Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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31. Epilogue// Sam's POV // March 27th

I’ve watched my own funeral. I don’t think most sixteen year olds can say that. Most sixteen year olds are worrying about finding a date to prom, or what they’ll wear to school tomorrow. But I’m not most sixteen year olds. I’m too damaged to be normal and too strong to be broken. So it only makes sense that my life- or I should say after life- was anything but normal.

We watched our loved ones collapse to the ground after hearing the news. Our mothers screaming in agony because nothing could bring us back. My father became so enraged, he decked the police man who gave them the news. Calum’s father choked back the tears as he asked if they were sure and wanting to know how such a thing could’ve happened. Calum and I held hands as we watched and heard the sad tale of our night.

Drunk driver they said. A trucker who left the bar from the previous county had swerved into the wrong lane. As he drove with squints in his eyes to find the freeway, he never even saw the red light signaling him to wait. We were simply at the wrong place, at the wrong time. The flames engulfed him before the ambulances arrived. Funny thing is we haven’t seen him up here. Which makes me think our souls won’t cross again.

Time passed and funeral’s were held. Friends and people we went to school with came to show their support. Calum couldn’t hold back the tears as the coach approached his father, explaining it was his fault for our death. If he hadn’t sent him off to have fun he might’ve still had been alive. As they embraced one another the weight of him steered Mr. Hood to the ground.

His knees breaking the tumble they almost took. Our families comforted him but he wouldn’t stop crying, screaming in frustration because of his actions. He doesn’t know we never even gave him a thought to the way we left. I’m sorry we can never tell him.

Calum held me tightly as when the eulogies came, Michael claimed he had something to say. Even though no tears were evident, you could see he had been crying. His face puffy and red, eyes bloodshot. I watched him walk to the front of the coffin and open the little black book. He was going to read my last entry.


March 27th

Today I watched you score the winning goal. Your face lit up and every stress in your system evaporated as you fell to the ground. You said there was something you wanted to tell me tonight. I already know what it is. But I won‘t ruin your surprise for you. The news of your acceptance should come from you.

We‘re supposed to be going on a real date tonight. I have to get dressed in my best as you say, and only when we get there will I know where we‘re dining. You‘re so corny but I can‘t deny that I‘m excited. I honestly hope it‘s Etoile Noire. Black Star. You don‘t know it yet, but since the night I first saw it, I looked into the history behind it. I know what it‘s named for.

Back in the depression era there was hardly anything to eat or see. You need money for everything. Food, light, warmth and water. So a woman in her eighties opened her home to people of the public. She claimed that her house was the sky, limitless, and the people under it, were her black stars. All they needed was the love they could provide for one another to light again.

That‘s us Calum. You‘re my sky and I‘m your black star. Together we keep the other going. We give each other a reason for being and I like to think that there‘s something in you that sees that as well. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts to be separated from you. I hope that when we grow old that I‘m the first to go. I cannot imagine a world without you in it.

Tonight I can feel something wonderful is going to happen. I‘m not sure yet what it is, but I know it‘s coming. Calum, we can get through everything so long as we have each other. I know that even with you leaving soon for college that we‘ll be okay. I‘m not afraid of losing you anymore. You‘ve made me strong and if I were to die, I would go willingly. Surely my life cannot get any better than the time you‘ve given me.



The longer he stands there reading, the more his voice starts to break. I listen as he stumbles to get out the last sentence because he knows that everything inside that page is true. I watch the reverend direct him back to his seat and Michael’s head fall into his hands as the sobs escape. I’m filled with a sadness I can’t get rid of. I wish there were a way I could comfort my best friend but I know my place is here and Michael’s is down there.

Not long after the graves drop, it takes everything for me not to scream out in frustration. Calum’s father has to hold back my mother as she calls out my name and begs for my return. She asks why god could take away her only child. She wants to know why he could leave her here without her baby to keep her strong. My tears are coming hard and fast and Calum grips tightly to me as I scream and hit him to let me go. My father should be there. Instead he’s passed out drunk at home and left my mother to go to her daughter’s funeral, alone.

I’m not his daughter. He was never a father to me even as a child and I refuse to give him the name he should’ve earned. My real father stood waiting for me on the other side of the gate as we walked through. Just as Calum’s grandmother was there for him. I know what it is to be loved and he never loved me. I just came with the deal.

Once the funeral is over and everyone heads inside for the reception Calum and I walk away. This was not something we should see. Receptions were for the living, not the dead. It was wrong of us to invade their privacy at a time when everyone was so vulnerable. It seemed only right for us to move on from the experience.

Time has no precedent here. Between the time we spend with loved ones who’ve left and ones we never got to meet, life happens just below us. I know where my time is going to be spent. Just as I know how with time, my loved ones will learn to be happy again. Just like I know my friends will soon drift on to find others who make the time pass easier.

The first year after our deaths, a small ceremony was held in Hangman’s Woods by a group of our friends and people from school. We wanted to go but it felt wrong going only to see them for a short while. There could be no words spoken that they would hear, no actions done that they could feel. So what would be the point of us making an appearance? Simply to know we were missed and we were thought of? We already knew that. Our friends remind us everyday with the thoughts they have and prayers they send.

Michael who swore he loved me and no one else, would soon find he loves another. I wait for their marriage in the spring. They chose the date to be the night we died. So the date would have a better significance than the memory it held previous. The girl he met at Calum’s game would be stunning in her long white gown and him ruggedly handsome in his black tux. He would know I’m there in spirit, and I hope he’ll know I’m happy for him and that I would love to be there.

Ashton would go on to find work with a famous inventor after college. He still works beautifully with his hands and I watch him tussle his hair as he gets lost in concentration. What he doesn’t know is that the invention he’ll create with his female partner, will go on to save thousands in the future. He will of course have found his way back to us before it becomes of good use, but everyone will know it is his creation. Which is why the town will dedicate all it’s future proceedings to his children and the school will hang a plaque in the gym for his work.

Luke sadly joined us a few years after our death. His beautiful brain that got him into college early became tainted with a tumor. He stayed long enough to marry and give his parents grandchildren, before passing in the hospital while he slept. Addie would look to his family for comfort now that he left her as a single mother. Calum would comfort him as he watched his four year old daughter place the white rose on his coffin. Her cheeks pink and her nose stuffy, because daddy will never come home and she doesn’t understand why.

Mali took some time off to grieve with her family. As she grew closer with them she found a new part of herself. By the time she came back to make more music, she basically had an entire album ready to put together. All she needed was the music and the song that would make her famous, is one she dedicated to Calum. You can hear her soft voice over the airwaves daily.

Eventually my mother divorced my father. Not too long after my passing she will adopt a child who’s family died. She worries that I see this as her replacing me. She prays for my forgiveness and hopes I understand that she just wants to be happy again. I want to tell her that I’m thankful she’s giving a child hope and a future that wasn’t available to them before. Instead all I can do is visit her in her dreams and hope she understands the signs I give her.

Calum and I still look as young as we did when we passed. People don’t age here. It calms me to see the familiar face I’d grown to love never unhappy. That’s a feeling we never seem to have here either. I’m not sure what being here will bring. But as I look at the boy I fell in love with so long ago, I know that if we can walk through purgatory together, we can get through anything.

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