Diary of Secrets

Calum thought soccer was everything.....until he read Sam's diary.


23. Always Have Been

I can hear the wind whip around us as I readjust in my seat and take note of my surroundings. I can’t see shit. Everything’s white. Looking to my side I see Sam is slowing moving about as well. Her lips are a light shade of purple and her jaw is tight to prevent her teeth from chattering.

“W-w-w-w-where ar-r-rre we?” She wonders while curling into herself more, and tucking the blanket all around her.

My eyes squint as I try to focus on anything in the blizzard around us. The most I get is tree trunks in the darkness.

“I think we crashed in a ditch on the side of the road. We‘re now somewhere on the edge of the woods.” The cold is outside now but if I can’t start this car and get the heater going, we’re going to freeze.

“Ca-a-an we g-ge-e-et out-t-t?” She asks, clutching the blanket tightly to her small frame.

Looking around I relocate myself in my seat and turn the key. The engine sputters in response and no matter how many times I turn the key, I can’t get it to start. With the engine not turning over it confirms what I feared. We’re going to freeze and with Sam still wet I’m going to lose her. As I look over at her, I watch the fog of her breath linger for a second as she huffs. Her eyes see me and I shake my head to answer the question in them.

All at once she breaks. Inside I can feel myself shattering as her tears spill over. Her hands cover her face but they can’t muffle the cries she lets out. If I were smart I’d say something to get her to stop. But there’s nothing I can say that she doesn’t already know, or has heard before. So instead I sit there and look out the windshield, watching as the wind whips the snow around us. The whirlwinds of small white flakes, spin in front of us and down the road where I wish we were.

I sit staring at my hands in my lap as Sam sniffles beside me. Her tears have quieted but I feel she still hasn’t gotten a hold of herself yet. So I wait with disappointment resting on my shoulders as she calms down. Disappointment because once again I can’t do anything to help her. The few options that come to mind are void because it requires either one of us separating from the other. Something I’m never doing again and Sam for obvious reasons can’t step outside.

I find myself chewing on the side of my mouth. It’s not until I break skin and the sore swells that I stop. With a taste of iron on my tongue I risk looking again at Sam. Her glassy eyes stare over the dash at the snow that’s accumulated on the window. The last of her tears streaked onto her cheeks leave a reminder that she’s still not okay.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I reach over and grab her hand. She grips onto it tightly letting a long shaky sigh escape.

“W-what d-d-do we d-do no-o-ow?” She asks with chattering teeth. Clearing my throat to steady my voice, I say

“All we can do is wait and stay warm till the storm calms.” She nods in response laying her head back into the seat.

Our breath fogs up the windows as the silence fills up the car. It surrounds us and thickens the air; tainting it. The silence weighs down on my chest making it hard to breathe. Making it seem as though I’m fighting for every intake of breath and choking on every exhale. My pulse accelerates beneath my skin, quickening my breathing.

On impulse I tighten my grip on Sam’s hand. Her eyes look over at me from the passenger seat, and her thumb runs up and down the back of my hand. With every stroke my pulse calms; my breathing slows. As though I’m rejoining the world again, slowly I can hear Sam’s voice fade back into my hearing. Her voice is unsteady and shaky, but familiar.

“D-d-d-don‘t le-eave me. Oka-ay?” She says with a quivering lip. I nod in response and physically shake myself. Now is not the time to have a panic attack Calum. I can’t believe we’re stuck here without any kind of help available. I should’ve hit that damn deer, I should’ve called Sam. We should’ve never have been here to begin with. We should be sitting in my living room watching cheesy horror movies.

I stare at her, and she’s swallowing down another gasp of breath to help control her chattering teeth. But it does little to no help as they start up again. She holds tightly onto her arms, hugging herself to keep the heat she’s accumulated. She looks over at me and for a moment I think she’s going to start crying again. But then the devastation that was once in her vivid green eyes, turns into hatred.

“Why the h-h-hell did-d you ignore me H-hood?!” With a long sigh I look away. Somehow I knew I’d be getting this from her. I just hoped it would be in a hospital bed where she’s warm. Not while she’s still wet and freezing inside my broken down pile of scrap metal.

“I wasn‘t ignoring you.” I answer softly in hopes to calm her.

“Bulls-shit!” I smile slightly at her attempt to be pissed, but her frozen state leaves it hard for her to have a bite to her tone.

“S-stop smiling you j-jerk! I‘m s-still pissed at y-you!” She screams, slapping the right side of my face. Her hand is so cold it’s like getting pelted with an ice ball.

“Fuck Sam.” I retort, rubbing the spot she struck. She shakes her head in disbelief or frustration.

“I‘m sorry okay? I truly am. I thought with everything that was going on with your folks that you‘d push me away. I mean isn’t that what you did when I was there for Thanksgiving? What else am I supposed to think? You are so unpredictable and I never know what you‘re thinking anymore unless I read your diary. But lately that hasn‘t been enough either! It‘s like you‘ve given up on any kind of source to release that doesn‘t involve hurting yourself! Sam if I didn‘t know you any better I‘d think you were just doing this shit to get attention!”

Sam looks away from me. Her eyes are glazed over with another glassy haze. I assume what I’ve said has hurt her but she opened this Pandora’s box, there’s no where for her to run and I have time to kill. She wants to point fingers and assign blame, open up wounds she thinks are still there; so can I. I don’t want any of this to be a problem anymore. If she wants to talk about her problems, we’re going to talk about all of her problems. Not just the ones she thinks will make me look like an asshole.

“I‘m sorry. I understand if you think I‘m being a dick, but you started this Sam. So now together we‘re going to end it once and for all.” She bites down on her lip but it still trembles from the cold. She shakes her head in response. I assume it’s because she’s afraid her words won’t come through how she wants them to. In the tone she wants them to come out in.

Clearing my throat I raise myself from my seat and shift to face her. I turn around completely so my back is facing the windshield. Using all the strength I can I relocate myself, careful not to jab myself in the ass with the steering wheel. I bring my leg over the tray between our seats and bring it behind Sam’s seat. Using the seats to steady myself I push forward and bring the other leg forward as well, before falling face first onto the back seats. With a long exhale I lean back onto the window and bring my feet onto the seats, completely comfortable. Maybe with me back here she won’t feel so exposed.

We sit in silence for a while. I’m watching the snow fall through the semi clear window in the back. Squinting my eyes I can make out that it’s not only snowing anymore, sleet has now joined in. I listen to the random ticks of the ice chips hitting the roof of my car. Looking around I can see them land on the hood of my trunk; disappearing into the fallen snow.

I’m soon brought back to the first time I brought Sam to the old Chevy. The memories shared, secrets torn open and the closer we became. It makes me think of lyrics from my favorite song ‘You left my heart like an abandoned car, old and worn and no use at all.’ I smile at the accuracy. Being stuck here it’s like something’s telling us, we have to fix what’s broken before we can continue.

“I‘ll sit in silence for the rest of my life, if you‘d like.” The lyrics come out of my mouth. But I know this time they aren’t just from a song. This time they mean something to me, to her. I can’t let her slip through the cracks anymore or push me away like she’s always done. I can’t let our friendship fade away when I know she needs me just as much as I need her.

“As m-m-much as th-hat sounds t-temp-ting, I d-don‘t see the p-point.” She answers with a clenched jaw.

“You know, it‘s a hell of a lot warmer back here.” I offer, hoping she’ll come around. She won’t admit it or give in, but she needs my warmth to help her through this.

“Y-You w-wish.” She answers in response. I chuckle softly but hug myself to keep warm. It’s getting colder since our body heat is no longer present, and the warmth from the heater has faded.

I let a shiver escape as I exhale and I hear Sam groan in response.

“I‘-I‘m c-coming.” She says with broken sigh. I laugh in response asking

“Did the cold finally get to you?” She glares at me while crawling over the tray.

“No. I j-just h-hate seeing a p-p-poor animal s-suffer.” My jaw drops.

“Now I don‘t want to cuddle.” I reply, she smiles in response.

Her small frame crawls on top of me and I unzip my jacket so she can hold me.

“You’re s-s-so warm!” She screams, holding onto me tighter. I laugh in response fixing the blanket so it fits around the two of us. My right leg hangs over the seat, bent as my foot keeps it up.

“Jeez Sam. You‘re fucking freezing.” She shivers in response, tensing as the cold lingers.

I feel as though I’m holding a block of ice. I expected her jacket to be cold, but for her entire body to still be frigid is mind blowing. Her chest, back and face are all like ice, it makes perfect sense why her lips are still purple. Her still being slightly wet probably doesn’t help anything either. The water from the creek seeps into my shirt and causes me to tense up on impact.

“I still have no idea why you thought jumping into the creek was a good idea.” I say into her hair. It smells like faded apples and snow after the first fall.

“It was your dad wasn‘t it?” I ask, watching the once clear window become coated in thick white flakes and ice.

“H-he call-ed-d me a f-freak.” She answers in between shudders. Her face nuzzles into the crook of my neck, and it’s like I’ve been pricked with a needle from the cold.

She clears her throat and starts to speak again. I can feel her lips part and her breath against my chest.

“They were s-scream-ming again. I j-just want-ted to get out. I s-saw the c-creek and kn-new what to do.” my eyebrows crease as I think over the scenario.

“Why couldn‘t you call me? You know I would‘ve picked you up in a heartbeat. ” She relaxes a little beneath me, and I wrap my arms tighter around her.

“I t-thought you w-were avoiding me.” I sigh in response.

“I wasn‘t avoiding you. I was waiting for you to make the next move. There was no way I was going to bug you with more questions, if you didn‘t want to talk about it.” I answer honestly.

It’s silent for a moment and I wonder if she’s waiting for me to continue.

“Look I know since your dad got demoted he started drinking. But what I don‘t know, is why your mother stays there knowing it hurts you and her.” I wonder aloud, waiting for an answer. She shakes her head slowly, not lifting her head from my shoulder.

“Sam.” I say with a sigh. She hides her face further into my neck, and I think that all hope for this conversation is lost.

“I-I take after my m-mother. We a-always fall f-for the wro-ong guy. She still l-loves him. Even if she c-could leave, she can‘t.” She answers in a muffled state. Her face comes out of hiding and with a shaky sigh she says,

“I wish I h-had fal-len for Michael. My l-ife would be e-easier.” I can feel a part of my heart die. It’s here that I realize she must’ve given up on me a long time ago. Those words wouldn’t be so easy for her to say if she hadn’t.

I swallow the bile in my mouth.

“We can‘t always choose who to fall in love with. I guess it doesn‘t matter now that I love you too.” Her frame tenses once more. I can feel the muscles in her back tighten beneath my hands. Slowly her face leaves my neck and looks up at me. She looks in my eyes and with a broken voice asks,

“You‘re j-joking r-right?” Without looking away I shake my head in response.

Instantly her face drops and her left hand leaves my side to cup my face. Her hand still cold but not as frigid as earlier. Her head leans in toward me and soon there’s no distance between our faces. I can taste the creek on her lips. The leaves from October, the snow and ice from today; they’re exploding in my mouth.

Her hand drops and snakes behind me to grab hold of my hair. She pulls me closer to her and soon the pressure behind our kiss is deepened. When our lips part momentarily I can feel her hot breath against my cheek. Not a second passes and they’re together again, her lips are so cold but soft to the touch. Every time I bring her in I come back for more. There’s never enough of her for me to stop, it’s satisfying tasting her over and over again. My hold against her back tightens and I pull her closer still.

With every kiss I grow more and more frustrated with myself. Why hadn’t I realized all these years that she was right here? All that time wasted with the same girls who had nothing, compared to what Sam’s bringing. The girls who with every kiss from Sam I’m forgetting their names. All those heartaches that lead me straight to Sam.

I hear her whimper momentarily before breaking away again. She rests her forehead on mine as we try to regulate our breathing. I watch her lips part and close once, and then twice as she breathes. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough.

“Sam.” I barely speak with a breath. Her eyes open and with a smile she kisses my forehead.

“Are you mine?” I ask no louder than a whisper. Her eyes close and with another smile she kisses me again.

“Always have been.” She replies after breaking apart. Her hand runs through my hair before resting on the side of my neck. It’s warmer than earlier and just like the rest of her, soft to the touch.

I can feel a small smile play on my lips as we lay here. Her head resting where my heart is, and her arms around my torso once more. Time for once seems frozen in place and I hope it stays that way for a while.

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