Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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6. Deja Vu

Three days. That's how long it was, till I heard from Sam again. She had woken up the next morning and left before anyone could stop her. I've tried to text her, call her, anything to get her to speak to me. But she won't answer me, I wonder if I've pissed her off in some way. That night we spent together, seemed innocent enough to me. Besides my fuck up with almost bringing her home, I can't understand why she'd be avoiding me.

I answer my phone, ceasing the shrill ring.

"Yeah?" the frantic voice on the other line answers

" Hello? Calum? Where are you?" confused I ask

"Who is this?" they sigh. The woman replies

"My name is Karla. I work at the bakery on Violet Avenue. You know, the one right across the street, from the small cinema?" I think back to the place she's referring to.

"Yeah. I think I do. Why are you calling me? Wait. How did you get my number?" I stop walking to the field. Standing outside the lines surrounding the green turf.

"I'm sorry, I had to. You were the only person she wrote down, as an emergency contact." I furrow my brows in frustrated confusion.

"Who?" she sighs once more answering

"Sam. Sam Luna. Wait, you're telling me you didn't know?" I feel my knees shake under me, as a cold wind blows through. Making my soccer uniform billow around my body.

"Never mind. I need you to come pick her up. She's had an accident." instantly I'm sprinting toward the doors leading back inside the school's changing room.

My heart is racing as I leave my street clothes and school bag behind. With my phone still attached to my ear, I ask with labored breath

"Is she alright?" I hear a slight breath given, than extinguished. As if she went to say something, then changed her mind.

"I think you should just get here. I don't think it's a matter I should discuss over the phone. How long will it take you to get here?" she asks, as I push through the doors leading out to the parking lot.

"Maybe ten minutes?" I get out in a huff, as I reach my destination, reaching for the keys in my pocket. Only to realize, I'm still in my soccer uniform. I have to go back to my locker and get my car keys.



"Shit." I mutter under my breath. As I race back to the school, hoping time is on my side, I hear her answer

"Please hurry. She could use a friend right now." her words scare me. What happened to Sam? A click in the phone signals the end of our conversation. My mind is screaming profanities, causing my legs to run faster. Grabbing my bag and clothes from the locker, I catch my breath. Giving myself ten seconds, before I'm running again. Not caring about the open locker, not caring that my lungs are on fire. Not caring about anything, except getting to Sam.

Once I'm in my car, there's not enough torque in my steering wheel, to get me around the corners faster. The red and green lights above me, are just in my way. I ignore them, flying down the streets, hoping I make it there soon enough. Car horns are blaring at me, I know I'm breaking a lot of driving rules. But at the moment, I don't care. My car flies down the corner, almost side swiping the car in the lane next to me. They honk at me, but it's a small humming noise, compared to the rapid beating my hearts doing. It's taken over my ear drums, increasing the volume.

Slamming hard on the breaks, in front of the bakery, I leave my car running. Opening the door hastily, applying all my force into it closing it behind me with a loud slam. Running into the bakery, my eyes scan the place for Sam. I see a lot of faces staring at me in disbelief, possibly wondering if I'm a madman. A light brown haired woman, walks over from behind the counter.

"Sir, are you alright?" my eyes find hers, as she hesitantly reaches a hand out to my shoulder. An older woman comes out from a room in the back.

"Jane what was that-" she stops speaking after noticing me. Her eyes question me, looking me up and down swiftly.

"Calum?" she asks, I nod swallowing in the same motion. Not realizing that my throat is parched, possibly from my labored breaths. She motions me to follow her, and I'm running again. This time though, the outcome will lead me straight to Sam.

I hear Jane trying to calm down the customers that are in line. Assuring them that everything's alright, and to keep the line moving. I wonder what I must've looked like to them, but then I remember I don't care. They can't possibly understand that someone very important to me, is in dire need of my help. That's when it dawns on me. I still don't know why I've been called here, what happened to Sam in the first place.



"So what happened, that you couldn't say on the phone." she looks at me, stopping in her tracks. Grabbing my forearm she pulls, leading me into an office in the short hallway. After closing the door, she walks over to her desk leaning against it. She sighs before asking

"Are you related?" with a shake of my head, I answer no. Her eyes drift to the small window next to her desk, looking out at the small shrubs.

"I don't understand why she chose you than. Most of my younger workers, choose a family member as the emergency contact." her eyes meet mine.

"Jane found her in the bathroom." my stomach drops.

"Is she alright? Where is she?!" I ask, my voice rising with the worry I'm trying to hide.

"She's fine. She's in the kitchen. David our head baker, is dressing her wounds." my hands are starting to sweat.

"What happened?" I ask for what feels like the hundredth time.

"That's what we've been trying to figure out. We keep asking her questions, but she won't say anything. I was very tempted to call an ambulance. But the minute I mentioned it, she started freaking out." my heart shatters.

"Can I see her?" I ask no louder than a whisper. As if flustered, she grunts lifting her slightly heavier frame off the desk.

"I want you to take her home. She needs rest or something. I still think I should call her parents." knowing instantly Sam would object, I say

"No. Please, look. Let me take her home. I'll explain to her folks, but don't call them. It'll make them worry before I get there." she nods before explaining where the kitchen is.


Once inside I see Sam hunched over, while an older balding man finishes wrapping a bandage on her wrist. For the first time since I received the phone call, that brought me here, I smile. Sam's okay. The middle aged man, looks up at me. He says something to Sam, low enough that I can't hear. He pushes himself up with his knees, offering her a hand. She takes it, standing slowly.

"Sam?" I call to her, hoping she'll meet my gaze. Within seconds, I see her stiffen in her uniform. Her head jerks around to look at me. I can't tell, but I think she's afraid of me.That's the only thing I get from her eyes.


Her gaze lowers, focusing on her feet as she walks over to the door, passing me by.

"Sam. Wait." I tell her, but she continues walking. I follow after her, trying to get her attention. She heads to the back, grabbing her things out of her locker.

"Sam. Are you okay? What happened?" I ask softly, hoping to get her to open up. Her locker door slams shut, she answers

"Just take me home Cal. Please." she looks up at me. Her face is drooped down, her eyelids hang heavy. If I had to use one word to describe her, it would be exhausted.

"Okay." I answer, gripping her hand lightly.





With several complaints, I bring her home with me. But just like before, she simply lets her shoulders drop and gives in. My father was working late tonight, and my mother was shopping with Ash's mom, so I was left home alone.

"Where's Mali?" Sam asks with a raspy voice. The same voice I grew accustomed to, when she was comfortable.

"Out with her friends. She said something about needing a girl's day. She offered you to come with, but she said you declined." she makes her way upstairs, when she replies

"Yeah." in a sigh. Following after her I watch as just like before, she heads into my room.


Her things drop onto the floor, she climbs into my bed, and curls into my pillow.

"Sam? You okay?" I ask sitting up against my pillows. I can see the bandage on her left wrist, the blood is starting to show through it. Making the once white cotton, turn a dark shade of burgundy.

"Fine." she says just loud enough that I can hear. Her eyes are closed, and her face for once looks calm.


Almost instantly, she's asleep and I heave a sigh of relief. I get up to change into some sweats and a baggy t-shirt. Kicking off my shoes first, I hear them hit my closet door with a thud. Looking over at Sam,I thank God she's still asleep. I grab the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head. It lands on the floor, walking over to my closet I grab a black shirt. Before I bring it over my head, I stand and with my shirt covering my chest, stare at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is a mess, eyes tired, and my feather tattoo is still bright in color. Smiling, I remember getting it with Ash. While he had gotten a tally mark of five on his wrist, to stand for the five of us. The friendships we shared, funny I never thought we'd lose each other like this.

With a sigh, I throw the shirt over my head. Fixing the hem, so it straightens out. I grabbed a pair of gray sweat pants, shuffling out of my shorts. Leaving them on the floor, before bringing the pants over my blue boxers. Now fully comfortable, I crawl back into bed. Sam lays next to me, still sleeping. What happened? How could her days since she left, have gotten so bad that now she's reverted back to this? Looking over at wrist, the bandage needs to be replaced. The only evidence that it was once white, is the edges and the back that's taped below her hand.

Laying on my back, I look up at my tan ceiling. Taking care to stare into the small hairline cracks from old age. The trim above the wall, needing a fresh coat of paint as the jagged holes, expose the beech wood underneath. I hear a small grunt next to me, Sam inches closer to me. Her right arm slings over me, her forehead resting on my torso. She takes a deep breath, before they slow and I think she falls asleep again. I let out a sigh, placing my hand on her lower back.

"More." she says not much louder than a whisper.

"More what?" I ask, surprised she's awake. Her grip on me tightens before she answers

"More sleep." I let out a small laugh, telling her

"So sleep cave woman. 'Sam need sleep.' " she giggles, nestling her face further into my chest. Her ear lays where my heart is.



"I missed you." I say loud enough for her to hear. I hate being this open, but she's the only one who I can be this way with. Something tells me too, that she needed to hear that. Even if it was just once.

"I miss you all the time." she whispers, with it I feel dampness on my shirt. I can feel her nails dig into my side, before the sniffles come.

"Why wouldn't you answer my calls or texts Sam?" I ask softly, her frame shakes. My head lowers, to look at the back of hers.

"It hurt too much." she answers with a cracked voice, so small that it doesn't belong to her.

"How? Help me understand. Please." I ask, she turns her head, to look up at my face. The tip of her nose touches my cheek, I can feel her warm breath on my face. I watch as the tear falls down her cheek, when she says

"I don't want to get wrapped up in you again, only for you to disappear without a trace." with every other word broken off by her choking back sobs. My hand rests on her cheek, as my thumb wipes away the fallen tear.



My heart feels like it's tearing in two. Why did I let something so trivial, hurt someone so important to me? Sam's happiness is something I crave, now that it's no longer here. I wrap my arm around her waist tighter, pulling her closer to me. Bringing her head, into the crook of my neck. As we lay there side by side, I tell her something that should've been said, the last time she was here.

"Never again Sam. I'm sorry." she holds me tighter. Her tears falling harder, causing her to tremble underneath my grasp.

"I'm sorry." I whisper again in her ear. She nods, but doesn't loosen her grip on me.


How could I have possibly broken her? How is she this shattered? But more importantly, how can I fix this much damage? What could I possibly do, to assure her that I'm not leaving? Never again. I'm glad there's no school tomorrow, maybe I can occupy her time. Bring us all together, like how we used to. I have to refrain from punching my pillow, as more tears hit my neck. I'm more pissed at myself, because I'm the one who did this to her. If I was her, I wouldn't forgive me.

Between my shushes, to keep her quiet and her deep ragged breaths, she calms. Soon she's asleep in my arms. I hate that she had to cry, to reach that point though. She should never have to cry herself to sleep, to reach that point of exhaustion. I wonder how many times, she has to do this. In order to get any rest, is this a nightly thing for her?Uncontrollably I grip onto her shirt tighter, so my hands are filled with it. I don't deserve to be happy, not if she is this unhappy with her life.

That's when it hits me. I haven't been to the bridge in days. A panic rushes through me, I hope the owner is still okay. Later tonight, when Sam goes home, I'll make a trip out to the bridge. I have to know, that whoever writes in that journal, is still making entries. That whoever they are, is still alive.

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