Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


14. Brighter Days?// October 11th, 18th, 30th

October 11th

I can’t. This hurts too much. My heart literally feels as thought it’s being torn from the inside out. I think what makes this hurt in this way, is that he didn’t care. Robin did not care that I shunned him aside. Instead he came to my rescue. How can he possibly care this much? I know I don’t mean anything to him, he proved that conclusively!

How can I continue to look at him day after day after what he just did? I can’t. I can’t! No. This scares me too much, I need to go. Just get away for a while, but I can’t do that either. There’d be too many questions when I returned. Maybe I don’t need to return. No. I have to. It hurts to not be around him, fuck, why do I need him?

These leaves keep spiraling around me. It’s calming watching them dance in the wind, they’ve dried so much that it takes nothing for the wind to pick them up. What I wouldn’t give to be one of them, letting the wind take me somewhere new. But even somewhere new doesn’t change my memories. Doesn’t change how I feel. I’d still be haunted with memories of him.

I know what I have to do. I just thought I’d have more time. Eternal sleep never sounded more welcoming than it does right now.

Fuck. I know there’s more entries, but I can’t believe they almost…I can’t say it. Or think it. Maybe they didn’t. Maybe someone changed their mind. I mean something obviously happened for them to still be making entries. Oddly enough, this just makes me think of Sam. How she almost…but we got to her in time.

October 18th

I’m still here. Though I wish I wasn’t. I’m trying to convince everyone that the whole experience scared me from doing it ever again. That I wasn’t thinking straight. But truthfully? I’m just thinking of another chance I can try it again. But this time, I won’t be so close to someone who’ll find me. To think I was mere minutes from peace.

Now I understand why Michele hates hospitals. I’m beginning to hate them too. They are the reason I’m stuck living through this hell of my life. They are the reason I have to stare into his wide innocent eyes, and lie over and over and over again! He doesn’t deserve that, he never did. But yet, here I sit thinking of the next way to hurt him.

I don’t want to. I don’t. But it hurts to know the pain I caused him. It hurts knowing I’m the reason he can’t be happy. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this!

But in a way, we’re both lying to each other. He’s told me some whoppers today that’ll spin your head. For a minute, he had me believing them. He had me buying into the fact, that he loves me. They’re lies though, every word. Even though I wish them to be true, and I crave his affection, I know we were never meant to be like this.

Since the first initial heartbreak, my heart has never healed. I can still love and care with the rest of it. But that one part that was meant for him, crumbled and never healed. I don’t think it ever will, he’s broken it too much for it to be healed.

I guess in a way it’s a blessing. It’s the one thing that reminds me why I should let go. Why I should just end it all. Because who wants a broken person? I know. No one. It requires too much effort to put people back together. So why should I hold out for someone special, when I know no one will love me in that way.

Maybe the devil will let me see my funeral. I’d like to be present, just to see who shows besides my parents. I already know that no one will, but I want confirmation. I need confirmation to tell me I’m not worthy enough for other people’s affection for me. So yes, I hope he will let me see. Let me feed my self pity and hate. I may even become his favorite tortured soul.

My god. I can’t read this anymore. They just keep getting worse! How am I supposed to help someone who has no idea how to receive it? I groan in frustration, before slamming the book shut. There’s one more entry to read, but I need a break.

I stand by the bridge, knowing I have to leave soon. School will be starting soon, and I can’t use this as an excuse to receive a warning. Sighing I lean against the bridge, bringing the flaps of my jacket closer to my sides. I hug them to my chest as the cold air lingers here.

I stare at my black converse, lost in thought. When I got dressed this morning, I never expected this much to be going through one person’s mind. By the time I put on my black skinny jeans, I was trying to remember if I had eaten breakfast yet. Running my hand through my hair, I exhale silently. Watching the clouds of my breath drift away with the wind.

Pulling my white America shirt down, I slide down the wall of the bridge again. Opening the journal again, I look for the last entry. Stumbling upon the black letters and blank pages, I slide my hand in the crease of the book. Today’s date.

October 30th

I’ve been busy. My thoughts have been clouded momentarily with thoughts of him. But also with thoughts of my future. I think I know the perfect way to go about it. But it won’t be any time soon.

Smiling comes easier now. That I have noticed. Especially since everything’s already planned! Now it’s merely a countdown. Checking off the days till. This is the happiest I’ve felt in a long time. I wonder if Robin knows? He’s been really good at reading me, but I’m still unsure if he knows.

Tonight, I’m momentarily forgetting my stresses. Tomorrow is my night. Always has been, always will be I feel. Tomorrow I can pretend to be something I’m not. Pretend for once, I’m this demented being instead. But this time, I won’t get ridiculed for it. I will for once in my life, be accepted.

You can’t see it. But I’m smiling! Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. The air is colder, softer. The leaves that are still on the ground, crunch just right. The entire leaf is dry and light, easy to crunch no matter how you step on it; easy for the wind to lift up, making it dance in the streets. The familiar sound of laughing children, innocence at it’s finest. They have no idea there could be ghosts, goblins, even demons waiting for them around the next corner. Tonight is the night when the line between the living and dead is at it’s finest. There’s a possibility we could run into some unwanted company.

I’m still a child. This fact I’m very well aware of. But if you go through life not believing in this kind of stuff, or simply playing along with it; where’s the fun? If you stifle your childish tendencies, you simply become another face in a sea of adults. You’re never meant to kill the child in you. It’s what keeps life fun, what keeps things interesting on days when you’re bored.

I have to go, even though I really don’t want to. But I won’t have time to grab my books before class starts, before the bullying starts. Today’s Friday, just one more day. One more day to put up with their shit.

Checking my phone, I hastily stuffed the diary back in the bridge. Then ran the entire way to my car. I knew I should’ve waited to read the last one! Hopefully I can make it back before the bell rings. My lungs ache from the cold air, my fingertips frozen to the bone.

The classes were long and didn’t do anything to capture my attention away from the diary entry. I wish I knew who this was. Maybe there’s a way I can convince them to stop, the counselor seems to think that I should leave them something. But what could I leave them that wouldn’t scare them away? Stop them from finding a new place to write their dark secrets in.

It’s not until I’m alone in the classroom, that I notice the bell rang.

“Calum? Is there something wrong?” Mr. Gast asks while erasing the board. I stand from my seat, holding my books and shoving my pencil in my pocket.

“No. Sorry, just lost in thought.” I answer, not really looking at him as I walk out the door. He calls out to me, but I continue on down the stairs and outside onto the field.

“We won‘t be out long today, it’s cold and the last thing I need is you guys getting leg cramps.” The coach screams at us over the wind, after we’ve dressed in our uniforms.

“I want us to run some drills today, then we‘ll spend the rest of the hour finishing up some worksheets in the gym.” He explains before blowing his whistle. Just like that, we’re off.

It’s nice to run off these frustrations. It wouldn’t affect me so much, but I feel so helpless. There has to be something I can do, anything! I run faster, like if I run fast enough I can escape my thoughts. Jared lingers behind me, I wonder if he can tell there’s something wrong. I’m wearing the face I always do when I practice. I’d be surprised if he did catch on, Kevin isn’t here though. I wonder if he’s ditching.

I’m thankful, with him not here it means I won’t have to look over my shoulder. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him all week. I wonder if he’s done something to get himself suspended. Maybe he beat some kid up in front of the principal. There’s also the possibility he got caught cheating, there’s no way he’s got an average ‘C’ by himself, he’s too stupid to do all that work himself.

Laughing at my thoughts I can feel my throat closing up, this cold is hell compared to earlier. I hope it’s not this cold tomorrow, a jacket will really kill my costume. But knowing me I’ll wear it anyway just because I don’t want to get sick and miss school. The last thing I need is to miss out and then my grades will slip, and I’ll miss practice which will hurt my chances of a scholarship. If I want to leave, that won’t happen.

Jared flies past me, laughing with a smirk as he looks back at me. He’s always been a little slower than me, since he’s a little heavier than I am. So him passing me, lets me know I’ve slown down quite considerably. Smiling, I pick up speed feeling like my lungs are shriveling up. He smiles lightly as we finish up and head inside the building toward the gym.

“Where‘s Kevin?” I ask Jared once we’re sitting the bleachers. He’s scribbling away at the worksheets, not really looking at me when he answers

“Not really sure. I think coach said a couple days ago that he‘s on sick leave. Something about pneumonia.” I’m lost in thought staring at my blank page. Well at least I won’t have to deal with him for a while.

When I get home I call up Ash and head over to his place. He’s watching Halloween with Sam, Michael and Luke. I go to close the door, but the wind slams it shut.

“Sorry. That was not my fault.” I answer to the shocked faces turned toward me.

“Hey Hood.” Sam answers with a smile. I smile back as the guys reply with their greetings.

I’m sitting on the floor, against the sofa and while Jamie Lee Curtis is running from Michael, I can feel a hand grip tightly on my hoodie. Looking up I can see Sam leaning closer to me. Michael has his arm draped around her side, but that’s not enough for her. I smile returning my gaze to the screen, knowing she’s as into the movie as I am.

Luke is sleeping sprawled over the arm, his glasses have fallen to the floor. Ashton looks like he’s falling asleep as well but his phone keeps him awake. I needed them today, I wondered if this night would’ve gotten cancelled if it rained. Part of me is glad it didn’t though, even if I would’ve enjoyed the smell of wet leaves tomorrow.

Leaving Ashton’s house, I wonder if Luke is camping out there, or if he’ll wake him. Sam and Michael left an hour ago, and I’m just now heading home. Ash and I got lost I conversation. We seem to be doing that a lot lately. I see it as a good thing since that means I’m getting my friends back. Now he won’t just think when I talk to him, it’s just about Sam. Apparently his girlfriend thinks we should do something different for Michael’s birthday. Normally we spend it gaming and treating him to an all you can eat buffet of pizza at Gino’s. It’s the one day he looks forward to, but she wants to have a party where we can invite everyone.

He doesn’t want to upset her though so he thinks we should at least consider it. She has him so whipped, he doesn’t need someone like her, she’s a bitch. I’ve only seen her around once at school, but the way she carries herself just makes me think she is one. He even buys her flowers every other day so that ‘She feels special’ her words not his. The only time a girl deserves flowers is on special occasions and her birthday.

That’s when it hits me. I know what I can do to help this person see they aren’t alone. There is something I can do, I just don’t know if it’ll help them or scare them. I hope it’ll help them, I mean flowers cheer everyone up, right? What kind should I choose though? What if their allergic? What if I put them into anaphylactic shock?! Shut up Calum. You won’t send them to the hospital.

Flowers. I can do this, I stop at a store and find the brightest tulip I can find. After purchasing it and riding the short distance from the store to the bridge, I leave it tucked away sticking out from behind the stone which hides the diary. If someone were to look at the bridge for the first time it’d look as though the Tulip were growing out of it. Looking around once more I make sure I’m alone as I walk back to my car, hoping that whoever owns the diary finds it first.

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