lay back onto the pillows. My hand is still holding onto her arm, covering the areas where the cuts lay. I've got it tucked in close to her chest, turning her on her side. My other hand rests under the pillow my head lays on, I lean the bridge of my nose on her shoulder.

"Just don't do it again. Please?" I ask softly, she lays there silent and I wonder if she's sleeping.


I'm holding on so tight, it feels as though my chest is trying to mold her small frame. We haven't done this since the summer, I didn't realize I missed it. If she is sleeping, I don't dare wake her in fear of causing an argument. Tomorrow marks the start of something new. Mentally I make a vow to myself, that she will no longer have to cut these lines in her skin.I'm going to be there, always. I fall asleep peacefully with the smell that's been haunting my dreams, apple cinnamon.

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