Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


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16. Constellations and Confrontations// November 6th

November 6th

‘No one’s going to fix me when I’m broke.’ I love that line. Today would’ve been a bad day, if Robin hadn’t made it better. Apparently the only reason Michele puts up with me, is because I give him blow jobs behind the school under the bleachers. I broke right then. Michele means everything to me. I’m not even going to tell you what he did, to some of the jocks that were branding me with the name ‘Easy’ ‘Slut’ and my personal favorite, ‘Michele’s fag partner’ because they still remember how I look like a boy.

I was taken out of school early, I called my mother. Once she knew it was a ‘bad day’ that’s all that needed to be said. I spent the entire rest of the day in bed, Robin joined me later and we laid next to one another just talking. Careful not to give too much away because my mother has big ears. But he knew I didn’t want to leave my house, not even to go to our special place next to this old bridge.

He is the only one who keeps me sane. Never in my life have I felt what I feel when he sews me back together. The only way I can describe it is that at first I’m overcome with love over the fact he doesn’t leave. Then comfort slowly follows after, leading into happiness because I’m no longer crying.

Sometimes though I wish he’d listen when I tell him he should be more careful. No one seems to care enough to tell him to wear seatbelts while driving, or to slow down. He doesn’t always forget, but when he does a part of me cracks every time. If I was a mirror no one would be able to fully see their face, from the many jagged lines in the reflection.


I’m conflicted. A part of me feels like Sam is better, but she’s still not fully together. Would she ever be? I hoped so because every time I fix her I can feel a part of me burn out. If I have to fizzle out so she can burn brightly then so be it, but this tug and pull that’s been happening lately is tiring me out.

It’s been taking a toll on my soccer games and practices. Coach has benched me twice this week because I’m fumbling with the ball too much. I don’t do it on purpose, but with my mind not on the game and then I’m so tired all the time; I just don’t focus. This isn’t what I wanted to have going for myself this year.

There’s not one part of me that blames Sam. But I do wish that things wouldn’t be so bad for her all the time, that maybe I can breathe normal for a week. Things didn’t seem to be too awful once Halloween was over and we got to talking in the old Chevy. But now that one less brick is on her chest, more tumble down onto her.

No one sees her like I do. Everyone’s just jealous, and it didn’t help that Regan screwed things up by becoming her friend at the start of the year. Since Sam called her out on being a bitch, when Regan shared too much information about Sam’s personal life; she’s done everything she can to make Sam’s life miserable. Now the two are at odds with one another and Regan’s doing all the mental work. She’s just like Cara. The only difference is that Regan is worse, because she’ll let you think she’s sweet before screwing you over. Where in Cara’s case you know from the start that she’s a bitch.

Slamming the book shut I slide it back into place behind the stone. Laying my head against the cold bridge, I breathe out watching the clouds of my breath form like the vapor from a cigarette. Then I hear footsteps. Turning my head I notice a tiny silhouette coming into focus, with their jacket hood up. Smiling I know it must be Sam.

Standing, I wait till she sees me before I wave and walk toward her. Her face shows shock first but then fixes into the familiar smile I’m used to. She’s just showered. I know this, because her still damp hair is filled with the scent of apple cinnamon. Inhaling slowly I can’t help but smile wider as we make small talk walking the short distance to the bridge.


Once we’re sitting, she puts her hands in her jacket pockets.

“What are you doing here? I thought you‘d be sleeping by now.” She asks looking up at me. Shrugging in response I answer

“Just wanted to get out tonight. Been studying in my room for too long, I got restless.” honestly, while staring up at the small white dots in the navy blue sky above us. We can never see the stars like this closer to home, there’s too many lights.


“What about you?” I ask, staring at her small curved face. She’s not wearing any make up, not even eyeliner which she never leaves home without. She kinda laughs but then sighs, staring down at her shoes.

“I figured if I had to be alone tonight, I‘d want to be alone here; where I don‘t mind the quiet.” She says clearing her throat. So tonight’s one of those nights, than I’m glad I was here.


Looking back up at the stars I bring my hand down and find hers in her pocket. Intertwining our fingers I hold on tightly to her. Not even when she looks up at me to see if I’m staring. After a small smile appears on her pale pink lips, I smile in response. Her gaze returns to the stars, and then she makes an observation I’m glad we were able to see.


“The little dipper is out tonight.” Looking up I try to see what she does, but my unknowing eyes don’t see.

“Where?” I ask with a nervous laugh. She lets out a small laugh, but points up at a small cluster of dots.

“There. I wonder if Orion’s Belt will make an appearance.” I stare at the white stars, but can’t find any that don’t look like the other fifty that are there.

“Wait. Hold on, what am I supposed to be looking at?” I ask still clueless.


She laughs and I’m brought back to last summer. We’re in her room and she’s laughing at me, as I dance in front of her mirror singing along to the Spice Girls.

“Calum, it‘s not that hard. Look.” She points again. I follow her gaze and can feel her shift closer to me. Her hand unlinks from mine, before placing both of them on the sides of my head. She guides my gaze to a group that are closer together, so they aren’t as spaced out like the rest.

“Do you see that long line of stars? The one that seems to be connected to that square of stars?” She asks in a soft voice close to my ear. It sends goosebumps down my arms, but I’m not sure if it’s from her or the wind. I nod, afraid my voice will fail me.

“That‘s the little dipper.” She clarifies, leaning her head on my shoulder.


Exhaling slowly, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. Sam has never done this to me before, and I’m not sure why tonight is so different from any other. Turning my head to stare down at her, I watch her lips part and close. Seeing the small clouds evaporate almost as soon as they form in front of her. She inches closer, tightening her grip around my arm.

“It‘s gotten so cold.” She states, zippering up her jacket.

“Yup.” I agree, still staring at her tan defined face.


She looks up at me, so I can fully see her face. Notice every crevice, imperfection and detail that makes it up. How her high cheekbones stick out like sharp edges. Or the small scar in her right eyebrow creates a difference between the two.

“What are you doing?” She asks in a whisper. I want to answer her, but her lips have my attention now. I stare at her fuller bottom lip, wanting to pull on it. Wanting mine to connect with hers. Feel her face in my hands as I kiss her softly, wanting there to be nothing else but our bodies next to one another.


Clearing my throat, I look back up at the sky searching for the constellation.

“Nothing. Sorry.” I answer, hoping she’ll drop it.

“Hood. You are the weirdest.” She states with a laugh. Smiling, I focus on the stars instead of the images clouding my thoughts of what could be. I know if I don’t I could be leaving here with something to cause attention. Explaining that to Sam would be embarrassing enough, without having to tell her she was what caused it.


The rest of the night was spent in comfortable silence. The only thing heard between intakes of breath was our combined beating from our hearts. Her small frame resting atop my chest, while my hands held her to me at her stomach. Her frozen hands resting onto mine, before I intertwined our fingers once more. The smell of her shampoo floating around us, with the smell of wet leaves the rain left a couple hours ago.
*******************************

We were woken early the next morning by light cold rain. It hit our faces slowly, causing us to shift around uncomfortably. Then it fell hard and fast, we jolted up. I started running down the path toward my car, when I noticed Sam wasn’t following. Looking behind me, she was staring up at the sky with eyes closed. Her hands were outstretched, palms up catching the drops as they fell.


“Sam! What‘re you doing?!” I yelled at her from my spot on the trail. She seemed to smile before lifting her hands up higher and twirling slowly. Smiling. She was smiling about being stuck in the rain, in the beginning of November. Of course she was.


Running back toward her, I grabbed her by the arms.

“Sam. Come on, we gotta go!” She stared up at me. I watched the drops of rain fall from her nose and eyes. Dripping off her hair into her dark blue jacket which was already soaked, and now looked black. Grabbing onto her jacket was like grabbing on a drenched towel.

“Just a minute longer. Please?” She begged, bringing her hand up to my face. It was freezing and her fingers were like ice. I knew she shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t say no. Nodding in agreement I watched her smile light up brighter, before she kissed me on the cheek and continued dancing in the rain.


Taking off my jacket, I brought it around her and helped her in it. She was not going to get sick. I was not going to lose her like that. Doing this made me freeze, but watching Sam smile while twirling in the rain made it worth it. I hadn’t seen that smile in so long, I was afraid she’d forgotten how to smile like that. That wide smile which caused the dimples in her cheeks, and the crease of lines next to her eyes. She looks like a kid on Christmas morning.

Groaning with a smile, she finally gives in. We’re racing back to the car and I can smell her shampoo again. But this time it brings me back to the last time I smelled it. A time when I wasn’t sure what it was. Back when I chased her into the woods. Why hadn’t I seen it then?

Sitting in my car we’re soaked. I turn the engine over and blast the heat. Sam’s heavy breathing is fogging up my windows. Clearing my throat I buckle myself in, making sure Sam can see. I watch her smile slightly before buckling herself in. My teeth are chattering so I clench my jaw to stop them. The heat finally kicks in, and soon the car is no longer an icy cage imprisoning me.


As I drive out of the thin gravel road, the only sound in the car is my tires running over the small rocks. Sam’s the first to break the silence.

“Are you completely upset with me? I know I shouldn‘t have danced in the rain, but I haven‘t done it in so long. In that moment, with you there it felt right.” She admits, staring down at her hands. Sighing relaxes me, and soon the chattering starts again. I shake my head no, knowing that if I speak all she’ll hear is my teeth.


Before she can ask anything else, her phone goes off. She answers after the second ring and then it’s quiet again. The roads are clear besides the occasional car, making it easier to see through my rain stained window.

“What? Are you sure?” I overhear Sam ask.

“But how could he-?” She starts to ask but the other person cuts her off.

“Sam. What‘s going on?” I ask in between chatters. She holds up one finger, signaling me to wait. I turn the corner off the main road and head onto our street looking for my familiar white house.


“Okay. We‘re coming.” She says with a sad sigh.

“Yes. He‘s here with me.” She confirms to the other person. I stop in front of my driveway waiting for further instructions. She hangs up the phone and looks up at me with heavy eyes.

“I‘m so sorry.” She says with furrowed brows.

“Sorry for what?” I ask, looking around the street for any oncoming cars.



She runs her hand through her hair, bringing a hair-tie from her wrist to braid it.

“That was Ashton. Apparently Michael started something with a jock from school. They started fighting and before anyone could do anything, his fist went flying.” She starts, looping around the band at the end of her hair.

“Well we‘ve dealt with that before, where is he? At Ash‘s house hiding out?” I inquire, riding out of my street and onto the main road again.


She shakes her head slowly staring down at her hands. More specifically at her phone as she rubs the screen with her forefinger.

“No. They‘re in the parking lot of the café.” She answers with a sigh.

“Why would they be at a café? Michael doesn‘t drink coffee, I know Ash does but he prefers to have his coffee at home.” I state knowingly, turning onto a familiar road that leads me to a local coffee shop we visit. The roads are starting to become busier, more packed as people drive their way to work.


“It wouldn‘t surprise me if Michael was trying to impress a girl that worked there. Was that it? But why would you need to apologize for that? It‘s not your fault Michael‘s an idiot.” I reply, speaking my thoughts aloud. Sam clears her throat and parts her lips to say something, but can’t so she closes them again. With a swallow, she runs her hands over her braid.

“It‘s not like that Calum. Just listen okay?” She asks in a quiet voice. Groaning, I nod waiting for her to continue, wishing she’d just spit it out already.


Turning to face me, her eyes are drooped down bringing the corners of her mouth with them.

“It wasn‘t Michael who got hurt this time.” She starts, careful with her words. I want to ask more questions, but I agreed to just listen this time, so I nod so she’ll continue.

“Ash and Michael had been out all night. Luke was with them but went home around midnight. Michael had too much to drink so Ash thought it‘d be good to get some coffee in him. But when he got there, he didn‘t know the jocks would be there with their girlfriends.” She continues explaining what Ash told her on the phone.


“As I said the fists went flying everywhere. The workers tried to break it up, but it‘s mostly females this time of the morning. Then someone who knew Michael tried to get his attention. Someone who‘s been friends with all of us.” It dawns on me who she’s talking about. But as I park into the lot behind the café, I don’t need her to continue to confirm my suspicions. Sitting on the back of Michael’s car is my sister, her face bloodied and make up running as more tears fall. I’m going to kill him.

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