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28. Three Murderers, Brutal - Capt. Alora Wiley (In Progress)

 

#24

Feb/2016

 

I love the revision you did to the Lizzie Borden rhyme! It's a creepy little blurb.

 

There's a word you use in the chapter semi frequently: Unfortunate. It's a word used to describe the type of victims Jack takes. I think you should have a little memo at the start of the chapter explaining this. Only because as the reader I only understood what you meant after the third of fourth time you used it. It takes away from the story and that's not necessarily a good thing.

 

Another thing I thought was odd was the character's name: Flashing. I think it would also suit the readers better and confuse us less if at the start of the chapter you use her full first name frequently, before breaking it down to 'Flash'. These are all up to you though. I'm merely trying to let you know that as a first chapter 'story' it leaves us readers slightly confused at times.

 

As always your story is very well detailed. Like sweetheart can you give me some pointers? It'd be much appreciated. ;)

I think one of my favorite lines was 'lit by only one candle, which flickered on and off as the wind changed directions every few minutes.' I can so easily visually see this. 

 

The twist you have for the end is simply mind blowing too. Especially with how you start it out almost as though she were waiting for Jack. Brilliant as always Alora.

 

 

Chapter 1: 'He picks on out.' I think you meant 'One'. 

 

 

I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!

 

Also? THANK YOU FOR PROOFREADING!!! like holy hell, can we revert back to when you gave me 'The Guardians:Runaways'? Soooo many grammatical errors. Now? Everything you give me has two, maybe three mistakes. Like look at you go little miss proofreader. I'm so proud! <3

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