Cruel

Ru knew the world was cruel; she learned that the hard way. She thought that she was the only one, but when she met Luke Hemmings and then Calum Hood, everything changed.

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31. 30.

Chapter 30

 

Month 18. Day 12.

 

Calum and I are currently walking around the mall. We were sick of being in the house, so we figured the mall would be the best place. Besides, he offered to buy me stuff.

 

We’ve already been to Hot Topic where Calum bought me a Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, Green Day, Blink 182, The Ready Set, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots, and All Time Low t-shirts. I tried to explain to him that it didn’t make sense for me to wear band merch for bands I don’t listen to, but he insisted-and he also insisted that I would soon be listening to all of the bands.

 

We’ve also been to Journey’s, where Calum has bought himself about five pairs of Vans. He also got a t-shirt with a pug on it. When I questioned him why, he just responded, “I like dogs.” So I left it at that.

 

Now we’re in Wet Seal, where I’m trying on a few items. I’ve been dying to come here and I’m glad I grabbed my wallet before we left the house. In my pile is a black classic textured wrap dress, a black and white crocheted open-back romper, a dusty pink lacey fit & flare dress, and the astronomy graphic tank.

 

“Can you please come out and show me what they look like?” Calum whines from outside the dressing room. “I really want to see.”

 

I chuckle quietly as I put my regular clothes back on. “You can see them when I wear them.”

 

The dressing room door doesn’t have a good lock on it, and I’m standing there fixing my bra strap when it opens and Calum walks in. I look at him and raise an eyebrow but he pulls the door closed and presses me against the wall.

 

“You’re killing me, Ru.”

 

“And how’s that?” I ask with a smile.

 

“Knowing you’re in here half naked and I can’t see is killing me.”

 

I roll my eyes playfully at him. “You shouldn’t be so horny, then.”

 

“How can I not be when you look like that?” He asks, his eyes raking over my body. I blush and cross my arms in front of my chest.

 

“I’m not doing this in public.” I say quietly, getting nervous. I can’t help the panicky feeling that’s making its way through my body.

 

“Later then?”

 

I gulp and nod my head, even though I know I won’t be ready later on, either. Something about getting…. intimate… with someone after what happened…. I shiver just thinking about it.

 

I gently push him away from me and put my shirt on straight. I pull my hair up into a ponytail and grab the clothes from the hook on the wall. I walk past him and out of the dressing room, making my way to the counter. I can hear him following me, the sound of him huffing sort of pissing me off.

 

I figured that since I told him what happened to me, he’d be more… understanding of my situation. But so far, that’s not the case.

 

The cashier rings up my items and I pay her. As I’m signing my receipt, Calum rests his hand on my mid-back. I try to ignore the fire that’s shooting up my back from his hand, but it’s extremely hard.

 

I may not be ready for sex, but it doesn’t mean my hormones aren’t ready.

 

                        ***

 

An hour later, we’re walking past Victoria’s Secret when Calum yanks me inside. I trip and bump into him, making him chuckle.

 

“Why are we in here?” I ask and he blushes.

 

“I figured I’d buy you something sexy.”

 

I chew on my lip. “Why?”

 

His arm wraps around my shoulders. “For later.” He kisses my head and leads me over to the Very Sexy lingerie collection. I’ve never thought of myself as someone who could pull out these… outfits, but I guess I can humor him and pick something out.

 

“How about this?” He asks, holding up some sort of pink, lacy thing. I read the tag: Very Sexy Cutout Lace Corset. I nod and he continues to look through the rack.

 

A few minutes later, he holds up something else. “This one is called Very Sexy Caged Dot Mesh Merrywidow.He looks up at me. “It’s sexy as hell, but who comes up with these names?”

 

I giggle slightly and pick up something that’s been catching my eye for the past couple minutes. “This one is called Very Sexy Strappy Corset Teddy.He looks over and smirks.

 

“That is very sexy.” I blush at his words.

 

“This is all I’m letting you buy me. Now let’s go.” He chuckles and leads me to the counter, where the cashier rings up the items, eyeing Calum the whole time. I narrow my eyes at her and Calum quickly pays and grabs the bag, pulling me out of the store.

 

“Don’t be so jealous, baby.” He says to me quietly and kisses my head. “I’m yours: no need to worry about anyone else.” I blush; I didn’t think he saw that.

 

“I’m not jealous.” I mumble, crossing my arms. He laughs and pulls me against him.

 

“Whatever you say, babe.” He kisses my head again. “Ready to go home?”

 

I nod and he leads me out of the mall and back to the car. Once inside, he looks at me and smiles.

 

“I cannot wait to see you in these outfits.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows. I smile slightly and lean back in the seat when he starts to drive.

 

Is this normal? Is it normal for a teenager to not want to have sex? Is it normal for a teenager to cringe hearing the word sex? I can’t be normal because of the stupid fucking abduction. Will I ever be ready to have sex? Will I ever be able to have that kind of intimacy with Calum after what happened to me? Will he leave me because of it?


After a year in therapy, I’m still not okay with the idea of sex.

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