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18. Visiting BEN - Emoji & Beautifully Saiyan Panda (In Progress)

 

#14

Dec/2015

 

The cover is certainly intriguing! 

 

I should say that as a semi fellow gamer, I knew what you were talking about when you acronymed N64. But someone who doesn't know, will not understand that it means Nintendo 64. I would suggest having a little asterisk attached to it, the first time it appears and leaving the full out word at the end of the chapter. But you don't have to, this is simply a word of advice. 

One of the things I like with how you've started this, is that in a way it reminds me of 'Stay Alive'. Your characters have a game in their possession which no one else (except the previous owner(s) ) know of yet. Now that they've started it, the game has come alive and is looking for more victims. The semi creepy tone you're setting also helps to think this as well. Between the distorted song from the game, and the feeling of being watched your characters sense; it's almost similar.

Your antagonist is quite creepy. It's not what I would expect for a villain. Are we going to get some information regarding as to why he is the way he is? I'd like to learn some of his story. 

The next chapter immediately answered the question above. You've left some things unanswered though. Like where was his mother? Why does his form now have blood streaming from his eyes, when it has nothing to do with the way he died. How come no one saw the father do this to him? Were they in a secluded area? Did people just choose not to see?

I like how you've left the readers on this last chapter. Hopefully you'll give us something different in the upcoming chapters. Like maybe an action scene or horror. Another thing I noticed is that it's a co authored story, yet I only saw one writing style. 

 

 

Chapter 1: 'I was confused to see that their was two files' the correct spelling is 'there' for the context you've used it in. I should also point out it would sound less like broken English if you wrote it 'I was confused when I saw there was two files; YOUR TURN and BEN. Also the next sentence should read 'It must have been' not 'It must of been'. 'rung throughout the large dorm room.' Is how that sentence should end, not 'rung threw the large dorm room.' 'Like the sun disappeared and took everyone with it.' Shouldn't that be 'everything'? You didn't mention there was anyone else in the game with you, so it should read the other way. You do not need the dash between 'shock' and 'through'. 'As the cable shocked her and she cried out in pain.' That is how I feels that sentence should read, you don't have to change the wording towards the end, but you should fix 'shock' because you are talking about a sequence of events that have already happened, making them past tense. 

 

Chapter 2: 'I woke up to blinding light' it would read easier if there was an 'a' in there. I also feel you should have dashes in that same sentence. 'Like -when you get up to check your phone in the middle of the night's type light. So it reads as so. Since this is more of your character's thinking, it breaks off from the sentence. 'Expecting to be blinding by the sun.' The spelling should be 'blinded'. It would be better if you wrote 'But I was smart, the look in her eyes was serious. Dead serious.' This way you aren't being repetitive. 'And their, right in front of us.' It should be 'there'.

 

Chapter 3: Your sentence 'Nicole was strong, didn't let her soft side show often but you could tell she was on the verge of breaking down into quiet tears.' Could use some work. It seems very off and I had to read it twice to fully understand it. You should also have the character's thoughts separated from the sentence as I explained above. 'The boy with the crooked smile notice and his smile faded' this sentence needs fixed as well.

 

Chapter 4: You have to watch your grammar and punctuation. There are sentences like the ones above which need work as well. 

 

Chapter 5: You have to watch the grammar as well in this chapter. There are also some misspellings. The correct spelling is 'sill' not 'seal'. 

 

I'm not sure if I'm completely sold on this story, but it's an interesting read. I hope you continue it and that this review helped. :-) 

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